Monthly Archives: November 2008

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Still Thankful – Life is a Highway

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“If I could, I wish I had the cancer, not my son” – mother of a cancer victim at the local pediatric cancer ward

This past weekend was a nice chance to sit back and be thankful for all that we have even though things are not perfect.  It has been a long four months but we are entering the home stretch.  We do have some issues and unfortunately I am frustrated that i can’t help my wife with some of her final decisions related to a clinical trial with bisphosphonates that could become a problem should my wife need oral surgery.

Other than that, life isn’t bad right now.  My wife has been able to get herself off of all her drugs and will be starting her Tamoxifen treatments tomorrow.  Her OS treatments start Thursday.  I will be having to watch her moods as these two new drugs entering her system might have an effect on her moods.  She is off of Ibuprophen and the Adavin.  Next Friday is her swap surgery and we will begin the recovery.  Its a lot to be going through with one’s body so I hope mentally she is okay.

I did have to tell our children that their mother was going to have one more procedure as I don’t want them to be worried when there mother has to go to the hospital again.  They are smart so we can’t fool them twice.  We told our kids that it is a smaller proceudre to check on their mother and make sure she is okay.

On a side note I took our son out this weekend and he got his first birdie.  I’m sure it will be the first of many.  What impressed me more was his low key manner and smile when I congratulated him.  He is learning to take life on an even level but I sure do hope that he learns to enjoy the many simple pleasures in life that he will have.

Well tomorrow is the first day of December!  I can’t believe this year is almost over!  It has definitely been one of the more trying years in my life and I am going to be happy when it is over.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Being Thankful – Life is a Highway

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You share a bond and friendship that can’t be broken – Fortune Cookie

Given what we have been through this year, some might wonder how Thanksgiving might be different or how we can be thankful.  In fact, on my run tonight I spent a half an hour just thinking of all the people and things I am thankful for.  Well this Thanksgiving was different for me.  For one, I never before had a Thanksgiving where I didn’t sit down for a big Turkey meal with either side of our huge family.

In fact, today marks the 4 month marker since the day she was diagnosed with cancer and our world was set spinning.

The thought of almost losing the love of my life and the mother of my children at an early age to breast cancer has been a bit of a wake up call to me / her / us.  I am so thankful that she has been able to endure her skin sparing mastectomy to remove the cancer and has been given a new lease on life.  Today was spent “being thanksful” and thanking all those who have helped us to get through this year.  We also spent the morning helping out those less fortunate than ourselves.  Is not all about health and wealth.

To hear and see the stories of others we were able to see other people out there who are just as thankful as we are for what we have today.  In fact some definitely have more to be thankful for than us and I was happy to show our children how lucky we are.  This year though we have many friends, family, doctors, etc who are all part of the reason why we are thankful for their love and caring, for the health of my wife, and for the lessons we have learned from them to know what true compassion means 

In recent days we were happy to hear that my wife’s parents finally have decided to come out and see my wife.  I know it means so much to her that they will be coming to visit.  I guess we have one more thing to be thankful for this year.

Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Confidence is a Drug – Life is a Highway

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“I am Superwoman, Put an S on my chest” – Alicia Keys

Continuing my theme of letting go, my wife is starting to do a lot of little things which are showing her confidence and need for independence from going grocery shopping alone to resuming her exercise.  It is a simple thing sometimes but I can trace this renewed energy just from a simple invite from some of the “popular moms” in our kids school who asked her to join them for an evening out.  It really made my wife feel good to still fit in.  I know her confidence wiill ebb over the next few months as she goes through her recontstruction and deal with both the emotional and physical scars.

Interestingly enough we had the same conversation about confidence with our own children.  We want to teach them humbleness.  While both are well liked by their classmates we want to teach them to be humble individuals and help them for the inevitable day when they receive rejection and teach them how to handle it.

