You make me want to lose myself in the mysterious distance between a man and a woman – U2 (A Man and a Woman)
Blossoms at Yerba Buena Gardens
The skies were dark and ominous this morning as I drove to work. As it started to sprinkle I noticed the trees along the sidewalks had started to bloom. The cherry blossoms along Japantown looked gorgeous and popped against the gray skies. They had a strong glow about them. Maybe they had been glowing for a couple weeks and I hadn’t noticed them until we got our first storm clouds of the year. It is amazing how such beauty shines through even more at the darkest of times.
These are curious times in the economy and everyone seems to be more on edge than normal. You might say there are dark clouds everywhere, and not just in the sky. I even overheard a homeless man here in San Francisco today tell a lady that he was better off than her because he didn’t have a mortgage or rent to pay. So true that we should get heckled by homeless people now. My own company has had layoffs and no matter who you are these days, people are worried abour their jobs. I hear it, see it and feel it. Even though I had an outstanding year there was still a nervousness going over my weekly call. In reality, I had nothing to worry about, but in these times you never know (and one of my colleagues was actually let go today).
Despite all of this I still manage to slow down and smell the roses. Or in this case I was looking for the analogy to my drive to work. Was I capable of finding the cherry blossoms in my life against the dark sky? It made me think about some of the stories I’ve read recently as well as my own. The story of Chad Moutray and his daughter who now must move on with each other and their memories of their wife and mother. They are each other’s cherry blossoms. Last year despite all of the surgeries and doctor’s appointments, my wife’s beauty just showed brighter than ever to me. I don’t think it has shone brighter and it has been there all the time. We’ve known each otherfor over half our lives, but sometimes the dust gathers like it does on a lightbulb and you need to wipe it off and you suddenly realize that 60-watt light bulb is really 100 watts. I think in hard times like this the dust comes flying off and that dark room is radiated by the beauty that exists.
My wife had her oncology appointment and monthly shot today. It was a little painful this time she relayed to me. The O/S pellet they shoot in to here is something she’ll have to get used to and hopefully the side effects will lessen. The wait is still what kills her as they were running 2 hours late. Good thing I gave her a bunch of magazines for the waiting room. There were no reports on her ability to metabolize Tamoxifen yet, but the side effects seem to indicate that she is okay with Tamoixfen and her cholesterol seems to be declining. My wife loves to go into details running through her lab reports and every last minute of conversation she had with her nurses. I laugh at her that it is more painful to me to hear her detailed reenactments of the day than to get a needle poked into me. Listening to her get a shot is almost as bad for a guy like me who is squeamish about needles.
The day before, she had her meeting with her plastic surgeon to go over any adjustments she is going to need in March. It was one of the appointments I missed because I was traveling. Of course she forgot to mention the ONE thing I wanted her to speak about and we laughed. Same old wife…she doesn’t listen to her husband. Maybe that is what keeps her young!
In the end, the day came out beautiful. I was able to get home and see my kids for the first time in a few days. Additionally despite the very mundane conversation I had a chance to spend some time with my cherry blossom in my life.
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
— Winston Churchill
The Santa Monica Boardwalk this evening
I have always sought inspiration through true life stories. I guess I never thought it would come from my life partner.
Those who know me and see me every day will tell you that over the past year I’ve lost over 10 pounds, ran over 1200 miles last year and can run a 5k faster than I did 20+ years ago when I was in highschool and college. That might seem trivial to those who exercise daily, but ever since I’ve graduated from high school I never had the drive for long periods of time to work out religiously and take care of myself. Why now? How do you find that kind of drive?
Last year when my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer I was down, but my wife told me to make sure I kept running. The week after she was diagnosed I remember watching Forrest Gump with my children and there is this scene where his love, Jenny tells him, “If you ever get in trouble, don’t try and be brave. Just run.” There is a scene where Forrest doesn’t know what to do and starts running. I’ve been doing the same, although I ran with purpose. My wife is my inspiration.
