My father used to say, “You can spend a lot of time making money. The tough time comes when you have to give it away properly. How to give something back, that’s the tough part in life.” – Lee Iacocca
With Missy Ward, Co-founder of Affiliate Summit
I recently had a chance to attend our industry’s annual meeting in Las Vegas. There is a summer event as well on the East Coast but I think after the holidays, everyone is ready to talk about what they have experienced in the past year to share their successes and learnings. I’ve been part of this community of online marketers off and on for the past 10 years and have seen many of its changes.
As the Web changes we are continually reminded of what it takes to succeed and that is why although Affiliate marketing is not the most high profile parts of the industry, it is the part I enjoy most. Affiliate marketing is no different than the traditional Avon salespeople who used to go door-to door selling beauty products. It was community marketing at its finest. Now with the internet, you have the ability to reach more people. if you can convince others on the Web to consume products based upon your recommendations or input, you could earn money.
On the Web, these affiliates are your salespeople. Who are affiliates? Our Keynote was delivered by Gary Vaynerchuk, host of Wine Library TV and he gave the best definition of affiliates. He said, “For the most part, affiliates are lazy but the best affiliates are like Rocky, they wake up in the morning eat raw eggs and do push ups on rocks.” That is what I love about this industry, these are hard working earnest people who are looking for a new way to skin a cat. In every company I’ve been in, I always get the questions, “What the heck are your affiliates doing? How can they do that? They can’t do that, can they?” Now with the fragmented Web and people spending more time surfing the Web (accordingly visiting 75% more sites than they did last year). Truly amazing.
Well despite the quiet wealth accumulated by those in the industry, the industry as a whole is caring and I am proud to be part of this business. One of the founders of the Affiliate Summit is Missy Ward. She and her business partner, Shawn Collins, are industry veterans. They have both been touched by breast cancer and make a concerted to intertwine their conferences with fundraising. Missy participates in breast cancer walks and at their conferences they have incorporated some fun and games to raise money in the fight against breast cancer. Check out AMGB.wordpress.com
Thanks to Missy and her partner for not only helping our industry to thrive, but also for making sure all of our hearts are in the right place.
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
— Winston Churchill
The Santa Monica Boardwalk this evening
I have always sought inspiration through true life stories. I guess I never thought it would come from my life partner.
Those who know me and see me every day will tell you that over the past year I’ve lost over 10 pounds, ran over 1200 miles last year and can run a 5k faster than I did 20+ years ago when I was in highschool and college. That might seem trivial to those who exercise daily, but ever since I’ve graduated from high school I never had the drive for long periods of time to work out religiously and take care of myself. Why now? How do you find that kind of drive?
Last year when my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer I was down, but my wife told me to make sure I kept running. The week after she was diagnosed I remember watching Forrest Gump with my children and there is this scene where his love, Jenny tells him, “If you ever get in trouble, don’t try and be brave. Just run.” There is a scene where Forrest doesn’t know what to do and starts running. I’ve been doing the same, although I ran with purpose. My wife is my inspiration.
We all get inspired by bigger than life stories. The pilot who saved 155 people by landing his plane in the Hudson, the new President who is breaking many barriers, the man who risked his life to save an unconscious mom and her two toddlers from a burning home, etc. Sometimes we see movies like the first one I ever saw called “Brian’s Song” that had cancer involved and get inspired for the moment or for a period of time.
But when we live with someone who inspires you on a daily basis it changes you. My wife has to take pills every day, get shots once a month and every day think that there still might be a cancer in her body that might come back to haunt her. Yet every day, she kisses me, makes breakfast, smiles and goes about her work. All those pills, shots and everyday worries are not something she shares with me unless I ask. I don’t ask because I want her to feel like life is as normal as can be as that is the way she wants to live it every once in a while. She wants to put away that she is a Cancer Survivor. She doesn’t want to be treated like she’s handicapped. How can you not be inspired when the person who shares a bed with you every night does so with smile on her face. She’s had two surgeries and is staring a third in the face, yet she is wanting to bring it on. She’s had 14 hours of anaesthesia in less than 6 months. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have those hours missing from my memory.
The other night she caught me staring at her sleeping before I went to bed. I wanted to soak in her peacefulness, her beauty and my appreciation for her to still be with me and our children. She asked me if anything was wrong and I just smiled and she gave me that knowing kiss that all wives will give when they know you appreciate them. It’s the same kiss you get when you stand before all your friends and family the day you get married and state your love for each other.
Today I am off away on business again. Away from my family. It hurts to be away knowing my wife is still not 100% yet, but she’d not want it any other way. Tonight I had a chance to visit the Santa Monica Boardwalk (see photo). I told my business partner (no offense) that I wished it was my wife with me instead. She deserved this sunset on this beautiful evening more than I did.
