All posts by erikhom@aol.com

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

A Loving Fight – Day 3

Leave a comment

“Our marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but sometimes one of us shall carry the load.  Let me do it now.”

I think the waiting is just too much.  We have to wait another 3 days before our meeting with the surgeon and oncologist.  We are meeting with the physicians at UCSF.  My wife feels comfortable with that and has received reassurances for her decision.  She’s still anxious though and her doctor prescribed her some anxiety medication.

The network of cnacer survivors is amazing.  She has met with and spoken with so many survivors.  My mother, her friends, my cousins, my aunts, her mother’s friends,and her mother have all reached out to her.  Their strength has really helped.  I think seeing her mother’s strength has really helped her.  They all have one thing in common.  They are all survivors and that is making her feel better while we play the waiting game.

Meanwhile I am taking more of my 50% on and making sure to distract the kids who we have not yet told.  They’ll be okay and we’ll help them get through it with a sense of strength and courage that will allow them to fight any of life’s many obstacles.  It’s hard to just do the little things.  Not because I can’t do them myself, but I’m so used to seeing my wife do them for me with love.

As I said, my wife has a great support group, but it is amazing to me about how little there is for their significant others.  This is not just her cancer, but it is our cancer.  I snuck away the other night just to look at mastectomy operations on the internet.  I’m not one who can look and blood or anything involving an open cavity, but I forced myself to look.  I need to get used to it so my wife sees how strong I am for her.  I cry too.  I cry in the shower in the mornings while she’s still asleep.  I know she is going to be okay, but it is a very emotional event in our young lives.

In a weird way, cancer has been a positive distraction.  My days at work have not felt so long.  There is more urgency in the work I am doing and I’ve been more efficient.  Running is the same.  My nightly runs seem to have more energy and my runs seem to be with less effort.  Has the cancer made me stronger too?

Today I went to the Livestrong site and bought more yellow bands.  I want my children to wear them again.  I want them to feel like they are supporting their mother.  Again it is a way to help distract their minds too.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

A Loving Fight – Day 2

Leave a comment

“Now is the time to dream BIG.  Dream bigger than ever.  Don’t just dream for today and tomorrow, but for what you truly want years from now.  “

My wife is such an unselfish person and I have always been tough on her.  Begging for her to tell me what I could do to make her happy. “What do YOU really want”, I’d always ask.  Carpe Diem has never been in her vocabulary.  I love her for that.  She’s never been a high maintenance partner and now I want her to be.  Well I’ve always wanted her to at least tell me what I can do for her.  I know the simple things in life that she enjoys, but I want to hear about the bigger things.  This has been like pulling teeth.  Literally, pulling teeth since both of our dads were dentists.

It’s actually a hard thing for someone else who hasn’t dreamed that way before.  I had her watch Randy Pausch’s full lecture in which he tell us his dreams of being Captain Kirk, working for Disney and playing in the NFL.  Hearing her laugh while listening to a man who was dying tell you how he is living his dreams was therapeutic for me. Hearing her laugh and cry made me feel good. I had to remind her that she was listening to a man who was not going to live versus her, a person who IS going to live.  She would likely say what she wants for our kids.  That is what her mom would say.  I reminded her that none of what Randy Pausch says in his lecture has anything to do with his kids although the lecture is for his kids.

I think she gets it.  I think she now realizes that dreaming is not the same as “wanting”.  She can still be unselfish.  I’m just asking her to be positive.  No more glass half empty attitudes.  More Tigger and less Eeyore.  As a consultant I strategized for my clients based on scenario planning and expected outcomes.  Cancer has put many scenarios in front of us.  I want her to have scenarios with outcomes.  Some of those outcomes will be common no matter what those scenarios will be.  If she wants to go to Hawaii, there is no reason we can’t.  If she wants to drive a Porsche, there is no reason she can’t.  I just want her to tell me what she wants so that I can do my job as a husband and help her work toward those dreams.

Cancer is funny in this way.  I always joke to my wife that it doesn’t matter what I say.  She’ll always listen to someone else’s opinion first.  That is why I had her listen to Randy Pausch’s lecture.  She knows I love her so my opinions are tainted and that is true.  In that same note, I think she is listening to the cancer.  The cancer is telling her that life is too short to wait for it to come to you.  Sometimes you have to grab for it and savor it.

She just told me she was going to create one of her famous “to-do lists” today.  I just reminded her to make it BIG and not very easy to cross off each of them……

 

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

A Loving Fight – Day #1

2 Comments

” I married you because you are a fighter.  Now is the time to fight.”

Today was my first of daily love notes to my wife.  I used to leave notes like this under her pillow when I would go away when we were dating and living far from each other.  Now I can just do this via email when at work.

This note is for me as much as it is all those who know someone who has dealt with cancer in their lives.  As a husband of someone who just found out yesterday that their wife has breast cancer, I’m trying to figure out how I can deal with it too.  What does a husband say or do? Yesterday my wife was diagnosed with ductal cariconoma.  We will be getting more results today and have already set up an appointment with the surgeon for next Monday.  The waits are the worst.  Not just for the person with cancer, but their loved ones.  All it does is give you time to think, which isn’t always a good thing.  You can definitely overthink things.

Thoughts go from, “what about my children” and “I want to be there for them” to “am I going to need radiation or chemotherapy” to “what about our family vacation?”.  My goal is to get us to continue to live life WITH cancer for however long the doctors say we are going to be living with it.  But the important thing is to remind my wife that we are going to LIVE and that I am going to live it with her.

I’m not going into this blindly.  My mother just had breast cancer 4 years ago and my mother in law had it 20 years ago.  Both are survivors and are great examples for me and my wife.  Although my wife and I knew that cancer would someday be a reality because of history, it just never seemed like something we could prepare for.  You never truly prepare for this.

What we do know is we are going to fight.  That’s what all the books say.  From Lance Armstrong to Randy Pausch there are tons of inspiring stories for those struggling with cancer.  My job is to help my wife.  Help her stay positive and stay tough.  Help her to show a good example for our two young children, ages 8 and 6.

For the spouse of a someone with cancer this is hard.  You have to stay strong while not sounding unsympathetic.  My wife always tends to want to think things through with the glass half empty.  I’m trying to teach her about the glass being half full.

My message to her today is to begin to fight, but first she must tell some people and set the base.  The base is to be a strong foundation of friends and family.  These are people we want to help us to fight by showing a positive attitude and helping to distract us.  Yes us and not just her.  As a husband of a wife with breast cancer I am living with it too.  I’m going to help her beat it.