We all get inspired by bigger than life stories. The pilot who saved 155 people by landing his plane in the Hudson, the new President who is breaking many barriers, the man who risked his life to save an unconscious mom and her two toddlers from a burning home, etc. Sometimes we see movies like the first one I ever saw called “Brian’s Song” that had cancer involved and get inspired for the moment or for a period of time.
But when we live with someone who inspires you on a daily basis it changes you. My wife has to take pills every day, get shots once a month and every day think that there still might be a cancer in her body that might come back to haunt her. Yet every day, she kisses me, makes breakfast, smiles and goes about her work. All those pills, shots and everyday worries are not something she shares with me unless I ask. I don’t ask because I want her to feel like life is as normal as can be as that is the way she wants to live it every once in a while. She wants to put away that she is a Cancer Survivor. She doesn’t want to be treated like she’s handicapped. How can you not be inspired when the person who shares a bed with you every night does so with smile on her face. She’s had two surgeries and is staring a third in the face, yet she is wanting to bring it on. She’s had 14 hours of anaesthesia in less than 6 months. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have those hours missing from my memory.
The other night she caught me staring at her sleeping before I went to bed. I wanted to soak in her peacefulness, her beauty and my appreciation for her to still be with me and our children. She asked me if anything was wrong and I just smiled and she gave me that knowing kiss that all wives will give when they know you appreciate them. It’s the same kiss you get when you stand before all your friends and family the day you get married and state your love for each other.
Today I am off away on business again. Away from my family. It hurts to be away knowing my wife is still not 100% yet, but she’d not want it any other way. Tonight I had a chance to visit the Santa Monica Boardwalk (see photo). I told my business partner (no offense) that I wished it was my wife with me instead. She deserved this sunset on this beautiful evening more than I did.
Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.
Albert Einstein
The quote above to me is so poignant. I truly believe though that it must become second nature to be a man or woman of value and you need to instill that from within.
I still remember the day that I almost lost my dad back in July of 1996. He suffered a heart attack and his heart stopped beating, but the doorman at the Fairmont Hotel broke into his car and started his heart beating. My father remained in a coma for two weeks (yes during the Atlanta Olympic Games) before coming out of it. My father suffered some brain damage (loss of oxygen to the brain) which caused him the loss of short term memory and often caused him to lose orientation of what year it was. It was almost like Alzheimers except some new memories were created and he only forgot the things that didn’t matter to him.
My mother refused to put him in a home and acted as his primary caregiver for the next 10 years. Although he was never the same person again, I am so happy that his near death kick-started me into having a family and grandchildren that he got to meet and know. He continued to to teach me new lessons even then.
One of those was that my dad lost his ability filter his thoughts. He did not hold back his feelings about things, people or situations. Just imagine if you just started telling everyone what you thought of them. Well, my dad was pure. He smiled at people he didn’t recognize and even at people I thought he didn’t care for. Later I would ask who they were and he said, “I thought you knew”. When my mom would drag him to flower shows I’d ask him how it was. He’d say it was really boring but my mom seemed to enjoy it. He never had a bad thing to say. He was just naturally a positive and gentle person. His illness was a truth serum that some couldn’t handle. We saw others with the same problem who became vicious towards family and friends. An old co-worker of his pulled me aside at his Life Celebration and said, “I knew your dad didn’t recognize me, but that twinkle in his eye and his smile were still the same. He made even strangers feel special.”
It really taught me to seek the kindness in others and to see things first with an eye towards the positive. We are often taught to be protective and cautious and I realize that can really hide the opportunities that you might be offered. There are never enough favors that you can give or thank yous that you can say. My dad was definitely a man of value. A man who valued the relationships and loves in his life so much that it was instinctive.
After a while it should just come naturally. I often hear about how people say how hard it must have been to take care of my wife during those days after surgery and those long weeks of waiting. I think my love for my wife made me her natural caregiver. I knew that it was just the thing to do. Put my fears and hopes aside to be all that I could for my wife. I think having been a caregiver for my dad those years, watching my mother care for her husband (yes they argued, but they loved each other), and then caring for my mother during her cancer gave me a little headstart in caregiving, but not much. The most inspiration though came from the relationship, the strong relationship, I have with my wife. They say your true colors come out when you have times of crisis. I think I showed myself my own true colors and I’m proud of what I saw.
