If you always raise your head and look straight ahead, you will avoid stepping in dog poop – James Hom, my dad
I don’t know what it is, but tonight’s run was my fastest in the past two months. My body ached, my legs are tired and yet I had a very strong run. As always, lots of thoughts ran through my head tonight including the quote above which is something I randomly remember my dad telling me as a kid after I came home with dog poop on my shoe. All kinds of things still run through my head after a run and I always scramble to get them down on paper. It is when my thinking is the clearest and least conflicted. What else ran through my head? My cousin, Jenkin ,who died 15 years ago at the age of 45 from a heart attack was on my mind (probably because I need my physical next month) , Chad Moutray and his daughter (as he wrote me today on Facebook), and of course the economic crisis that our country is dealing with (yikes taxes are due and so is my real estate ptoperty tax next month). Everytime I run and these thoughts flood my head, I feel compelled to write them down before I go to sleep and forget them.
Why do I write this? My dad was a pretty private person. I don’t remember thinking that my dad was such an open book. There was always some mystery to me about who my dad was. I for one remember following my dad one night to see where he went (he went back to his office to put together some models for someone’s teeth). I mean I did know him, but not his inner thoughts. In Chad Moutray’s book he does a great job of sharing his wife’s feelings and hope with us through her notes and his interpretations. I feel like I know what she is like even though I never met her. I want my spouse to be able to read these thoughts and know what I was really thinking. Sometimes we are running around so much that we never sit down and actually communicate.
The quote at the top was quite appropriate yesterday as I drove to work. The sign in the Niketown window read: “Hope Rides Again” in reference to Lance Armstrong riding in the Tour de California bike race. The sign had been up for a couple weeks but I finally had my head up and was watching. It was like a big message for me the last couple days. Kind of like in “Field of Dreams”….”Ease his Pain” and “If you Build it, he will come”.
Maybe my mind was cluttered by my concern for my wife. They found some swollen nodes at her last pre-operative check-up last week. We were wondering if the cancer had come back. They took a biopsy and fortunately we got the results today that it was all clear. Whew! My wife had told me not to worry, but what was I to do!? You try and distract yourself and forget, but you can’t!
At least her visit with the Plastic Surgeon went well. She really likes him so that is what is best. It will be a little longer than the original hour projected so they will have to put her under again more than just local sedation.
(I’m going to finish this tomorrow as I need sleep)
Ah Friday. I’ve been terribly efficient today and need to be given that this weekend will be spent as a chauffeur between Little League and Basketball playoffs. A good excuse to get outside I guess.
Not sure why Ididn’t just end this post last night as I fell asleep watching “Survivor” on Tivo so I will end it now
Only love, only love can leave such a mark
But only love, only love can heal such a scar – U2, Magnificent
Can you tell I love the new U2 album? The song, Magnificent, not only has that classic ambient guitar reverb that makes their music so identifiable, but the lyrics this time are so mature and reflect the new angle that this band has taken. I don’t like all the songs on the album, but there are some new classics which will be part of their legacy.
The song has been added to my running music and really helps drive me up and down the San Francisco hills and reminds me of all my wife’s struggles and scars from her struggles over the past year. Ironically as my wife gets ready for her (hopefully) final surgery to reduce the scarring and any kind of residual malformations, we are not at all worried and our love for each other grows more and more each day. Communication and understanding are by far better than ever (she still is the world’s worst back seat driver, LOL) and when we miscommunicate the issues just dissipate more quickly than ever.
For those who are wondering, and without going into great detail, plastic surgery (why plastic anyway?) is a bit of an art form. The most significant factor is the technical skill and artistic sense of the surgeon. Without excellent technical skill and the eye of an artist, results can range from failure to an aesthetically displeasing outcome. My wife is just having some scar revisions done so that they heal correctly. Additionally there is some asymmetry going on that is probably more of an issue for me visually. While I don’t really mind, my wife can see it on my face and thus wants me to be real in all my emotions for her. “No secrets and no sympathy” she tells me. I’m trying. The Lord knows I’m trying. Yes, that means when I don’t like her cooking I must tell her rather than to hold my nose and swallow. What can I say, I’m not a good poker player when it comes to my wife. She knows I’m an open book.
It is TRULY magnificent how she has now out-done me in dreaming big and enjoying life and being honest in one’s feelings. It is always something I felt like I had to pull teeth with but now she’s pulling me along. Now I’m feeling like I can’t keep up. I actually decided I needed to go get a check up soon. Although I’m scared to find out if I have anything wrong other than high cholesterol, hardened arteries, etc, I just would like to have our family have a year of normalcy and fear having to drag my own family into another inconsistent year of health. I do finally want to get some biopsies done on something that my doctors have said for years “is nothing”. I just want that peace of mind.
Peace of mind is a hard thing to get these days. Economic reports of 11.4MM Americans unemployed and that doesn’t even include those who are underemployed. That is crazy when you think that the state of Ohio is only 11.6MM people. Basically the whole state of Ohio would be unemployed.