There is a true and sincere friendship between you both – Fortune Cookie
The title of this post is one of those “No Duh” titles, but it is so true. When I got the fortune quote above in my fortune cookie, my two children giggled and my daughter said, “You love mommy, she isn’t your friend”. My wife and I smiled and reminded her that we are friends first and partners second. We all say that, but it is true.
People always ask how we met. I was at our son’s basketball game this weekend when I ran into the husband of one of the other wive’s in our class who is suffering from breast cancer. They are more private about their cancer and while he is a physician and more pragmatic about their situation, I could tell he was suffering a bit. He told me that we looked happy and that we seemed to have gotten through everything okay. I told him we were doing better. It hadn’t been easy and we’re still prepared for any setbacks, but we are in this for the long haul. He shook his head and asked how we met.
It is simple to say we met in college, but one for the drama and long stories, I always tell them about how I met her at the old Pittsburgh airport while saying goodbye to a girlfriend with whom I had recently broken ties. My ex was traveling home for the Thanksgiving holiday along with one of my best friends, Joanne, and this cute little brunette with an infectious giggle. I myself was on my way to Cornell to visit my cousin for a monstrous feast as he and his friends in the Hotel Restaurant school at Cornell were cooking.
My ex and I had broken up not because we weren’t right for each other, but more because her parents wanted a nice East Coast boy for her, and not some Asian kid from California. It was my first real taste of racism and I think it hurt my ex to hear her parent’s feelings about this subject more than it reminded me of the reality of our country at the time. It had been two weeks since we decided to call it off and I wanted to make sure she was okay since it would be the first time she’d seen her parents face to face since they gave her the ultimatum. I had tried to make the situation light but she was sick. I don’t remember what I said, but this little brunette teenager laughed at my joke and we smiled and introduced ourselves. Every day I hear my wife’s giggle it reminds me of that Thanksgiving eve.
Ironically my friend Joanne had been debating back in August about whether to introduce me to my future wife or her good friend from high school for a beginning of the year formal. She chose the latter thinking that she’d be better for me. She might have been right at the time and we still do exchange a friendly email from time to time to update each other on our lives. My future wife would hear stories about me from the other two girls and roll her eyes. She did say she was intrigued to be privy to how I treated a girlfriend and was curious to say the least.
That Christamas I got a card from her and when we returned from the holiday break we started studying together and having an occasional meal in the cafeteria. She was pretty studious and (so she said) was not interested in dating. At least she wasn’t interested in dating me. That said, she dated a few guys and I dated a few girls and she’d critique my girlfriends and I’d critique her boyfriends. I remember when I was dating the 6’2″ star of the women’s volleyball team (I am 5’9″) she would tell me how silly we looked and I loked her straight in the eye and told her maybe I should date a short brunette a foot shorter? She smiled and looked away.
We became good friends, best friends. I really had wanted to date her but I had pretty much decided to focus on school as we got closer to graduation and full time recruiting for jobs. I even took some time out from school to work for a law firm just to make sure that Wall St. was more for me than the Court Room. They say absence makes a heart grow fonder and I think that time away made her realize (it took 2 years) that maybe we could be more than just friends and shared that first kiss and first date.
Focused on our careers it still wasn’t until 9 years after that fateful night at the old Pittsburgh airport that we got married. Our friendship enforced by memories, hardship, and our own group of friends and family made our marriage a “no-brainer”. Those nine years of waiting were the foundation for a great friendship. We realized how much we shared in common and how any differences enlightened ourselves to a world we did not know but were willing to learn about. By the time we got married we had already been making decisions that assumed we would be together. It was only natural.
It was love at first sight, but it was a friendship that formed first. People say we are an old married couple as we often finish each other’s sentences, but what makes it work is that we often surprise ourselves and each other when we don’t really know the answer. We are testing our love, not our friendship. I know chances are that someday my wife will have to help me the same way I had to help her with her battle. fate bought us together for a reason.
Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.
Albert Einstein
The quote above to me is so poignant. I truly believe though that it must become second nature to be a man or woman of value and you need to instill that from within.
I still remember the day that I almost lost my dad back in July of 1996. He suffered a heart attack and his heart stopped beating, but the doorman at the Fairmont Hotel broke into his car and started his heart beating. My father remained in a coma for two weeks (yes during the Atlanta Olympic Games) before coming out of it. My father suffered some brain damage (loss of oxygen to the brain) which caused him the loss of short term memory and often caused him to lose orientation of what year it was. It was almost like Alzheimers except some new memories were created and he only forgot the things that didn’t matter to him.
My mother refused to put him in a home and acted as his primary caregiver for the next 10 years. Although he was never the same person again, I am so happy that his near death kick-started me into having a family and grandchildren that he got to meet and know. He continued to to teach me new lessons even then.
