Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Learning to Let Go – Life is a Highway

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“Don’t worry, you just have to let go”

Every day we reach those milestones.  As parents we look for new ones every day. As caregivers we help people cross new paths.  Today was a simple one.  Just crossing the street. Yes, today our son crossed the street for the first time by himself.  As a parent I watched the whole thing and felt so proud.  Unfortunately my wife was not so happy.  I told her she was going to have to learn to let go and know that this was a great chance to learn especially under the watch of a parent.

Well this might seem trivial to some, but I think it is a learning experience for both me and my wife.  She has always been from a family that is very conservative and controlling.  It is a tendency she tries to avoid.  Although she admitted that what my son did was fine, she was still hyper-critical.  I reminded her of how her own parents invaded her life as she got into her 20s and how she hated it.  I told her she had better learn to let go before her children not tell her when they did something for fear of being nagged to death.  In  fact i reminded her that her our son is very similar to me and that I have been known to go my own way without telling my wife when I fear her overmanaging a situation.  I told her that I don’t want our children to be the same way.

I’ve been thinking about it and I myself have to learn to let go.  I have to stop treating my wife’s condition like she’s going to break.  Although I’m not blocking my wife from returning to normal.  I have been jumping to do things for her and need to let her get used to doing things on her own again.  I am preventing her healing process from accelerating.  Baby steps at first like crossing the street but I have to make sure she has that chance to spread her wings as wide as she feels comfortable.  I asked her if this was an issue and she said it wasn’t but understood how I was feeling and told me that she was okay and ready to get on with her recovery.

I GUESS LIFE GOES ON..at least for another couple weeks until her next surgery.  She did mention that she talked to another mom from the school who just found out that she has cancer too.  Turns out that she has the same surgeon that my wife and mother had.    Pretty small world and quite amazing.

Well that’s me.  Signing off and letting go.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

It Just Doesn’t Stop – A Loving Fight

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“Houston, we have lift off”

When my wife called to tell me that she had been called by the doctor with a date for swap-out surgery, I could hear the joy in her voice.  The fact that this was going to be the day for birthday all I could say was “Happy Birthday” and she giggled.  I was running the other night and realized that it had been two months since her surgery.  it seemed like ages ago when I was helping to strip her drains and bring her meals in bed.  Hearing her news I was ready to start thinking about life after cancer and was just thinking of jumping for joy.  It was a simple thing like when a rocket takes off into space and all the guys at NASA jump for joy over launching a space ship.  The tone of the conversation quickly dulled though when my wife told me that the mother of one of our son’s classmates was just diagnosed with breast cancer.

It hit me there.  This fight will never be over.  We are forever going to be meeting new comrades in arms.  It will be a daily reminder of how fortunate we are and how far we’ve come.

Oddly, someone asked me what I thought about the equal rights issues for the gay and lesbian community.  i told them I didn’t have much thought about it right now and they got mad.  I told them we all have out issues.  There are autoworkers who are going to lose their jobs, parents who have lost their children in a war, etc.  I just don’t know how people can be mad at others for putting their personal issues right now over other issues that many people are suffering with which are also equally important.

Back to my wife’s treatment, the next 5 years will be consumed by my wife receiving follow up therapy for her cancer.  Although very low on risk, my wife cares for our children and our family to want to do all that she can to beat this disease.

She has slowly taken herself off the Atavin and is getting off the Ibuprofen in preparation for her surgery.  She is back working on her consulting projects and although tired and taking mid-day naps, she has resumed most of her household duties although I still take the kids to school and do all the grocery shopping.  I watch her with the children and she is soaking in every moment cuddling with them at bedtime, reading as a guest reader in school, chaperoning on field trips, she has a renewed energy to consume life that I haven’t seen in a long time.

Yes, cancer is a Brave New World.

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As an aside I just passed my 1,000 mile mark for running this year.  And when I took my car in today, I realized I’d only driven my car 3,200 miles this year.  Not bad.  I guess you can say I’ve lived a pretty “green” life this year.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Power of Positive – Life is a Highway

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“I don’t want to be a Ee-yore”

I got back from my run tonight and realized that I am just short of 1,000 miles for the year.  Since I don’t run competitively anymore it really means 6500 minutes of thinking time.  Time to contemplate my life, my problems, my failures, my hopes and most importantly my solutions.