SO what should we do? What’s not working? I personally think the government should institute a national home mortgage interest rate of 4%. Anyone can negotiate a 30 year fixed mortgage at that rate as long as they qualify. This should be done without closing costs or prepayment penalties if you are re0financing. We need to stop bailing out the banks and start bailing out the people who have money with the banks. This will prevent more de-valued housing from falling onto bank books. It will also stimulate the economy for those who still have some excess income so that they can throw it into the economy. Those who own their homes outright can take a secured loan and use that money to make improvements on their homes or spend it. The current recovery plan just bails out more people who don’t have jobs to afford their mortgages in the first place. It isn’t helping.
People only see what they are prepared to see – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sundays are a nice time for me these days to reflect on all things. In fact, it is a time when I can figure what to write here. Someone asked me how I started writing. I used to keep a travel journal back in my 20s about my travels. I had the chance to visit beautiful places in the world and would sketch them. Eventually I went to business school at the University of Chicago, one of the most quantitative of business schools with 3 Nobel Laureates in economics amongst its faculty. Most graduates from the school are known as quant jocks or spreadsheet jockeys. Combine that with my undergraduate degree from Carnegie Mellon (once voted as the school with the worst social life in the country) and you would see that on paper my resume depicted me as someone who was bright with no social skills.
We are all given preconceived notions about people as soon as we see them. As an Asian kid from two heavy quantitative schools I always had to fight a reputation as a geek even if I was one. Carnegie Mellon incidentally along with Drexel became the first two campuses that required you to puy a computer. At the University of Chicago Business School they recognized the need to develop well-rounded MBAs and wanted to supplement our core curriculum with “soft skills”. Interestingly, enough, soft skills are thought to be taught only through experiential learning and thus you have to go through trial and error to no how to develop and recognize them. Included in our program for the development of soft skills was a booklet that we called our Minitab where we wrote down notes using active terms such as “I feel” or “I think” to describe our non-school thoughts. At that time I was getting ready to get married so I had a lot to write about daily and I continued to do so. Given that the University of Chicago is known for its hard-core finance discipline, teaching soft skills was definitely not something people cared about. I remember recruiters saying, “I want a quant jock, not someone in touch with their inner peace”. Nonetheless I learned a lot about myself.
One of those tools that we used was a Myers-Briggs Personality Test which provides you with a Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) that judges you among four indicator preferences. The four preferences together make up your whole type. There are 16 possible types. MBTI reports tell you your preference for each of four pairs:
Most MBAs, especially those at top business schools are Type A personalities where everything is BIG, and Cut and DRY, thus they are ENTJ. In fact I recall in a group of 48 people in my cohort that almost 80% were ENTJs. When we had to stand up based upon our types, people thought I was kidding when I stood up as an ISFP. My friend Jerry, a blue collar, tough talker who grew up the son of a major auto-executive told me to sit down and stop kidding around. “You? an introvert?”. It is true. you see, many of my classmates rightly saw me as an ENTJ like them, but my inner comfort level was as an ISFP. The (I) introvert in me would get exhausted after a day of interacted with lots of people and I would need to retire to my solitude to recharge my batteries and take personal inventory of my life. There really are two Myers-Briggs outcomes. There is the MBTI you get from your friends and how they perceive your personality to be and then there is the MBTI you get from your own self analysis. You can get your own Myers-Briggs test here.
Today for me was one of those ISFP days. In the Chinese culture we have something called “Ching Ming” (QingMing) which translates to Tomb Sweeping Day and other have translated it to mean the “Clear and Brightness Festival”. It usually occurs around April 5th but this year we celebrated it early to accomodate the busy schedule of our families (cousins, aunts, uncles). On this day we honor our elders who have passed (my Italian wife says it feels similar to Memorial Day). We burn fake money, scrub the tombstone, bow three times in front of the tombstone of my grandparents and then place burning incense and fresh flowers. My grandparents are buried in a Chinese cemetary in Colma which is known for more dead people than alive people (Thousands to one in fact).
When my grandmother died, she left my father as executor of her estate and they did a very unique thing. They gave each of the brothers and sisters a little moneybut also put a little account together and each year at Ching Ming our family gets together for a luncheon. It is a great way to make sure the Usually 60-70 of us. This year my wife helped to arrange the gathering which I’m sure she felt somewhat amused to do. These days I feel she is more appreciative of the Asian culture than me. I guess that is an indication of my wife’s new lease on life these days. She’s opening up to so many challenges and exploring uncharted waters. My perception of her has changed and she is thinking of changing her own self perception.
Tha amusing note of this day was that we play this game in our family when we listen to the radio that you blurt out the name of the singer as soon as a song starts. Suddenly a song came on and I blurted out “Lenny Kravitz”. My kids have no idea who he is, but my wife knows it has a special funny meaning for me. My dad used to listen to music stations when he fixed people’s teeth so he knew his pop music pretty well. The night of my bachelor party was the night of the famous “slow speed chase with OJ Simpson”. My dad took over that night and suddenly this raven haired woman grabbed me to the back room and danced for me to two Lenny Kravitz tunes that my dad requested. I couldn’t believe my dad did this to me. After the dance there stood my dad at the bar surrounded by my buddies with the biggest smile on my face. He patted me on the back and went home early but he had left his mark. Little did he know that 15 years later it would hit me on Ching Ming.