Part of gaining confidence is providing exposure to as much as possible.  As a parent it is our job to show our children as much as we can while providing guidance.  As we go through our lives our parenting takes on many forms that are influenced by our own experiences.  We sometimes learn by giving our children things that our parents couldn’t give us or providing many of those same experiences.  For me, I miss those moments with my dad and this weekend I was able to take my son to his 1st  Big Game (Cal vs. Stanford football), but it is was more than just a game.  As I say, it is always the experience of getting there, and taking a 9 year old to Berkeley is always an eye-opening experience.  Blondies Pizza, Top Dog, the homeless, Rasputin’s Records, etc are all part of the mystique after taking Bart to Berkeley.  For our son (and some day our daughter) the experience started with listening to the Cal Band. 

After listening to the Cal Band we marched up to the stadium with them.  The smile and laughter that he had watching the band made me tear up.  30 years ago that was me with my dad.  I only hope my dad felt as satisfied with giving me that same experience and I showed him the same amount of gratitude.  The casual conversation about the history of the schools and the area were part of a great day of bonding that hopefully will create many pleasant memories for my son because they sure did for me.

My wife and I are still being cautious about the post-surgery experience and what it will mean to us.  I think we know how it will be physically but psychologically we’ve been talking about some of our concerns and issues each night.  We will have to work through it, but at the moment we aren’t sure what those exact issues will be.  What we do know is that we have to be observant of each other’s behavior and let each other know when we observe anything.

One thing we did agree upon though is that leading into this Thanksgiving, we will not be at a loss for things we will be thankful for.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Learning to Let Go – Life is a Highway

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“Don’t worry, you just have to let go”

Every day we reach those milestones.  As parents we look for new ones every day. As caregivers we help people cross new paths.  Today was a simple one.  Just crossing the street. Yes, today our son crossed the street for the first time by himself.  As a parent I watched the whole thing and felt so proud.  Unfortunately my wife was not so happy.  I told her she was going to have to learn to let go and know that this was a great chance to learn especially under the watch of a parent.

Well this might seem trivial to some, but I think it is a learning experience for both me and my wife.  She has always been from a family that is very conservative and controlling.  It is a tendency she tries to avoid.  Although she admitted that what my son did was fine, she was still hyper-critical.  I reminded her of how her own parents invaded her life as she got into her 20s and how she hated it.  I told her she had better learn to let go before her children not tell her when they did something for fear of being nagged to death.  In  fact i reminded her that her our son is very similar to me and that I have been known to go my own way without telling my wife when I fear her overmanaging a situation.  I told her that I don’t want our children to be the same way.

I’ve been thinking about it and I myself have to learn to let go.  I have to stop treating my wife’s condition like she’s going to break.  Although I’m not blocking my wife from returning to normal.  I have been jumping to do things for her and need to let her get used to doing things on her own again.  I am preventing her healing process from accelerating.  Baby steps at first like crossing the street but I have to make sure she has that chance to spread her wings as wide as she feels comfortable.  I asked her if this was an issue and she said it wasn’t but understood how I was feeling and told me that she was okay and ready to get on with her recovery.

I GUESS LIFE GOES ON..at least for another couple weeks until her next surgery.  She did mention that she talked to another mom from the school who just found out that she has cancer too.  Turns out that she has the same surgeon that my wife and mother had.    Pretty small world and quite amazing.

Well that’s me.  Signing off and letting go.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

It Just Doesn’t Stop – A Loving Fight

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“Houston, we have lift off”

When my wife called to tell me that she had been called by the doctor with a date for swap-out surgery, I could hear the joy in her voice.  The fact that this was going to be the day for birthday all I could say was “Happy Birthday” and she giggled.  I was running the other night and realized that it had been two months since her surgery.  it seemed like ages ago when I was helping to strip her drains and bring her meals in bed.  Hearing her news I was ready to start thinking about life after cancer and was just thinking of jumping for joy.  It was a simple thing like when a rocket takes off into space and all the guys at NASA jump for joy over launching a space ship.  The tone of the conversation quickly dulled though when my wife told me that the mother of one of our son’s classmates was just diagnosed with breast cancer.

It hit me there.  This fight will never be over.  We are forever going to be meeting new comrades in arms.  It will be a daily reminder of how fortunate we are and how far we’ve come.

Oddly, someone asked me what I thought about the equal rights issues for the gay and lesbian community.  i told them I didn’t have much thought about it right now and they got mad.  I told them we all have out issues.  There are autoworkers who are going to lose their jobs, parents who have lost their children in a war, etc.  I just don’t know how people can be mad at others for putting their personal issues right now over other issues that many people are suffering with which are also equally important.