I mention this because in the book I read, My Life with Laura, my friend Chad showed his true colors as well. Although he had only known his wife a few short years, his dedication showed the love of a lifetime. I have read stories about those who don’t get support from their husbands or family members during these times and I think that might just show a crack in the armour that had been there already. My wife and I have a few cracks especially when it comes to communication. And it definitely showed a bit when we had some intense moments, but our love was and is strong.
I know I’ve written about this before in bits and pieces, but I have to repeat these mantras occasionally. I listened to our new President’s speech about strength and fortitude and the need to test ourselves in the worst of times. Now is when I really am testing myself. I already see these next several months are going to be tough on me for different reasons than health.
In the end I just need to make sure that I find myself as a person of value and to instill that upon my life on a daily basis.
Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Author Chad Moutray and his daughter Charlotte
I am proud today to host Chad Moutray, author of My Life With Laura: A Love Story, on my blog today. Chad is on a blog book tour to promote his book and this is his 6th stop to spend some time discussing his book. While the book details his courtship, wedding, family and then their battle with his wife’s breast cancer, I am going to focus on his efforts as a male caregiver as I am the only male on his book tour and I hope to shed some insight on “the other half” of breast cancer.
I’ve always said, Route 53 is a blog of my journey through life and while I say each of us has our own journey, we often run parallel with others for part of that road. Some of us drive fast along that road and others a little slower. These roads are what I call life stages and are created by life events. Chad and I have separately shared a life event as both of us became caregivers for our wives who had/have breast cancer. Unfortunately breast cancer seems to be all around us these days days (statistics say 1 in 8 U.S. women will have breast cancer in their lifetime). You might think nothing of it, but in Chad, I found someone who not only went the extra mile for his wife, but truly lays his soul out there for everyone to read in his book. Sadly, the book does not end happily as Chad’s wife lost a valiant battle.
In his book, Chad provides us with the often forgotten perspective on not only the fight against breast cancer, but the emotions surrounding the co-survivor or surviving spouse. As I read the book, I had to read it away from my wife as it was so easy to put myself in Chad’s shoes. His story could very easily have been my own. I hope that other men read it and think of how they would react or want to react if they were put in Chad’s shoes. Below is my interview with Chad about his book:
Route53: Chad, we’ve shared some chats and emails in recent months. I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but first let me say that I didn’t know Laura, but have met many “Laura and Chads” over the past several months and am sorry about the loss of your wife and Charlotte’s mother.
Chad Moutray: Yes, sadly, there are too many people in our same situation. That is why I think that this book has been so well received. Thank you for your condolences for Laura’s passing.
Route53: Let’s first talk about the inspiration for the book. I know you say that this book was written for your daughter Charlotte so that she could read about her mom before the memories faded and maybe got a little distorted. As I read the book, I couldn’t help but see another purpose. This book was written for many and not just Charlotte. I read it as a place to put all your love and memories in a safe place so that you could move on. Maybe in a cathartic way. How much of this book would you say today (besides Charlotte) is this book for you, for others fighting the battle against cancer, for her family, and for her friends?
Chad Moutray: My original thoughts for the book were to help Charlotte better know her mother. In fact, the book in dedicated to her, who was two-years-old at the time that I started writing. (She is now almost four.) But after I started writing, several friends and family members told me that they wanted to read my book when it was finished. I had a log of pent-up demand, each of whom was anxious for my to publish my memoir so that they could read it. In that way, I began writing the book knowing that it could be read by many people, some of whom I did not know. Since its release, I have been proud of the fact that so many people have appreciated the book and have been inspired by Laura’s strength and faith in battling her breast cancer. Yes, I found that writing the book was therapeutic for me. In the months after Laura’s death, it gave me a project to work on during those quiet moments in the house. It also allowed me to reflect on the times that I spent with Laura, both good and bad, and more importantly, it provided me a forum to put my thoughts on paper. I would encourage anyone going through a loss to start writing, whether they make their words public or not.