One of those was that my dad lost his ability filter his thoughts. He did not hold back his feelings about things, people or situations. Just imagine if you just started telling everyone what you thought of them. Well, my dad was pure. He smiled at people he didn’t recognize and even at people I thought he didn’t care for. Later I would ask who they were and he said, “I thought you knew”. When my mom would drag him to flower shows I’d ask him how it was. He’d say it was really boring but my mom seemed to enjoy it. He never had a bad thing to say. He was just naturally a positive and gentle person. His illness was a truth serum that some couldn’t handle. We saw others with the same problem who became vicious towards family and friends. An old co-worker of his pulled me aside at his Life Celebration and said, “I knew your dad didn’t recognize me, but that twinkle in his eye and his smile were still the same. He made even strangers feel special.”
It really taught me to seek the kindness in others and to see things first with an eye towards the positive. We are often taught to be protective and cautious and I realize that can really hide the opportunities that you might be offered. There are never enough favors that you can give or thank yous that you can say. My dad was definitely a man of value. A man who valued the relationships and loves in his life so much that it was instinctive.
After a while it should just come naturally. I often hear about how people say how hard it must have been to take care of my wife during those days after surgery and those long weeks of waiting. I think my love for my wife made me her natural caregiver. I knew that it was just the thing to do. Put my fears and hopes aside to be all that I could for my wife. I think having been a caregiver for my dad those years, watching my mother care for her husband (yes they argued, but they loved each other), and then caring for my mother during her cancer gave me a little headstart in caregiving, but not much. The most inspiration though came from the relationship, the strong relationship, I have with my wife. They say your true colors come out when you have times of crisis. I think I showed myself my own true colors and I’m proud of what I saw.
I mention this because in the book I read, My Life with Laura, my friend Chad showed his true colors as well. Although he had only known his wife a few short years, his dedication showed the love of a lifetime. I have read stories about those who don’t get support from their husbands or family members during these times and I think that might just show a crack in the armour that had been there already. My wife and I have a few cracks especially when it comes to communication. And it definitely showed a bit when we had some intense moments, but our love was and is strong.
I know I’ve written about this before in bits and pieces, but I have to repeat these mantras occasionally. I listened to our new President’s speech about strength and fortitude and the need to test ourselves in the worst of times. Now is when I really am testing myself. I already see these next several months are going to be tough on me for different reasons than health.
In the end I just need to make sure that I find myself as a person of value and to instill that upon my life on a daily basis.
It is not length of life, but depth of life. — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Today is a historic day in the history of our young country. On this day the temperature reached the low 70s in San Francisco and as I drove to work I saw thousands of people gathering at San Francisco’s Yerba Buena Gardens in front of the MLK Memorial Fountain to watch the live broadcast of the inauguration. As we elect our 44th president, I look on with interest as an unbiased bystander. I told someone recently that I never contribute to political campaigns and often shy away from political conversations in favor of human interest stories.
I’m often touched by the idea of six degrees of separation. To have that with a President is a unique one for sure. I’m not someone who has photos with Presidents or will ever pay to have one. Today on the front page of the San Francisco Chronicle was a story of James Kessler, a student at the high school associated with the school that I went to and the one my children attend. Back in November. James is battling a rare and deadly sarcoma and back in November had a chance to meet then-Senator Obama (see article)
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/11/05/BAGO13TUEL.DTL
James is being treated at the UCSF Children’s Cancer clinic, an organization that is supported by my co-owned Ben & Jerry’s franchise located in the Haight-Ashbury District.
One of my other ties is that of Julius Genachowski, the nominated head of the FCC. Julius served on the Board of the parent company I work for, IAC, and always has been a gracious person with a sharp memory. I was recently impressed when we ran into each other in an elevator at our Corporate HQ and I forgot his name briefly and he said, “Hi Erik, how are things going?”
Finally, the closest connection I have with our new President derives from my days as an MBA candidate at the University of Chicago (Booth School of Business). One of the more conservative Business Schools in the country (George Schultz once served as Dean), it sits across Chicago’s famed Midway from the Law School, one of the more liberal law schools in the country. Back in 1993, I decided to take an “easy elective” in Business Law for no grade. On one or two occasions I sat across from a young law teacher in the lounge named Barack Obama (I thought he was a student). I recall casually talking about sports (remember I hate talking politics) but I never knew this guy would 16 years later become our President.
What does this mean? Nothing really. Or maybe it does lead me to believe that I finally have some kind of kinship with our government that I hav faith in it. Both Barack and Julius are young parents like myself. They have lived lives that I feel are somewhat similar to that of my own (albeit more successful). Perhaps they understand my plight. The plight of a young father wanting to take care of his children and unsure of their future safety and financial well-being.