Back to my wife’s treatment, the next 5 years will be consumed by my wife receiving follow up therapy for her cancer.  Although very low on risk, my wife cares for our children and our family to want to do all that she can to beat this disease.

She has slowly taken herself off the Atavin and is getting off the Ibuprofen in preparation for her surgery.  She is back working on her consulting projects and although tired and taking mid-day naps, she has resumed most of her household duties although I still take the kids to school and do all the grocery shopping.  I watch her with the children and she is soaking in every moment cuddling with them at bedtime, reading as a guest reader in school, chaperoning on field trips, she has a renewed energy to consume life that I haven’t seen in a long time.

Yes, cancer is a Brave New World.

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As an aside I just passed my 1,000 mile mark for running this year.  And when I took my car in today, I realized I’d only driven my car 3,200 miles this year.  Not bad.  I guess you can say I’ve lived a pretty “green” life this year.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Power of Positive – Life is a Highway

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“I don’t want to be a Ee-yore”

I got back from my run tonight and realized that I am just short of 1,000 miles for the year.  Since I don’t run competitively anymore it really means 6500 minutes of thinking time.  Time to contemplate my life, my problems, my failures, my hopes and most importantly my solutions.

I’ve always thought that there has to be an answer to things.  Most importantly, there is an answer to sadness and failure.  You just have to think things out.  This weekend while seemingly normal (if you can call it that) It has been hard lately in our house.  It was a hard weekend emotionally as we had to revisit our situation.  Once the negative thoughts and comments creep in, it just changes the tone of our home.  I noticed my wife was raining on my parade a bit over the last week.  She’s always been the realist in our relationship while I have been the dreamer.  We have always worked hard to balance each other out without the expense of ruining the other person’s day.  This has changed though, recently, and we had to have a bit of a discussion to clear the air.  Lots of tears were shed.  Thoughts of frustration over the delay of surgery and the starting of Tamoxifen treatment had a greater change in outlook than expected.

I also realized that I was remaining distant.  It wasn’t because i was avioiding my wife but rather because she was pushing me away by not wanting to hear my opinion.  It is hard. You try to be selfish with your time, yet to be there for the other psrson.  I’m finding it hard to stay positive for the both of us when I’m tired and not feeling heard.

Last week our visit to the oncologist was long as usual.  I went along for support.  It had been a while since i had been back to the cancer clinic and although it is a pleasant place for a cancer clinic, it is a place where you lose your ability to control the situation.  The wait for our reknowned oncologist while waiting in an 8′ x 10′ foot room is always nerve-wracking.  It gave us time to communicate though.  I told my wife that although I was there to support her, the decision she made for her treatment was all hers.  I told her any kind of optional treatment that meant getting shots or inconveniencing myself were my deal breakers although that ahould not be method of reasoning.  She agreed and after listening to the fellow, she told me she was going to choose Tamoxifen with Ovarian suppression.    I told her I was definitely going to support her no matter what.  Well 10 minutes later and her oncologist walks in and convinces her to go with a bisphosphonate trial.

As we walked out, my wife said, “I know what you are thinking.”  I told her it was typical of her not going with my opinion and even worse not sticking with her own convictions.  I told her I was still okay with her choice, but I could tell she was frustrated with herself.  This carried into her negative thoughts and comments over the last few days.  She was frustrated in not being able to control things and that for once she was not able to do it her way or felt like she was just putting her life in the hands of another.

I told her that her concerns were legitimate and that she was just going to have to stick with her convictions or be more open to listening to others.  On the other hand I promised to not be so “darned positive”.

Well we should hear tomorrow when the next surgery will be.  That should help bury some of the frustration of not knowing and not being in charge.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Living in Limbo – The Highway of Life

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Is it making you laugh?  Is it making you cry? – Sugarland

Tomorrow is our follow up appointment with my wife’s oncologist.  I hope we can come to a decision on what we are doing going forward.  We really are in limbo here.  I feel as if we are being held captive by surgery dates, concerns about travel, medications, etc.  Holiday travel and just getting on with life and living it the way we’ve discussed is what we are looking forward to.  I’m already looking forward to taking her to see Elton John in Vegas for Valentine’s Day 2009.  Its one of those once in a lifetime shows that I think we need to see.  We just missed seeing James Brown last year and had tickets to see a show but he died.