I’ve always thought that there has to be an answer to things.  Most importantly, there is an answer to sadness and failure.  You just have to think things out.  This weekend while seemingly normal (if you can call it that) It has been hard lately in our house.  It was a hard weekend emotionally as we had to revisit our situation.  Once the negative thoughts and comments creep in, it just changes the tone of our home.  I noticed my wife was raining on my parade a bit over the last week.  She’s always been the realist in our relationship while I have been the dreamer.  We have always worked hard to balance each other out without the expense of ruining the other person’s day.  This has changed though, recently, and we had to have a bit of a discussion to clear the air.  Lots of tears were shed.  Thoughts of frustration over the delay of surgery and the starting of Tamoxifen treatment had a greater change in outlook than expected.

I also realized that I was remaining distant.  It wasn’t because i was avioiding my wife but rather because she was pushing me away by not wanting to hear my opinion.  It is hard. You try to be selfish with your time, yet to be there for the other psrson.  I’m finding it hard to stay positive for the both of us when I’m tired and not feeling heard.

Last week our visit to the oncologist was long as usual.  I went along for support.  It had been a while since i had been back to the cancer clinic and although it is a pleasant place for a cancer clinic, it is a place where you lose your ability to control the situation.  The wait for our reknowned oncologist while waiting in an 8′ x 10′ foot room is always nerve-wracking.  It gave us time to communicate though.  I told my wife that although I was there to support her, the decision she made for her treatment was all hers.  I told her any kind of optional treatment that meant getting shots or inconveniencing myself were my deal breakers although that ahould not be method of reasoning.  She agreed and after listening to the fellow, she told me she was going to choose Tamoxifen with Ovarian suppression.    I told her I was definitely going to support her no matter what.  Well 10 minutes later and her oncologist walks in and convinces her to go with a bisphosphonate trial.

As we walked out, my wife said, “I know what you are thinking.”  I told her it was typical of her not going with my opinion and even worse not sticking with her own convictions.  I told her I was still okay with her choice, but I could tell she was frustrated with herself.  This carried into her negative thoughts and comments over the last few days.  She was frustrated in not being able to control things and that for once she was not able to do it her way or felt like she was just putting her life in the hands of another.

I told her that her concerns were legitimate and that she was just going to have to stick with her convictions or be more open to listening to others.  On the other hand I promised to not be so “darned positive”.

Well we should hear tomorrow when the next surgery will be.  That should help bury some of the frustration of not knowing and not being in charge.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Living in Limbo – The Highway of Life

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Is it making you laugh?  Is it making you cry? – Sugarland

Tomorrow is our follow up appointment with my wife’s oncologist.  I hope we can come to a decision on what we are doing going forward.  We really are in limbo here.  I feel as if we are being held captive by surgery dates, concerns about travel, medications, etc.  Holiday travel and just getting on with life and living it the way we’ve discussed is what we are looking forward to.  I’m already looking forward to taking her to see Elton John in Vegas for Valentine’s Day 2009.  Its one of those once in a lifetime shows that I think we need to see.  We just missed seeing James Brown last year and had tickets to see a show but he died.

As I mentioned in my last entry, this journey has really helped me to assess my love for my wife.  Each night when I run, I remind myself of all of our great memories and all the things I still want to do with her.  They say when you run, you can get a runner’s high.  Tonight was one of those nights.  I matched my highschool cross country times from over 20 years ago on our cross country course. I wasn’t even trying and I was a little shocked when I checked my watch.  It was a full minute faster than I’d been runing this month.  All I remember doing was listening some music by Sugarland and the next thing you know my run was over.  I barely even remember running up the steep hill near the end of my run.  I was listening so intently to the lyrics of one of their songs, I just lost track of my time.

Well eat your heart Dara Torres!  I too can do in my 40s what those half our age can do.  Now I just wish we could find the time to accomplish more in life.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Why the Analogy with Roads, Highways, Journeys, etc.?