I had a wonderful weekend with my children attending a professional basketball game, attending their own basketball games, playing golf with my son and the birthday parties of some young cousins. It was a great family weekend made even better when my daughter gave me a hug to say she had a fun weekend. It was a great weekend to forget about the economy, our health issues and our state of world affairs as I had planned to do.
Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Author Chad Moutray and his daughter Charlotte
I am proud today to host Chad Moutray, author of My Life With Laura: A Love Story, on my blog today. Chad is on a blog book tour to promote his book and this is his 6th stop to spend some time discussing his book. While the book details his courtship, wedding, family and then their battle with his wife’s breast cancer, I am going to focus on his efforts as a male caregiver as I am the only male on his book tour and I hope to shed some insight on “the other half” of breast cancer.
I’ve always said, Route 53 is a blog of my journey through life and while I say each of us has our own journey, we often run parallel with others for part of that road. Some of us drive fast along that road and others a little slower. These roads are what I call life stages and are created by life events. Chad and I have separately shared a life event as both of us became caregivers for our wives who had/have breast cancer. Unfortunately breast cancer seems to be all around us these days days (statistics say 1 in 8 U.S. women will have breast cancer in their lifetime). You might think nothing of it, but in Chad, I found someone who not only went the extra mile for his wife, but truly lays his soul out there for everyone to read in his book. Sadly, the book does not end happily as Chad’s wife lost a valiant battle.
In his book, Chad provides us with the often forgotten perspective on not only the fight against breast cancer, but the emotions surrounding the co-survivor or surviving spouse. As I read the book, I had to read it away from my wife as it was so easy to put myself in Chad’s shoes. His story could very easily have been my own. I hope that other men read it and think of how they would react or want to react if they were put in Chad’s shoes. Below is my interview with Chad about his book:
Route53: Chad, we’ve shared some chats and emails in recent months. I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but first let me say that I didn’t know Laura, but have met many “Laura and Chads” over the past several months and am sorry about the loss of your wife and Charlotte’s mother.
Chad Moutray: Yes, sadly, there are too many people in our same situation. That is why I think that this book has been so well received. Thank you for your condolences for Laura’s passing.
Route53: Let’s first talk about the inspiration for the book. I know you say that this book was written for your daughter Charlotte so that she could read about her mom before the memories faded and maybe got a little distorted. As I read the book, I couldn’t help but see another purpose. This book was written for many and not just Charlotte. I read it as a place to put all your love and memories in a safe place so that you could move on. Maybe in a cathartic way. How much of this book would you say today (besides Charlotte) is this book for you, for others fighting the battle against cancer, for her family, and for her friends?
Chad Moutray: My original thoughts for the book were to help Charlotte better know her mother. In fact, the book in dedicated to her, who was two-years-old at the time that I started writing. (She is now almost four.) But after I started writing, several friends and family members told me that they wanted to read my book when it was finished. I had a log of pent-up demand, each of whom was anxious for my to publish my memoir so that they could read it. In that way, I began writing the book knowing that it could be read by many people, some of whom I did not know. Since its release, I have been proud of the fact that so many people have appreciated the book and have been inspired by Laura’s strength and faith in battling her breast cancer. Yes, I found that writing the book was therapeutic for me. In the months after Laura’s death, it gave me a project to work on during those quiet moments in the house. It also allowed me to reflect on the times that I spent with Laura, both good and bad, and more importantly, it provided me a forum to put my thoughts on paper. I would encourage anyone going through a loss to start writing, whether they make their words public or not.
Route53: For me, the hardest part of the book was reading Laura’s journal entry to you and about what she wanted for you and Charlotte. My wife felt close to doing the same thing so I felt like I was reading my wife’s own letter. When did you first read that entry and how much does it enter your mind to this day?
Chad Moutray: Men, of course, are taught to never read their girlfriend’s or wife’s journal, and I did not open them until after Laura’s death. I was surprised by many of her entries. She expressed her thoughts on daily life, her frustrations with motherhood and then in battling breast cancer, and her religious inspirations. Some of these entries were difficult for me to read. I was particularly touched by the letter that you cite, but mostly, I was surprised at its timing. She wrote about her desires for Charlotte and me after her death … but it was written over one year before she passed away at a time when the thought of this was far from most of our minds. While I did not read this letter until later, much of it sounded familiar, as she and I had discussed some of it in the months before her death.
Route53: Every woman who finds out she has breast cancer remembers the phone call or the doctor giving the diagnosis. I think husbands do remember too. I know I do and I know you do. I often get women who write me saying they wish their husband was as supportive and I always think that the moment you hear is when you know how you will be. You and I both took that step forward instead of back To what do you attribute your strength in the face of Laura’s battle with cancer? What made you the supporting husband that you were?