As soon as we heard the song and I blurted out “Lenny Kravitz”, my wife laughed out loud. Yes, she knows all about my bachelor party. We share everything. She knowingly put her hand on my shoulder as I both teared up and smiled at one of my treasured moments that my dad gave me. Yes, all is Clear and Bright to me now.
Hotel Decor: 87 Orange County chic with a nautical feel. Outdoor lounge areas make the resort feel spacious
Hotel Amenities: 83 All rooms have an exterior face. There are large spaciious rooms in the tower overlooking Fahion Islan Mall or the golf course and Pacific Ocean. The lower three-story structureshave smaller rooms overlooking the pool areas.
Neighborhood Scene: 80 Fashion Island Mall is a stones throw away and the beaches are a short drive away.
Miscellaneous: The hotel is about 20 miles from the Disneyland resort and is only a $20 cab ride from the Orange County (John Wayne Airport). The Hotel has a very nice restaurant as well.
Overall Wow Factor: 85 Service and a relaxing environment are key factors here. The resort has three pools and is very clean. There are many oudoor lounge areas with outlets in case you need to work but would at least like to feel like you are getting some R&R in. There are water stations throughout with orange wedges. I even went out for a late night swim and when I got to my towel someone had placed a cool glass of water next to my deck chair.
King Room
The rooms in the lower structure are small with glass showers but I found them to be all that I needed to relax while staying there for a conference. With palm trees all around and beautiful sunsets you might even be able to trick yourself into thinking that you are in Hawaii. All rooms have a balcony that make the rooms feel larger.
Quiet Swimming Area
I found the resort to be fairly quiet, especially in the non-tower rooms. My room rate was a reasonable $159/nt and I’d especially recommend the resort to Marriott Reward members who are looking for a nice place to spend their weekend.
A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. ~Irish Saying
Today my daughter turns seven and I woke up to her peeking through my cracked bedroom door with a smile waving at me. Ah youthful innocence. She was already dressed and ready for school, but I pulled her close and sang her a quiet “Happy Birthday” without waking her mother. I gave her a little kiss and she ran off to give me another 10 minutes of sleep until the snooze button wore off.
Being a dad of a daughter is tough. Just as much as I would imagine being the mom of a son. Although I saw how my dad interated with my sister and how my grandfather interacted with my mother, I’m not sure if either of those examples were good or even if I could be that kind of dad. My grandfather for sure was very male chauvinistic coming from the old country and treated my mom differently than her six brothers. For me, being the #1 son of the #1 daughter was like being an outcast because I didn’t carry the family name. I know my sister loved my dad, but I’m sure if I pressed her that she say she would liked to have been able to establish a relationship with her where he saw her as an independent strong woman. I don’t think that ever happened. Even when I asked my mother about if she thinks more about my dad or her parents, she said there is no competition. “Your dad would have been 80 this year and would have been wanting to go siurfing in Hawaii. My own dad was an SOB and he wouldn’t deny it”. Well it is true. Despite all the monetary and physical things my grandfaterh gave my mother, true father-daughter love and admirationwas not one of those things he shared with her.
Seven is not old, but I see my daughter growing quickly before my eyes. That loose tooth that she currently is sporting is like my lifeline to her younger years. Even now I see my awkwardness when we hug. Maybe I’m just too big to hug. We definitely have that bond as a parent and child but I want to take it to the father/daughter level. I don’t have that relationship I see her have with her mother. I feel more like a provider than a father. I’m probably going to pick up and start reading a book that I gave many years back to my own dad. “Fatherhood” by Bill Cosby. Maybe I can get some insight there.
Maybe I’m asking too much. Having my daughter give me a big hug and an “I missed you” after a long business trip or coming to me when she needs a little help with something. It just makes a dad feel wanted and needed. I’m sure it will develop more over time. They say boys are easy and girls are tough. There are those others that say when you have a son you worry about him but when you have a daughter you worry about everyone else’s sons. That may be true, but I first want to have a releationship with my daughter that I will know to serve as a basis for all men in her life. One where I can teach her independence and the ability to work with the opposite sex in a respectful and intelligent manner. Every successful woman I’ve met has said they had a positive role model in their own mother but a great relationship model with their own father. Its that relationship that I want to grow with my own daughter.
We still do have great times together. On our recent trip to Disneyland, my wife and I made a conscious effort so that I took my daughter on most rides and my son took my wife on all the crazy rollercoasters. I think my wife definitely got sick of all those crazy drops and our son had a good time watching the horror on his mother’s face. The highligh for me though was driving the Autopia cars with my daughter. I just fastforwarded myself 9 years and could imagine how our first driving lesson would go. It was a riot. And I think my daughter loved driving pops around. Yep, she’s daddy’s Little Girl.
Here’s where we gotta be
Love and community
Laughter is eternity
If joy is real
– U2 , Get on Your Boots
I just thought I’d have to use the name of the U2 album which came out this week as the title of one of my posts. Life has been crazy with 5 consecutive weeks of travel, many sleepless nights (some due to my own pursuit of pleasure), and much going on in every aspect of my life. If I stayed true to my metaphor of “the road of life”, I’d be driving a VW Bus filled with all my life’s belongings listening to the Doobie Brothers and going on a road trip to nowhere. Yes, truly, no line on that horizon for sure. Just going where the wind takes me. Oh and for those who really know me and say that I can fall asleep anywhere, it is true. I think I’m probably the only person around who sleeps from takeoff to landing on flights. In fact, this morning I slept my whole way down to LA.