As I mentioned in my last entry, this journey has really helped me to assess my love for my wife.  Each night when I run, I remind myself of all of our great memories and all the things I still want to do with her.  They say when you run, you can get a runner’s high.  Tonight was one of those nights.  I matched my highschool cross country times from over 20 years ago on our cross country course. I wasn’t even trying and I was a little shocked when I checked my watch.  It was a full minute faster than I’d been runing this month.  All I remember doing was listening some music by Sugarland and the next thing you know my run was over.  I barely even remember running up the steep hill near the end of my run.  I was listening so intently to the lyrics of one of their songs, I just lost track of my time.

Well eat your heart Dara Torres!  I too can do in my 40s what those half our age can do.  Now I just wish we could find the time to accomplish more in life.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Why the Analogy with Roads, Highways, Journeys, etc.?

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“Life is a Highway, I want to ride it all night long” – Rascal Flatts

People have emailed me and asked why I title many of my posts as Life is a Highway.  Well it is the name of a little song by a country band, Rascal Flatts.  I’m not a country enthusiast but I find the song catchy, uplifting and I found the lyrics to how I want to live life:

One of my main points that I live my life by is to enjoy the journey because sometimes no matter how great the reward is at the end, the effort and experience of getting there is more rewarding.  Whether it is driving across the country and enjoying the beautiful scenery, completing a huge task successfully with a group of people who show a great sense of teamwork, or fighting cancer and finding out who your friends really are, there are so many journeys that we all take each day.  The car, my car, Herbie, is also my vehicle that gets me around town.  to me there is no other car windshield that I ‘d rather watch people through as my journey crosses the streets of San Francisco each day.  I was lucky to be born in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and there is no use avoiding its rich culture and history.

Someone else asked me why I seem to write my updates late at night.  Well it is usually the first time all day that I take for myself and I often go running late at night.  It is so peaceful out and I run like I live my life.  I’ve always been a distance runner and when I run I love to soak in the surroundings.  I get to run two very beautiful streets at night which are now lined with holiday lights already.  Tonight I soaked in the crisp air, stared at the full moon through the branches, and window shopped along world famous Fillmore St. and Sacramento St. .  Window shopping is really cheap when all the stores are closed already.  Smelling the perfume of women walking home, men smelling like their fifth bourbon, and the smells of the fries from the Johnny Rockets burger joint all are spices of life that I soak in on my run each evening.

It’s not just my journey that I enjoy, but the journeys of others.

Why run?  Why run so late?  Running is for my life.  High Cholesterol runs in my family and I do it for me and my kids.  Blogging is for me and my kids too.  I was a terrible history student , but I do vow that I will not repeat my dad’s mistakes.   Although my dad was a wonderful dad, he kept his feelings to himself.  The stresses I think ultimately led to his heart attack.  Expressing myself is something I aim to do through my blogging.  My goal is to be there for my grandchildren.  I want to give back to them.  With our generation living longer than our ancestors ever did, I hope to be able to give to my grandchildren life lessons that my own father never got to provide to his own grandchildren.

I mentioned my wife’s cancer.  It has been a rough journey.  Someone asked me why I wouldn’t want to talk about such a horrible experience.  Well life has many bumps and we tend to suppress the bad memories and focus on the good ones.  For me this journey through cancer has been a great learning experience for me.  I’ve learned so much about myself, my love for my wife, and my respect for the limited time we have on this Earth.  I will never forget these days, the pain, the joys and the many people I may never see again.  And if I do, I can look back and hopefully see a person on these pages who has grown.

Alright, time to pull over and get some rest!

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Many Different Stories – One Destiny

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“We have so many different stories, and one single destiny”

When I went running tonight (it is usually where I do my thinking) I replayed this historic week and its place in history.  Our first President of ethnicity is one piece.  The way he was able to gain the support of the majority of our country in just 22 months with a grass roots campaign through modern communication techniques was brilliant yet a throwback to traditional ways of fundraising and campaigning. 