Chad Moutray: I would refer to two things. First, I remember my grandfather growing up. My grandma had a number of heart attacks and was often hospitalized. He remained a beacon of strength throughout her ordeals (despite the fact that she survives him by almost thirty years), and it left an indelible imprint for me on the role of the “man” in such situations. You are to be a “rock” – someone who everyone looks to for support. You can see much of this in my actions during this time. In public and in front of Laura, I was that “rock” even when I was privately hurting inside. Second, like Laura, I relied more and more on my faith, growing more spiritual as time progressed.
Route53: What would you say Laura’s battle with cancer taught you about yourself? Has it changed you or your actions at all?
Chad Moutray: It changed me forever. I am a different person today than before. Yes, life goes on, and it has for me. But, I have a different outlook, and I feel compelled to “give back” to the many people who were so helpful to us during our struggle. In some ways, the book also is my expression of this. I tried to write an honest book that showed the true challenges of battling cancer, and in that way, it appears to have helped or inspired some of the cancer families who have read it.
Route53: You mentioned that you hid your fears from Laura and when you did open up, she tried to protect you. I found the same with my wife. According to a US News and World Report story, they say the men who are successful in coping as breast cancer caregivers for their wife do two things: 1) Rather than try to be “fixers”, they lend an ear to help with coping and 2) They share everything together. What are your thoughts on that?
Chad Moutray: As the “rock” that I mentioned earlier, I never let Laura see my emotions. In hindsight, that was probably a mistake. Laura would have preferred that I had expressed myself more to her. Had I done that sooner, she might not have tried to protect me later.
Route53: As Laura’s primary caregiver, what were your main resources of information about Breast Cancer that you think would be helpful for other spouses?
Chad Moutray: I relied on information from books, handouts, and the Internet. Laura, to be honest, relied on these sources even more than I did. But, my most important source of information was the doctors themselves. I tried to go to as many of the doctors visits as I could. This allowed me to show my support for Laura, but it also ensured that I knew as much about her treatments and progress as she did. Sometimes, the doctors provided an enormous amount of information during a short visit, and she would often comment that it was good to have two sets of ears listening to it.
Route53: If you could pick one thing, what did someone do specifically for you, the caregiver, to help you through the year and half fight against breast cancer?
Chad Moutray: We had tremendous support from family and friends. Our church, for instance, was always there providing meals, rides, care for Charlotte, or someone to talk to. I cannot see how we would have been able to do all that we did without this support. In later months, we relied on lotsahelpinghands.com to post our needs, get volunteers, and communicate Laura’s progress. This was a godsend which helped ease the burden of caring for Laura at a time when her health continued to deteriorate.
Route53: When I read the book, I was amazed at all that you accomplished in just a year and half of cancer in your lives. Can you point to one moment or thing that you did that made you feel that you made Laura’s last days on this Earth richer and less painful?
Chad Moutray: Laura did not let cancer stop her from doing things, and our oncologist supported her in this. We went on a number of vacations, including to Aruba and two other beach trips in the summer of 2007. These trips were a lot of fun, and Laura looked forward to each one. She was also the type who put things on the calendar hoping that we might go to them. One of those was a wine tasting event at Mt. Vernon, George Washington’s home, in the fall of 2007. By that point, Laura was in a wheelchair, but she still wanted to go; we went on a double-date with another couple. It was our last date together, but one that I will never forget. (This story is not in the book.) She clearly life to the end.
Route53: Sometimes “bad husbands” who abandon their wives when they can’t handle the stress give men a bad name in the fight against breast cancer. Actually a 1999 Canadian Study called, “Marital Stability After Breast Cancer” found that there was no difference in divorce rates and separation when looking at similar groups of men with wives who had breast cancer and those who did not. Stories like yours obviously give men a better reputation. If you could give advice to other men (and wives) out there who are going through rough times in their battle, what would you tell them?
Chad Moutray: Life does not always go according to plan, and it is easy to say the cliche, “That is not what I signed up for” and call it quits. Laura and I met, fell in love, got married, and had a child; it was the typical life plan. But, then it changed, and life became difficult. Many of our friends went on to have second or even third babies, and Laura was secretly jealous of them. Cancer was not what she signed up for either. We were a young couple and kept hoping for a miracle. When things deteriorated, it was not easy; I prayed for patience, and I was stretched thin. To be honest, though, I never considered abandoning Laura. After she passed away, several women came up to me and told me how impressed they were that I stayed with Laura until the end. The comment surprised me. I loved my wife, and Laura and Charlotte needed me too much.
Route53: Last, please give us an update on Charlotte and your state of mind. Have you fully been able to move on? Now that it has been over a year, have you seen any emotional scars for Charlotte?