Sitting down with my thoughts or even going for a run on my own has been a bit of a chore these days. Even as I write this I find myself sitting on a cramped stool at a Samsung Mobile station at Los Angelese International Airport (LAX).
The cab ride here through Los Angeles rush hour traffic actually gave me time to take a snooze and think about things for once. My wife was back home getting her monthly shot and is preparing for her revision surgery. I asked her if it was getting “old hat” and she said, “hardly”. Silly me. At least it was the easy technician who knew what he was doing she said. Did I ever mention I hate needles? It is hard asking her “how did your day go” without wincing. I never hear really terrible things come out of her mouth, but I still worry something will. She’s such a trooper and makes my life much easier than it really should be. In some ways I feel guilty for not letting her put more on me.
Someone asked me about my recent post about my father and asked me why I don’t talk about my mother. Funny, but they are right and I have been thinking about her a lot. I was very close to my dad and many say that I am most like him. We shared many close memories and I guess I talk about him more because I miss him. My mother is turning 70-something this weekend and I feel like she is going on 60. She’s been through a lot and now 3 years after my dad passed I look at her and see a woman who is fiercely independent, very strong, and extremely happy. I still see her missing my dad, but nothing has changed for her and I’ve found my mom’s attitude to be one that my wife should follow.
5 years removed from breast cancer, my mother doesn’t even think of breast cancer. When she walked back into the clinics this past year with my wife, she said the smell and feel of the hospital made her sick. She had put those years behind her and was fighting even before her hair grew back. I can’t recall them all but since she had her surgery she’s been to China, South Africa, Morocco, several trips to New York and Vegas, Hawaii, Japan, Tibet, The Amazon, Costa Rica, Egypt and Russia. “Where’s Mom now?” seems to be the cry amongst my siblings these days. I told her that although she was an unstoppable ball of energy before her cancer that she seemed to be crazier than ever (I always tell people about how my mom is your proto-typical California mom who asks you “What’s your sign” before she asks your name). My wife will never forget the first time they met. My wife had this big painted wooden fish around her neck that she got somewhere in Mexico. “Just call me Sue. I’m a Pisces” were the words that rung out. My future wife just giggled and looked at me. I’m not that into astrology but I think Pisces and Sagittarius signs must get along very well. Amyway, my mother said that cancer only made her more hungry to do more and make sure she left no stone unturned. Every obstacle to her is now an opportunity and it shows. She just never stops seeing the good in things. I love it.
Today as I flew down to Los Angeles I called her just to say hi and how I look forward to seeing her this weekend. I only got her voicemail (it’s all I get these days). I could see her rolling her eyes wondering why I wanted to bother her. I still hear her telling me to get outside and do things instead of sitting in front of the television.
I guess that is why travelling for work is not that bad for me. Los Angeles is great people watching (at least better than sitting at my desk). Today I went to lunch with a few colleagues. They asked where I wanted to go eat and I always tell them that as long as there is good people watching, I’ll go anywhere. We went to Le Petit Four on trendy W. Sunset in Hollywood. Lots of blondes with too much cleavage sitting with old men with George Hamilton tans, but it was good although spendy. I did spot Neil Sedaka though and he was the biggest star quality I could notice. Please tell me if you are reading this that you know who he is. My two colleagues were too young to know. Boy am I getting old. Anyway, Neil was very flattered that this star-gazer spotted him and gave me a knowing smile.
Well unfortunately there is a line on my horizon tonight as I have to board my plane!
Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to go now!” – Kenny Chesney
This Time's A Charm by Donald Wilhelm
Well I have the honor of being the last stop on Donald Wilhelm’s “This Time’s A Charm” blog book tour. Before getting into my interview with Donald below, I have to say that I wasn’t sure about reading another cancer book even if he had survived Hodgkins Lymphoma 4 times. Having lost a college roommate to cancer, watching my mom, cousins, aunts and most recently my own wife deal with breast cancer, another book on cancer just didn’t really appeal to me. I’d done a lot of research on my wife’s behalf to help her through her battle against breast cancer this past year and we are just beginning to get our post-cancer lives back. But such as life we find inspiration in all kinds of places from all kinds of people and all kinds of actions.www.thistimesacharm.com or click here to go directly to the Amazon.com purchase page. I have personally purchased an additional copy for a friend and fellow parent who is similarly diagnosed to Donald. If you haven’t read the previous blog tour entries, follow this schedule:
I found Donald’s book to be inspiring, insightful, honest, and just relevant to what I needed. In life I always look for inspiration to help myself and others, and for my mother and wife when they battled breast cancer I always pointed to Lance Armstrong and his mental toughness. There are other celebrity examples out there like Christina Applegate, Sheryl Crow and Patrick Swayze, but Donald’s story hit me not only as a good story about cancer, but a story about life. You see, although it helps, I don’t think you need to be someone touched by cancer to get something out of Donald’s book. Donald’s story doesn’t glamorize anything about his battle and survival which makes it more real and something that anyone touched by cancer or going through troubled times can relate to. Donald takes us through the cold reality of each one of his treatments and surgeries and provides a non-clinical view of what the patient goes through emotionally and physically. Better yet, what Donald does is=2 0typical of his personality. He doesn’t question things without giving his own opinion or answer. He always has his own solution for coping with what a cancer patient will go through.