Whether you were for or against the President-elect I looked at it as a big time in our society and a great learning one.  I wasn’t alive for JFK or for MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech, I hear the stories of the many people who know where they were when they heard that speech.  I’m not sure, but I’m guessing Barack Obama’s “Yes We Can” speech will be one for the ages.

That is why I had my 9 year old son listen to both John McCain’s concession speech and Barack Obama’s victory speech with me.  My 6 year old daughter is too young.  While I know it might have been boring to an adult’s ear, I’m sure for a young kid that it might not have meant much.  I just wanted my son to remember sitting on the couch with his dad while he listened.  I told him that he didn’t need to remember the speech but to remember and take something from the speech.  When it was over, I asked him what he got out of it.  he mentioned the 100 year old lady who had seen a lot of change.  He then said, “We are country full of people with many stories, yet one destiny”.

I asked if he understood and he told me that like our family, we are four different people with different storied , but we do things together as a family.  Just like a team.  Kids are so great.  Their minds are clear and they help us see things in a different light.  I hadn’t even picked up that line until my son mentioned it.  Over the next several days I applied it on many different levels.  I applied it to Work, Family , and even my classmates that I saw at my 25th high school reunion.  The stories are diverse and should be celebrated.

Most importantly I thought about the many stories of the women such as my wife and mother who have battled or are battling cancer.  Their stories are varied yet all of these women have one destiny and that is to find the cure for and beat cancer.  Their stories have inspired me.  I was talking to my wife who told me that a mom wanted to interview her because she found my wife to be an inspiration.  While my wife does not find herself to be an inspiring figure, she was flattered and it made her feel good. 

I reminded my wife that change begins from within.  We recounted how my mother has changed in her fight over the last 5 years.  I told her that she shouldn’t passively be an inspiration, but to be a little more active in how she affects others.  We agreed that it is a time to say “Yes We Can” and I say that in a non-political way, but at an individual interest level. 

For me, as we approach this holiday season and I look forward to this work week, I will bring my own destiny and inspiration to my actions.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Hopes, Dreams, Fears – Life Is A Highway

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“Who’s Coming with Me?” – Jerry Maguire

My late night runs are not just about health and fitness.  Sometimes the runs are just a place for me to contemplate life and where it is taking me.  Usually it is about my dreams, hopes and fears.  My wife usually laughs at me because I come home sweating and also with a list of things that I think we should do or I’d like to do.

Fears – Right now I’m still fearing for my wife’s mortality.  I hope that she can get the next part of her surgery done.  She’s uncomfortable but not complaining.  The problem is we are stuck now as the doctors have her in limbo.  They say that getting time in the OR to complete surgery is going to take time.  We don’t have time as we’ve made lots of plans already  We’re all frustrated.  Tonight, just as I was about to go for a run I felt a twinge in my back.  There is a small lump on my hip (a hip pointer? cancer?)  Ackk, how can I even think of that?  I remember in college when my roommate died of cancer.  Every little bump on my body struck fear in me.  I have to check this out.  I fear leaving my children and wife alone.

Hopes and Dreams?  They all sit with my kids.  This week we elected our first black President.  To me, the President that our country was going to select was going to be a new direction no matter what.  As I went to the airport the day after the election, all I saw were smiling and hopeful faces.  People had hopes.  Very high hopes.  I’m sure those smiles might not have been as wide in some parts of the country, but I’m sure we are waiting for the next 8 weeks to move on and see what will happen.  My children are growing up in a great country and I want to give them every chance to laugh think and cry that I have. 

Again, as I ran tonight I dreamed.  Dreamed of traveling to far away places with my kids, dreamed of giving my daughter’s hand away in marriage, dreamed of attending a great sporting event with my son, and dreamed of seeing my wife happy and healthy.

Tomorrow is my highschool 25 year reunion.  My good friend said, well here we go down the second half of our life.  I told I don’t put my life in two halves.  I’m in my middle third.  The first third is growing, The second third is playing and the last third is reflecting and giving.  He laughed and said I was in denial.  I told him I was just living my life as I saw it.  I’m going to live my life as happily as I can.  Anyone coming with me?