Chad Moutray: Laura will always be in my mind. Charlotte will guarantee that; in addition to being Laura’s daughter, she looks exactly like Laura. Such a constant reminder makes it difficult at times. Yet, life moves on. Writing the book helped a lot, and after several months, I began to date again. This was awkward at first, but easier now. It helped that Laura was so insistent that I move on and find someone nice to help raise Charlotte (even to the point of trying to set me up); the fact that she said this to so many people made it easier for others to accept my dating, as well. As far as Charlotte, she is adjusting to full-time daycare and is doing okay. She still talks about her mother and can tell you that her mother died from cancer … but has no idea what cancer is. Someday, I hope that she enjoys my book and learns about how fun her mother was and how strong she was.
Route53: Chad, once again, thank you, Laura, and Charlotte for sharing your story with all of us. I know that I have found much empathy and inspiration from your story. Chad’s book can be purchased here: http://www.lulu.com/content/1828195
Please continue to follow the blog book tour by following this link to the schedule:
Every book means something different for each person. Although my wife suffers from breast cancer, I read it as a love story. Even the parts about cancer were about love for me. Below is an excerpt from an email I shared with Chad after finishing his book. I hope you all find his book as inspiring as it was for me:
I just wanted to let you know that I finished the book. I admit that I did not feel comfortable reading anything after your eulogy as those letters I feel are words for Charlotte. I have to say that the book read faster for me once I got to her part with cancer. Perhaps it was that it was all so familiar to me. My feelings were similar to yours in many ways and reading her journal entry to you was tough for me. I hope you don’t mind , but I have discussed your book with the husband’s group at our clinic as you have gone through and they are experiencing many things that I did not have to endure. I’m also going to pass the book along to one of the fathers at our school who lost his wife at the beginning of the school year leaving he and his two young sons behind.
A woman is like a teabag. It’s only when she’s in hot water that you realize how strong she is. Nancy Reagan, former First-Lady of the United States of America
When I took off for my run this evening I sought my usual answers. Every night that I run I come home to the real answers to my questions. My legs felt fresh and I couldn’t have started my three day weekend on a stronger note (Martin Luther King Day). I ran further, faster and felt better than any time in the last 18 months. I was inspired by wife, my life, my children and my gratefulness for a second chance to cherish what I have in life.
This weekend is going to be great. Our first real chance to be a family again with my wife able to join us out and about. Also I won’t be traveling and the weather is going to be beautiful. Both of our children have basketball games and I get to sit there in the stands with my wife and smile holding hands as we watch our children have fun. Isn’t that what we all dream of? No matter the economic recession we are in, the historic times of our government change, and the sickness our family has endured, it’s just a simple weekend where we can all be home to support each other and care for each other that makes it all feel better.
After my first business trip of the year and most extended business trip since my wife was diagnosed, I’ve felt a calm and patience that I haven’t felt in a long time or ever. I used to think that I was the one who could stop and smell the roses, but these days I am learning not to stop for just two seconds but maybe for an hour and not just smell the roses, but close my eyes and hear the sounds of children laughing and birds chirping. I know it sounds silly, but you must forgive me. I don’t think I’ve ever taken my family for granted, but I just can’t help but want the most for them. Isn’t that what all dads and husbands want for their families? I know it is what we want from the start, but sometimes we forget when the world starts to surround us and life has that way of throwing surprises which consume us.
My wife has started back on her exercise track. I think the other women around us of have inspired her by saying how she has inspired them. My wife doesn’t feel like an inspiration though. We have become aware of some other mothers around us who are suffering with breast cancer in silence. We worry about them and feel so lucky that we have found our path. Looking back our path was simple compared to many other women who have been stricken with this disease.
Maybe it was appropriate tonight I caught one of our guilty pleasure movies on tv, Music and Lyrics. ’80s pop music kind of defined the relationship roots that we have. This movie was a cute little love story we caught one night and just couldn’t get the simplistic tunes out of our heads for weeks. For some reason, the main song had a nother meaing to me tonight when I heard it again. I think we’re definitely finding our way back.
I also want to remind you all that on Monday, Martin Luther King Day, I will be hosting a Q&A with Chad Moutray, author of My Life with Laura – A Love Story. Chads and his wife lost her battle with breast cancer in 2007 and he wrote a book about his experiences. I do hope that you will all make sure to come back and read the interview I had with him.
Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. ~Winston Churchill
As most runners know, there are times when you hit the proverbial “wall”. I’ve found that it doesn’t matter whether you are running one fast mile or 5 long ones, the wall is always there. Your body aches and screams for you to stop but it is your mind that powers you on.
In a way I have hit that wall in caring for my wife. That tough edge has been hard to keep up lately. I’m not giving up on her though. In fact her strength is coming back and I’ve been able to let my guard down a bit and that has allowed me to move on a little bit. i think she is showing me that strength again to let me know that I can go on too. She has now started going on and doing her own research online. It has relieved me from having to read some of the more tragic or difficult stories online. I used to go on Breastcancer.org to find answers but lately she has found a few good friends with the same physicians and they have encouraged her, helped her to mentally get stronger to face her fears, and she is spending more time talking to other women online.