If you are a Carpe Diem person, someone who believes in the power of positive thinking, or just finds inspiration in real life stories that give you that extra push to remind you about how much you need to respect life and all that surrounds you, then this book is one that I recommend.
I happened to finish this book as I took my wife for a Valentine’s Day in Las Vegas to see Elton John. For me this was my way of saying to my wife that we should get moving with life and start trying to put cancer behind us. It was my wife’s first trip, time away from our kids and time to think of her own pleasure and happiness. As I hit the end of the book and took in it’s messages as our plane descended into Vegas, I found myself nudging my wife and having her read passage after passage. I saw her smiling, nodding and crying as she read each page. She got it. It was time to start living her life
I’m not going to give away the key messages of the book because everyone will take something different from it, but I have some questions for Donald in an interview that will hopefully give you some insight to parts of the book that I really related to the most (especially as a caregiver).
Route53: Donald, let me just s ay that your story is inspiring on some many levels. Even without the message of surviving cancer 4 times I would have found your book inspiring. As a caregiver my first thought was to read who you dedicated the book to: Your wife Amy, friends, family and doctor. As I hit the end of the first page I had to recheck my facts. It talks about your wife Sara (not Amy). It always saddens me to read about a spouse who leave s their loved one at a time of need (What the heck happedned to “in sickness and in health”?). As I read about your separation and other parts of your life I seemed to notice you let people leave your life fairly easily. Is this just the way you wrote the book to not dwell on those matters? Were you not wanting to drag loved ones into your cancer world?
DW: Well, I spent a lot of time while I was isolated with the disease and really took the time to evaluate some of my “friendships” at the time. There’s nothing like a life-threatening disease to help you quickly sift through true friends from the others. What I found was that most of the people I had been spending time with seem to be “takers” and I was always the one that had to be “giving.” I came to realize how draining that had been on me and I knew it couldn’t not continue, nor should it. Life is short. I now choose to spend my time with positive-natured people who only add to my life and don’t detract
from it.
Route53: Although you have fought a strong battle on your own, for me there are three major people who were the core of your battle. In your book, you touch on surrounding yourself with the right people so I would like to focus on these caregivers. Let’s first talk about your choice of Dr. Jeff. In the book you talk about how you chose him. What further insight can you tell us about Dr. Jeff that you found was fitting for you, not just as a doctor, but as a person. Tell us about your relationship with Dr. Jeff today.
DW: Dr. Jeff is simply awesome. He’s very down-to-Earth, yet he is an excellent doctor who’s always up on the latest studies and research. I frankly have no idea how he has enough time in any given day to do what he does. Today, our relationship is as strong as possible. He respects me as a patient who runs his own healthcare team and I respect him as
the quarterback, counting on him to think out-of-the-box at times and run an audible if necessary.
Route53: My favorite person in your book is your cousin Dave, a totally selfless person (although I laughed at the halfway house he created for people and pets). Give Dave a big high five for me. He did more for you than most spouses do for their own loved ones who are suffering from cancer. He just seems to be a guy who puts everyone before himself. Tell us about Dave and the relationship you have with him. What makes him special in your mind that allows him to just give all he has to anyone. Were you two very close before the cancer arrived?
DW: Dave and I were close before my diagnosis. I always said we were part cousins, part brothers and part best friends. I can’t tell you what makes him tick, because honestly, most of the time I’m left scratching my head trying to figure him out. But the one steadfast quality he has, that everyone knows about, is that if you’re in need you can and should count on him.
Route53: Your second wife Amy is obviously a special person to you and helped you with much of the shaping of your life as it is today. My college roommate got married to his highschool sweetheart while he was suffering from cancer as well. If I could have changed one thing about your book, it is that you would have found Amy 5 years earlier. You talk about how Amy didn’t flinch when you told her about your cancer. Tell us what it is about her that is different from your first wife and your other relationship that you had during your battle with cancer. Perhaps Amy knew what she was signing up for in a relationship with you? Is it that she has dealt with cancer before? At the same time, what made you ready to let someone new close into your life at that point in time?
DW: Amy really is an incredible person. She has a heart of gold and simply loves to help other people. But the reason that she was able to stand by me, no matter what, is that she truly understands that none of us are guaranteed any amount of time in this life. Most people say things like, “well, you never know when you’re number will be up.” But I find that when push comes to shove, these same folks panic and cower in fear of death. Amy understands death and isn’t overly afraid of it. That being said, she maintains a healthy zest for life and we live each day to the fullest. Like Kenny Chesney said, “Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to go now!” 😉
Route53: We had the same issue as you with the psychiatrist. When my own wife chose to see a psychiatrist before her bilateral mastectomy, I asked if that doctor had gone through cancer and she hadn’t. At that time I told my wife I didn’t think she needed this woman’s advice. It was the first appointment I didn’t go to with my wife and she became so anxious after her visit that she had to start taking Ativan again. I just want you to know that you would make the perfect psychiatrist for cancer patients. Have you realized that you have become the answer for what you yourself needed? I noticed on another blog that you are continuing to help with Dr. Jeff’s patients.