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“Life is a Highway, I want to ride it all night long” – Rascal Flatts

People have emailed me and asked why I title many of my posts as Life is a Highway.  Well it is the name of a little song by a country band, Rascal Flatts.  I’m not a country enthusiast but I find the song catchy, uplifting and I found the lyrics to how I want to live life:

One of my main points that I live my life by is to enjoy the journey because sometimes no matter how great the reward is at the end, the effort and experience of getting there is more rewarding.  Whether it is driving across the country and enjoying the beautiful scenery, completing a huge task successfully with a group of people who show a great sense of teamwork, or fighting cancer and finding out who your friends really are, there are so many journeys that we all take each day.  The car, my car, Herbie, is also my vehicle that gets me around town.  to me there is no other car windshield that I ‘d rather watch people through as my journey crosses the streets of San Francisco each day.  I was lucky to be born in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and there is no use avoiding its rich culture and history.

Someone else asked me why I seem to write my updates late at night.  Well it is usually the first time all day that I take for myself and I often go running late at night.  It is so peaceful out and I run like I live my life.  I’ve always been a distance runner and when I run I love to soak in the surroundings.  I get to run two very beautiful streets at night which are now lined with holiday lights already.  Tonight I soaked in the crisp air, stared at the full moon through the branches, and window shopped along world famous Fillmore St. and Sacramento St. .  Window shopping is really cheap when all the stores are closed already.  Smelling the perfume of women walking home, men smelling like their fifth bourbon, and the smells of the fries from the Johnny Rockets burger joint all are spices of life that I soak in on my run each evening.

It’s not just my journey that I enjoy, but the journeys of others.

Why run?  Why run so late?  Running is for my life.  High Cholesterol runs in my family and I do it for me and my kids.  Blogging is for me and my kids too.  I was a terrible history student , but I do vow that I will not repeat my dad’s mistakes.   Although my dad was a wonderful dad, he kept his feelings to himself.  The stresses I think ultimately led to his heart attack.  Expressing myself is something I aim to do through my blogging.  My goal is to be there for my grandchildren.  I want to give back to them.  With our generation living longer than our ancestors ever did, I hope to be able to give to my grandchildren life lessons that my own father never got to provide to his own grandchildren.

I mentioned my wife’s cancer.  It has been a rough journey.  Someone asked me why I wouldn’t want to talk about such a horrible experience.  Well life has many bumps and we tend to suppress the bad memories and focus on the good ones.  For me this journey through cancer has been a great learning experience for me.  I’ve learned so much about myself, my love for my wife, and my respect for the limited time we have on this Earth.  I will never forget these days, the pain, the joys and the many people I may never see again.  And if I do, I can look back and hopefully see a person on these pages who has grown.

Alright, time to pull over and get some rest!

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Many Different Stories – One Destiny

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“We have so many different stories, and one single destiny”

When I went running tonight (it is usually where I do my thinking) I replayed this historic week and its place in history.  Our first President of ethnicity is one piece.  The way he was able to gain the support of the majority of our country in just 22 months with a grass roots campaign through modern communication techniques was brilliant yet a throwback to traditional ways of fundraising and campaigning. 

Whether you were for or against the President-elect I looked at it as a big time in our society and a great learning one.  I wasn’t alive for JFK or for MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech, I hear the stories of the many people who know where they were when they heard that speech.  I’m not sure, but I’m guessing Barack Obama’s “Yes We Can” speech will be one for the ages.

That is why I had my 9 year old son listen to both John McCain’s concession speech and Barack Obama’s victory speech with me.  My 6 year old daughter is too young.  While I know it might have been boring to an adult’s ear, I’m sure for a young kid that it might not have meant much.  I just wanted my son to remember sitting on the couch with his dad while he listened.  I told him that he didn’t need to remember the speech but to remember and take something from the speech.  When it was over, I asked him what he got out of it.  he mentioned the 100 year old lady who had seen a lot of change.  He then said, “We are country full of people with many stories, yet one destiny”.