She still is fragile though. I just got back from being away four days in Las Vegas at a convention. It was very difficult to be away from her and to leave her with no back-up. Our nightly calls were more about wondering if she was okay. It was also about telling my 9-year old son to watch out and take care of his mom. I’m hoping that I don’t scare him, but I see great maturity in him. I always have see it since he was little baby. He just had this “old sage soul” look about him. At the same time he still has the other issues that little boys have, not cleaning up, not lifting the toilet seat, and not slowing down around the house. All in all he’s a good kid though and I trust him immensely. My favorite moment (you’ll see the relevance below) is when he was 7 and as an advanced reader had picked up an encyclopedia to look up the word embryo, a word he had heard on Animal Planet. The next thing you know he is telling me that apes and humans are very simliar and that men have sperm and women have eggs, but they don’t lay them like chickens. My daughter (5 at the time) stood behind her brother with her arms crossed and looking at me as if to say, “Hey, what’s the big idea?” well let’s just say I don’t think I’ll ever have to have the bird and the bees talk with my chilldren ever. Hopefully that is a fatherly chore that I won’t miss.
It has been 5 weeks now since my wife’s latest surgery and I have had a hard time honestly looking at her scars and even at her chest. Tonight she wanted to start documenting and had me take a few photos of her reconstruction. I was a little nervous. It was the first chance for me to take a look. It is hard for me to look at my beautiful wife with her scars and say that they look great only because I know she is able to sense any hesitation or trepidation in my voice. It is still early and even she knows they aren’t quite ready to be looked at. She is going to need to get some revisions as the original scars haven’t healed straight. She will have a follow up appointment on March 23. It should be an hour procedure.
The hard part was that today the doctor called to make the appointment and our 9 year old son listened in on the other line when my wife was talking. He later told my wife that he had listened. He is really worried that his mother is going to have a third surgery and asked if she was going to be okay. Our daughter caught on and told us that she thought we got rid of “mommy’s lump”. We told them that just like we need to go to the doctor every year that mommy needs to go every month and that she was lucky that her doctors could spend so much time with her. Listening to her talk to the children I realized she is getting stronger. She doesn’t want them to worry. She is even telling me she will just need local anaesthesia for the final surgery. I would prefer general if it were me but she is game. She told me she knows she can “handle it” . I told her that I didn’t think it would be a good idea but she’s the strong one when it comes to blood and guts and told me I was getting soft and where was the guy who stripped her drains 4 months ago? We had a good chuckle.
All this means to me is that my wife is almost fully back and I couldn’t be happier. She’s taught me a lot about myself and our relationship over the past several months. It has been painful and although there are times we wanted to give up, but somehow we’ve built the strength from each other and kept moving and pushed through that wall. The aches and pains are still there but the goal line or finish line is still out there on the horizon.
Life goes on and we’re traveling down the road together. We’re helping each other out and making sure the other doesn’t give up and that we don’t give up on each other.
Our success is a direct result of knowing how to market a brand and having the right people representing the brand. – Greg Norman, golfer
Lost among all the well known conferences going on in Vegas right now is the Affiliate Summit, a marketing conference for online affiliates and their networks. So while on the other side of the highway, the Consumer Electronics Show, the Adult Video Network Consumer Show, and Internext take place, we are quietly having our annual meeting.
What is affiliate marketing? Affiliate marketing is an Internet-based marketing practice in which a business rewards one or more affiliates for each visitor or customer by paying them some kind of bounty or revenue share based upon performance. Its the same as a large company hiring a bunch of sales people to get paid for selling their product and they will get a commission.
I have been in this business since the late 1990s when I first left my comfortable consulting position to join the wild and fast internet retail industry. I joined a company called Reel.com which 6 months later was bought by Hollywood Video. When I first started, one of the key investors, a venture fund, asked if I could start an affiliate program similar to what Amazon.com did. Brashly I said sure. If they could do it for books, we could do it for VHS tapes and these new things called DVDs. I rapidly built into the 4th largest program on the Web behind Amazon and Barnes & Noble, and CDNow. With over 250,000 affiliates it was like being the sales manager of over 250,000 sales people. Each had their own quirks. Some wanted more money, some wanted more hand holding, some had problems with other affiliates creeping into their territory, etc. In the physical world it is similar to managing an army of Mary Kay or Avon door to door salespeople or those who used to have Tupperware parties.
The main difference is that almost anyone can set up as an affiliate. most people do this as a side hobby to collect a little cash, but the people at this concference are mostly professionals who make a living at it. There are many kinds of organizations who are affiliates. Coupon sites, Loyalty companies, Shopping sites, fan sites, donation sites, etc.