DW: Actually, that’s a great way to put that. I do, now, know that the answers I need were inside of me all the time. I have simply learn to ask different questions of myself, thereby making the game of life a bit easier to win. And why wouldn’t we do it that way?
As for me becoming a therapist, I kinda already view myself as such, but in a very informal manner. I’m trained by life, and my advice is simple and hard hitting. In fact, this is the reason that I wrote my book. So that whomever needed or wanted to fully understand my story, could just pick up a copy and read it at their own pace. I’ve found most people have been reading it multiple times and gaining more perspectives from it each time.
Route53: Chapter 11 and the catchy title you give it was that rough point in your battle. In a way I looked at it as an almost necessary evil. My feeling is that everyone hits that point in their recovery. Maybe not as reckless as you became, but I’m sure there are people who can relate to that chapter in some small way. Like you I believe in experiential learning. I’m sure you got something positive out of that time of your life. Can you share with us what experiences or learnings you got out of that time of your life helped shape your philosphy today?
DW: I think the most important lessons I learned from that period of my life was to watch your emotions and actively managed them. It’s hard for me to really remember that time of my life and what I must have been feeling inside. I must have been very lonely. Fortunately now, I know that I’ll never end up in the place again.
Route53: You ask your readers to read Dr. Phil’s “Self Matters” and Rhonda Walker’s, “The Secret”. Do you have any other good inspirational books or articles that we should read? Have you be en inspired in your battle? If so, who has been your inspiration?
DW: I’d definitely recommend Anthony Robbins’ “Now Awaken the Giant Within.”
Route53: What have you personally gained from writing this book that you didn’t expect or maybe were not quite expecting?
DW: Great question Erik. Well I’d say the biggest surprise is my readers’ responses to it. I was hopeful that everyone would like the book, but the depth of the feedback I get is overwhelming at times. My book seems to touch people in a way that really makes a positive and LASTING impact on their lives. That’s an incredible feeling for me!
SUMMARY: If you want to purchase This Time’s A Charm, please go to: www.thistimesacharm.com I have personally purchased an additional copy for a friend and fellow parent who is similarly diagnosed to Donald. If you haven’t read the previous blog tour entries, follow this schedule:
“This Time’s a Charm” Cancer Blog Book Tour Schedule
I love the mornings! I clap my hands every morning and say, ‘This is gonna be a great day!’ – Dicky Fox from the movie, “Jerry Maguire”
I don’t know what it is about Spring. Maybe it’s the first glorious sunny day after day after day of rain a nd cold nights. Sometimes it isn’t even the sun. For me, I turned on my radio and hurt the soft and velvety voice of Jon Miller, the voice of the San Francisco Giants. Yes, Spring Training Baseball! When I hear his voice I can feel the armth of Phoenix coming from the radio and just hearing the simle crack of the bat and oohs and ahhs from the crowd put me in a whole different world. Growing up in San Francisco it used to be the grand fatherly tenor voice of Lon Simmons but Jon Miller has effectively taken over.
I listened to a casual baseball game on the internet as I worked yesterday. The score didn’t matter, but the chatter amongst the announcers about the weather, what they did in the off season somehow entertained me as I flew through my work and long after the game was over I found myself smiling as I completed task after task. It is a funny thing what the mind does when things seem bright and cheery! Every Spring people want to throw things out, put things behind them and just bloom like a new flower. I can’t say that I’m any different this year.
Baseball is America’s Past-time and many say it mirrors life more than any other sport. Everyone shows up in Arizona and Florida in the Spring with high expectations and hopes, but come Winter, only a few really stand tall. And then again each Spring it starts all over again. There has been history and pageantry and many children remember sitting there ata game with their parent in the warmer summer sun eating hot dogs and drinking soda while watching their heroes (Giants) battle their enemies (Dodgers). If you are lucky like me, you get to live your life near great men such as Willie Mays who as a black man in the 50s became friends with my Asian grandfather and the two of them would talk about being minorities in San Francisco. I still have my Willie Mays autographed baseball that he signed for me in the freezer of my granfather’s butcher shop and remember my grandfather with his hand on my shoulder saying how I just met a man with a strong internal fortitude that you will never see because of his pleasant exterior.
My grandfather was a tough man and not very nurturing (hard to do with 7 children, my mom being his only daughter). My own father tried his best to give his children all that he didn’t have. And he did. Baseball games, Foot ball games, Basketball games and just walks around the golf course to hit balls at the driving range are such vivid and pleasant memories. I cherish them and try to live them with my own children so that they will feel that same passion about those times when they are my age. I can remember every great sporting event I’ve been to and mostly remember those times with my father. I only wish he were still here today to enjoy them with me and my son.
My good friend, Dave, and I both talk about how we miss doing things with our dads and have told each other about those things we just “have to do” with our children some day. One of those things is to take our kids to Wrigley Field and watch a baseball game from the bleachers (that is where the sun is). We promised each other that if anything were to happen to us before we had the chance, we’d take the other person’s kids to Wrigley Field for a baseball game.