I asked if he understood and he told me that like our family, we are four different people with different storied , but we do things together as a family.  Just like a team.  Kids are so great.  Their minds are clear and they help us see things in a different light.  I hadn’t even picked up that line until my son mentioned it.  Over the next several days I applied it on many different levels.  I applied it to Work, Family , and even my classmates that I saw at my 25th high school reunion.  The stories are diverse and should be celebrated.

Most importantly I thought about the many stories of the women such as my wife and mother who have battled or are battling cancer.  Their stories are varied yet all of these women have one destiny and that is to find the cure for and beat cancer.  Their stories have inspired me.  I was talking to my wife who told me that a mom wanted to interview her because she found my wife to be an inspiration.  While my wife does not find herself to be an inspiring figure, she was flattered and it made her feel good. 

I reminded my wife that change begins from within.  We recounted how my mother has changed in her fight over the last 5 years.  I told her that she shouldn’t passively be an inspiration, but to be a little more active in how she affects others.  We agreed that it is a time to say “Yes We Can” and I say that in a non-political way, but at an individual interest level. 

For me, as we approach this holiday season and I look forward to this work week, I will bring my own destiny and inspiration to my actions.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Hopes, Dreams, Fears – Life Is A Highway

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“Who’s Coming with Me?” – Jerry Maguire

My late night runs are not just about health and fitness.  Sometimes the runs are just a place for me to contemplate life and where it is taking me.  Usually it is about my dreams, hopes and fears.  My wife usually laughs at me because I come home sweating and also with a list of things that I think we should do or I’d like to do.

Fears – Right now I’m still fearing for my wife’s mortality.  I hope that she can get the next part of her surgery done.  She’s uncomfortable but not complaining.  The problem is we are stuck now as the doctors have her in limbo.  They say that getting time in the OR to complete surgery is going to take time.  We don’t have time as we’ve made lots of plans already  We’re all frustrated.  Tonight, just as I was about to go for a run I felt a twinge in my back.  There is a small lump on my hip (a hip pointer? cancer?)  Ackk, how can I even think of that?  I remember in college when my roommate died of cancer.  Every little bump on my body struck fear in me.  I have to check this out.  I fear leaving my children and wife alone.

Hopes and Dreams?  They all sit with my kids.  This week we elected our first black President.  To me, the President that our country was going to select was going to be a new direction no matter what.  As I went to the airport the day after the election, all I saw were smiling and hopeful faces.  People had hopes.  Very high hopes.  I’m sure those smiles might not have been as wide in some parts of the country, but I’m sure we are waiting for the next 8 weeks to move on and see what will happen.  My children are growing up in a great country and I want to give them every chance to laugh think and cry that I have. 

Again, as I ran tonight I dreamed.  Dreamed of traveling to far away places with my kids, dreamed of giving my daughter’s hand away in marriage, dreamed of attending a great sporting event with my son, and dreamed of seeing my wife happy and healthy.

Tomorrow is my highschool 25 year reunion.  My good friend said, well here we go down the second half of our life.  I told I don’t put my life in two halves.  I’m in my middle third.  The first third is growing, The second third is playing and the last third is reflecting and giving.  He laughed and said I was in denial.  I told him I was just living my life as I saw it.  I’m going to live my life as happily as I can.  Anyone coming with me?

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Scarred & Healing – A Loving Fight

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Music can lift us out of depression or move us to tears – it is a remedy, a tonic, orange juice for the ear. But for many of my neurological patients, music is even more – it can provide access, even when no medication can, to movement, to speech, to life. For them, music is not a luxury, but a necessity.
 
— Oliver Sacks
Neurologist and author of The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat and Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain

The above quote was on my Starbucks cup of coffee this afternoon.  It seems appropriate given the feeling my wife had after the Madonna concert this past weekend.  The music inspired her to take action. 

She is getting impatient though.  Her exchange surgery has been delayed and she doesn’t seem to be getting a response.    I know she wants to get the expanders removed ASAP.  She has seen that her initial scars from the surgery have already healed. She is already started to lessen her medication and is now ready for the final removal if we can get a date for the final exchange.  Once again the waiting game is affecting us.