The big deal these days is how to capitalize on social media and turn your blogs and personal social media pages into pages of casual affiliation. Affiliate arketing has always been about B2B2C (Business to business to consumer) or B2C (Business to consumer). I think with social media it is about to change to B2B2C2C or B2C2C in such that you the consumer are hlping to virally sell to other consumers. How’s that? Well just think for example how you buy things today. If you want to go see a movie or a a record or a book. Many of you might read a review in the news or a magazine, but there are many who buy that record or book at the advice of a friend. Our job is to find those affiliates who are tastemakers and pay them for their heartfelt recommendations.
Well that at least is my personal take on where things are going. The key is building the right technology and processes for making that happen in the online world. The conference that I am attending does rev up my juices each year and helps to reenergize my batteries to keep pushing forward in a much forgotten and sometimes ignred part of the online advertising world.
This conference is led by two individuals, Missy Ward and Shawn Collins who act as stewards for awareness of the industry. Missy is also an activist in the fight against breast cancer awareness and has a site to make sure people in our industry support the cause. It is called Affiliate Marketers Give Back. Each conference ends with a little fundraiser for a fight to “Save the boobies” as Missy likes to call it.
Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get — only what you are expecting to give — which is everything. What you will receive in return varies. But it really has no connection with what you give. You give because you love and cannot help giving. – Katherine Hepburn
I found the quote above on a site about Spousal Caregiving and it really hit home. We’re done with all the surgeries yet this week my wife had three days in the hospital and if you thought the waiting was excruciating before and during the surgeries, it is only worse now. I guess it is like they say about Chinese Restaurants. You know it is good and authentic if Chinese people work there and it is busy and filled with Chinese people. I think the same goes with a breast cancer clinic. If you have to wait hours even if you have an appointment, then your doctor must be real good.
Last night my wife spent 4 hours at the hospital for a shot, a visit with the nurse practitioner to go over her side effects from her clinical trial, and then to visit with her rock star oncologist. You are wondering why? Well the reason is that she spends so much time caring and listening to each patient that she does fall behind that most people understand. Today was a follow up meeting with the plastic surgeon. My wife has some nip-tuck things she wanted to have taken care of he took a look. and told her to book some time. We checked his schedule but we’re talking about mid-April!! Well his wonderful nurse said to book a time but if we could do something on four days notice, we could get something done pretty quick if we just sit on stand-by.
My travel schedule looks crazy already this year and I just hate being away from my family, especially now. Today was the first day that I had to watch my son practice his basketball. He’s good at it. Not great, but the joy on his face is all that I care about. I drove him home and started to talk about how he could be better, but realized that telling a kid on a Friday afternoon about the nuances of practicing hard and being a floor leader were just not something he wanted to hear. I chuckled at myself, “Come on dad, it’s just practice”. I was just trying to make up for my missing his first game of the season as well as his favorite thing…the annual Little League Skills Assessment Day. Last year I was so nervous watching him that my stomach was in knots. All these men with clipboards and stopwatches taking notes on my 8 year old, 55 pound kid as if he was some kind of bonus baby. Well he did well enough to be put in the elite group where they take the top kids and spread them evenly so no one team is overly loaded with skilled players. This year my wife gets the fun duty. It did feel good though to spend some time alone with my son.
Despite the stress of today’s waiting at the hospital we were able to have an early dinner as my daughter was requesting some family time. Fortunately my flight was late and we could squeeze it in (amazing as I still only arrived at the airport 40 minutes before my flight on a Friday night). My daughter has such a nurturing nature about her for a 6 year old. She loves her older brother and she is always looking after her mom and telling me when she is doing something that she doesn’t think my wife should be doing (yes, she is a bit of a tattle tale in that way). She cares deeply and is sensitive to the fabric of our little quadrangle of a family.
I guess Katherine Hepburn was right…..you do what you do when you truly care.
I did buy some tickets for Valentine’s Day for the two of us. Hopefully my mom won’t mind having her grandchildren over as her Valentine’s. I really need to get my wife alone and see her have that smile back on her face. When we lived in the New York Metro area, Valentine’s was a big day when I courted her. We usually planned one big meal where we would eat at a top 20 NYC restaurant. I remember those Valentine’s Days 20 years later! We’d have to make a reservation before Thanksgiving to get any of our choice restaurants in NYC. Ah…to be young again….
I did pick up the Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama at the airport tonight. I was curious. It almost reads a little too highbrow like a lawyer wrote it. I’m sure the intellectual Democrats follow it, but I’m not sure if the average joe on the street Democrat would really follow. I’m not big on politics personally as I feel like it is a topic that divides and not brings people together so you might not see much about my political opinions here…and that is a good thing.