When I attended business school in Chicago, I took many night classes so I could attend games during the days. The friendly people and history around that park is great and a reflection of how baseball meets life. I love the Chicago Cubs and more importantly I love their fans. They are a group of people who follow their team despite 100s of years of despair. In a tough way, I hope they never win. They are truly “Loveable Losers” , but that is their mystique. You don’t have to win to be loved. You don’t always have to be the best. You just have to be real and people will feel for you.
One year I invited my dad out to watch a game with me. The Giants were in town to play the Cubs. It was Randy Myers poster day and we had the pleasure of sitting a few rows in front of Ronnie Woo Woo. If you don’t know who he is, you need to get to Wrigley while he is alive. no experience is complete for any baseball fan unless you’ve heard Ronnie. My dad was totally amused by Ronnie and the whole “Left Field, Right Field” chants. The Giants were losing 1-0 all day and in the 9th inning Randy Myers came in to save the game, which he promptly blew. Instantaneoudly 20,000 posters went flying onto the field from frustrated fans only they weren’t booing but laughing. I only wish I had had a camera that day to show the laughter on my dad’s face as he threw his poster at the right fielder. The table had turned, I was taking my dad to a game and giving him great memories.
My wife is giving me a kiss right now as she sends me off for a weekend of memories. Tonight I will be heading out for my annual weekend of golf and Spring Training in Arizona. Little sleep will be had, much red meat will be eaten, but most importanly hope will be renewed and smiles will be abundant.
A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you’ve been taking. ~ Earl Wilson, former MLB Pitcher
Sunset in the OC
Getting back to work even after just a short vacation is tough. Life these days in the mass communication, mobile, depressed economy world never lets you truly get away unless you make a strong conscious effort to leave behind the Blackberry, the computer, etc. I found myself on our vacation clearing out my email box every night. I just didn’t want to get back all stressed out from hundreds of emails.
Don’t get me wrong though. I don’t take lots of vacations and I probably take on more than I should, but these days it is hard to get away from work for long periods of time and especially in this economy, nobody wants to leave their job for too long. I did though enjoy the time with my family, especially my wife, to just get out of our house and put ourselves around different scenery. Disneyland and Universal Studios can’t be more different than work.
Getting back to work these days is tough. The economy has everyone up in arms. Our company has had its own layoffs (some just basic performance and others merger and re-organization related) but more than anything everyone is always concerned about what they would do if they lost their job. In this day and age most of us haven’t live through the Great Depression. In fact, most of us had parents who were only children during that time, so we are only living through a time that is nowhere near anything that our own parents have never seen. Or is it? During the Great Depression unemployment was over 23%. At the beginning of Reagan’s administration it was 7% and then now we are approaching 8%. The difference is that we are also dealing with a decreasing value of the wealth that has been accumulated as well as a lack of clarity on how we are getting out of this mess.
Even more worry is that I listened to our new President’s speech last night and I can’t say I’m as optimistic about what he had to say. I really don’t see how what he is saying is going to create jobs. I could see unemployment hitting 12%-15% before any kind of real job creation gets started. The people need more relief and the local governments need more support in getting relief to everyone.
For me, with two kids in private school, mortgage payments, upcoming tax filings (oh and the California government is bankrupt), and a shrinking 401K, I know I’m not that different from everyone out there who are just looking for a little breathing room. I also understand and can see how the government might feel like I don’t need any help. The uncertainty of the overall economy makes us all feel like we are one bad break away from a mini-disaster. I hear about people losing their jobs and homes all around me. I ran into an old boss the other day who runs the global financial industry practice for a major IT consulting firm and when I asked him how he was doing he said, “25% of my clients are going to jail, 25% have been laid off or shut down, and 25% are being nationalized, other than that, I just have to give a discount to the other 25% to make sure they keep me working”. Did I mention that this guy is one of the most optimistic people I know? Yes, he was smiling when he said that, but it still sunk in enough for me to write it here.
With all of this doom and gloom, I somehow went back to work and hit the road running. I felt like I had pulled into one of those small rest stops off the interstate for about 10 minutes, tanked up, took a cat nap and jumped back into Los Angeles rush hour traffic without using my turn signal! People were honking, giving me the finger and I was having to go faster than the speed limit in bumper to bumper traffic. One day back in the office with a quick update from my colleague about the things she needed me to fix and I was back on the road. Ironically it was only 30 miles from where I went on vacation. Orange County is one of those isolated places. A Republican stronghold in Democratic California, it is pristine, everyone looks great, and people there still smile and ask, “How are you?” and say, “Have a wonderful day!” Is this Stepford? I mean these people seem to not have a care in the world.
I needed to speak at a conference on the Web 2.0. Ironically these days I’m already thinking about Web 3.0. When I got back from vacation I found out that I inherited the work of a couple colleagues who are no longer with the company. My first thought was, “oh damn, now I need to start performing or I’m swimming with the fishes too!” Suddenly all the relief I got from vacation was coming back like a head rush. I didn’t pull an all-nighter, but close to it. I sat in my room all night working on several new projects, putting presentations together and drinking Pepsi. Early in the evening I did manage to take a swim in the hotel pool (my new favorite thing to do since a bathing suit is easier to pack than running shoes, shorts, shirt, iPod, etc.). I took the photo above of a beautiful sunset. it reminded me of Hawaii.