Her strength those is inspiring me.  I am so impressed by her ability to move forward.  Her ability to manage the kids, her job, the house, our crazy family schedule and her own illness is something I am unable to feel or understand.  All I can do is give her my undying support and make her feel loved and appreciated.  It is all I’ve got.  I wish I could do more.  Right now though I know she also wants and needs her parents and i need them to understand that they can’t wait for her to ask for them but rather for them to show their unrequested support.  It will only help in her healing process.  The scars are there, but the pain and feeling of hope will make her feel better

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Trick or Treat & The Material Girl – Life is a Highway

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“Dream as if you’ll live forever, Live as if you’ll die tomorrow” – James Dean

I watched our kids count up thier candy tomorrow and it can only warm a parent’s heart to hear them not fight and to see our oldest combine his candy with the younger child’s smaller batch and agree to share the candy evenly without even asking.  You wonder if society would be better off if we left it up to the kids.

I’m not considered calendar wise to be a “Baby Boomer” but I’m just on the edge.  They say as a whole that this generation will not do as well as their parents.  I agree.  I’m even more worried about my children’s generation.  How will they succeed?  How do we give them a chance?  With the financial markets seeing one of the biggest drops in history, we are learning to guard our pennies yet enjoy life as best we can.

Back on the Adult Front, my wife is feeling better.  We went to see the Material Girl (Madonna).  I was so worried about her getting bumped into or jostled around.  I was surprised to see her able to jump around and dance so freely.  It was a good test event for getting out.  She was still tired, but it felt good to be a couple again and to get out and feel like we haven’t lost a step.  Psychologically, it was also a big move for me too.  While we don’t always agree with her messages, there were some great personal messages.  We didn’t take her messages although very political in that way.  My wife told me afterwards that she saw the the message and took it personally:

  • Get Up
  • Time Is Now
  • If you Wait it will be too late
  • Your Choice
  • Your World
  • Your Life

Here is the link to the backgroung video of her concert.  Please again ignore the political message and think about it as a Take Charge of Your Life message: MADONNA BACKGROUND VIDEO

I have to admit at looking back at it, it sure is inspirational….to all of you out there looking for a reason to get up and take action, I sure hope you all find that motivation.  I am so glad my wife has found one for now.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Remembering to Smell the Roses

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“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy.  They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom” – Proust

Today’s quote was in a card we got from the family of one our kid’s schoolmates.  This family lost their mother this past summer after a 6 year battle with breast cancer.  She was only 39.  This means she was only 33 when diagnosed and by then it was too late.  They say women she start getting yearly mammograms around ages 35-40.  They should start getting them earlier than that.  And even then mammograms aren’t always helpful.

The card hit me particularly hard.  It was sent from the father and the two sons.  When I think how close I was to that being me I just couldn’t focus all weekend.  I just can’t imagine what it is like to be a young father and having to raise two children on my own.  I remember when I would go the funerals of the fathers of my friends and cousins I would cry for them and for me.  I knew it would hurt the day I lost my own dad.  When it did happen to me I wasn’t able to cry.  it came out slowly over several years.  Now every time I see a parent die prematurely I will cry for those children, but when it happens to me I obviously won’t be able to cry.

This morning I had an early morning meeting with a potential partner.  When the meeting started the San Francisco weather was its usual overacast and fog.  When I came out it was beautifully sunny.  After dropping my colleagues at the airport I was hungry.  Of course in these recession times I figured some dim sum from San Francisco’s Clement St. would make a nice cheap lunch and I’d see if my wife could meet me at home since it was on the way back.  I remember those old movies when the husband would come home for lunch.  I knew she was lonely at home and I just needed to see her.  You don’t get to do this often.  This past weekend we went on our first real night out since her surgery.  Of course all we did on our first night without the kids was talk about the kids and go grocery shopping.

This time although it was just a 25 minute lunch, it seemed more special since it was spontaneous.  We felt like we were stealing time together after all these years.  it does take moments like this that help you to smell the roses.  We didn’t have to say to each other how nice it was to eat a lunch together on a Monday.  It was just understood. 

More moments like this are needed in our daily lives.  Smelling the Roses opens the senses, makes you smile, and reminds you why you give the maximum effort each day.  We should all try to be a chraming gardener to make the souls of others blossom in their moment of need.