I somehow managed to get 3 hours of sleep, downed a cup of Starbucks and woke up a sleepy hungover crowd for an 8:30 am panel discussion. My all-night presentations seemed to be received well and I was back to work presenting my overnight work. Somehow those presentations seemed to be pointing people in the right direction too. Yeah, it was a productive night of work, but I sure hope that my road of life allows me to slow down again at some point. I miss smelling the roses.
Oh, and yes, I will be writing a review of the Marriott Newport Beach. A magnificent spot if I must say.
“Success can be measured by how much time your children want to spend with you when they grow up ” – CEO of unknown company
Universal Studios
I saw the quote above on a Starbucks cup while on vacation at Universal Studios the morning of the end of our vacation to Los Angeles. I showed it to my wife and we smiled. What parent doesn’t want their children to stay close when they get older.
While I really needed a break from the office for a week, my wife and I really wanted to reward our children with a vacation of their choice. After the trip my wife and I took to Vegas for Valentine’s, it was time to give our children their reward. Our children’s wonderful help during my wife’s surgeries was more than we could have asked for and they deserved this vacation more than their parents. At the same time, watching them smile and to relieve any stress in their lives is enough to make any parent happy. As a parent, my fear is that our children were seeing stress from the news of a bad economy and my wife’s illness and it was having an adverse affect on them emotionally and perhaps in a way that we couldn’t see. Fortunately their academics were excelling and their teachers were supportive and told us they are both doing well.
Living in the San Francisco Bay Area a 6 hour drive to Los Angeles is a very economical trip given the state of the US Economy. It also reminded me of our family visits to Disneyland. A 6 to 7 hour drive in a car can be quite a bonding time with a 9 and a 6 year old. Our highlight that made us chuckle was when our 9 year old shouted “240 miles to Los Angeles”. Our daughter asked how long it would take for us. My son responded that, ” if mom drives at 60 miles an hour it will take 4 hours and if dad drives 80 we’ll be there in 3 hours”. Our daughter then asked my mom when she was going to pull over to get some gas and let me drive. I just smiled, our children know us too well. At least our son knew his multiplication and we were going to go 6 hours without hearing the dreaded phrase “Are we there yet?”
The drive to and from Los Angeles along 1-5 is littered with memories for me from family vacations driving in my grandfather’s Cadillac with stops at the famous Andersen’s Pea Soup, the smelliest place on Earth, Harris Ranch, where you see steer for acres and as far as the eye can see, and the small farms towns which grow oranges, artichokes, apples and other food that feed our country. Our children stared out the window (when they weren’t figuring out how to solve Rubik’s Cube) and soaked in the geography. Letting your children experience new things and watching their minds churn with questions is such a rewarding time for a parent.
I always laugh at the Disneyland subtitle, “The Happiest Place on Earth”. I honestly see more crying and pushing among children than anywhere else. Fortunately we had a long talk in the car reminding our children as to why we were going on this trip and they responded like troopers even when the Los Angeles weather didn’t cooperate and stay above 70 degrees. We added one day at Universal Studios to our trip to show the children between reality and make believe. The Studio Tour was exactly what our children needed to see and they learned a lot. Heck, as parents we learned a lot as well. When we arrived home, all our children could think of doing was to write a play and stage it for us. Okay, so they aren’t the next Leonardo diCaprio or Kate Winslet, but it showed us they got something out of the vacation other than a bunch of amusement rides.
My only concern during the week was whether my wife’s body could handle the stress of being jerked around by some of the roller coaster rides, but she assured me on several occasions that she was okay. She was more scared than anything but our son wanted his mom to ride some of the faster rides and as parents we never want to show our children our fears that they might pick up unnecessarily. I was even surprised that she had never been in the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland!
Disney has also been hit by some recession as well as the discounted admissions (2 for 1’s) were all over the place. In Downtown Disney we counted seven vacant storefronts. At Universal Studios City Walk there were similar signs of the economic slowdown. The theme park seemed empty and was only open for 7 hours. We reminded our children how fortunate they are as we saw even fewer children at Universal Studios. It definitely sunk in and on the way home I had the best message. I heard from the back seat, “Dad?”
“Yes”, I replied to my daughter.
“”Thank you for this trip. We had a really fun time.” My wife and I just looked at each other once again. We are so lucky. Lucky that we could provide our children with a family vacation and lucky that we have children who appreciate the opportunity that they have.
Earlier when I was looking at a Disney shirt that said, “Grumpy”, my son told me I should buy the one that said, “Happy”. I told my son that sometimes I actually felt grumpy and he looked at me and said that wasn’t true and that I was usually happy. Well at least it was his perception and that was more important to me. I was hoping that all of the grief in our household had somehow put a damper on the mood, but our children seemed to be sheltered from it all.
Maybe we have left our hearts in the Happiest place on Earth until the next time we visit, but it is nice to know that our children find that our home isn’t that bad. Maybe it is the Second Happiest Place on Earth for our children.