Route53: For me, the hardest part of the book was reading Laura’s journal entry to you and about what she wanted for you and Charlotte. My wife felt close to doing the same thing so I felt like I was reading my wife’s own letter. When did you first read that entry and how much does it enter your mind to this day?
Chad Moutray: Men, of course, are taught to never read their girlfriend’s or wife’s journal, and I did not open them until after Laura’s death. I was surprised by many of her entries. She expressed her thoughts on daily life, her frustrations with motherhood and then in battling breast cancer, and her religious inspirations. Some of these entries were difficult for me to read. I was particularly touched by the letter that you cite, but mostly, I was surprised at its timing. She wrote about her desires for Charlotte and me after her death … but it was written over one year before she passed away at a time when the thought of this was far from most of our minds. While I did not read this letter until later, much of it sounded familiar, as she and I had discussed some of it in the months before her death.
Route53: Every woman who finds out she has breast cancer remembers the phone call or the doctor giving the diagnosis. I think husbands do remember too. I know I do and I know you do. I often get women who write me saying they wish their husband was as supportive and I always think that the moment you hear is when you know how you will be. You and I both took that step forward instead of back To what do you attribute your strength in the face of Laura’s battle with cancer? What made you the supporting husband that you were?
Chad Moutray: I would refer to two things. First, I remember my grandfather growing up. My grandma had a number of heart attacks and was often hospitalized. He remained a beacon of strength throughout her ordeals (despite the fact that she survives him by almost thirty years), and it left an indelible imprint for me on the role of the “man” in such situations. You are to be a “rock” – someone who everyone looks to for support. You can see much of this in my actions during this time. In public and in front of Laura, I was that “rock” even when I was privately hurting inside. Second, like Laura, I relied more and more on my faith, growing more spiritual as time progressed.
Route53: What would you say Laura’s battle with cancer taught you about yourself? Has it changed you or your actions at all?
Chad Moutray: It changed me forever. I am a different person today than before. Yes, life goes on, and it has for me. But, I have a different outlook, and I feel compelled to “give back” to the many people who were so helpful to us during our struggle. In some ways, the book also is my expression of this. I tried to write an honest book that showed the true challenges of battling cancer, and in that way, it appears to have helped or inspired some of the cancer families who have read it.
Route53: You mentioned that you hid your fears from Laura and when you did open up, she tried to protect you. I found the same with my wife. According to a US News and World Report story, they say the men who are successful in coping as breast cancer caregivers for their wife do two things: 1) Rather than try to be “fixers”, they lend an ear to help with coping and 2) They share everything together. What are your thoughts on that?
Chad Moutray: As the “rock” that I mentioned earlier, I never let Laura see my emotions. In hindsight, that was probably a mistake. Laura would have preferred that I had expressed myself more to her. Had I done that sooner, she might not have tried to protect me later.
Route53: As Laura’s primary caregiver, what were your main resources of information about Breast Cancer that you think would be helpful for other spouses?
Chad Moutray: I relied on information from books, handouts, and the Internet. Laura, to be honest, relied on these sources even more than I did. But, my most important source of information was the doctors themselves. I tried to go to as many of the doctors visits as I could. This allowed me to show my support for Laura, but it also ensured that I knew as much about her treatments and progress as she did. Sometimes, the doctors provided an enormous amount of information during a short visit, and she would often comment that it was good to have two sets of ears listening to it.
Route53: If you could pick one thing, what did someone do specifically for you, the caregiver, to help you through the year and half fight against breast cancer?
Chad Moutray: We had tremendous support from family and friends. Our church, for instance, was always there providing meals, rides, care for Charlotte, or someone to talk to. I cannot see how we would have been able to do all that we did without this support. In later months, we relied on lotsahelpinghands.com to post our needs, get volunteers, and communicate Laura’s progress. This was a godsend which helped ease the burden of caring for Laura at a time when her health continued to deteriorate.
Route53: When I read the book, I was amazed at all that you accomplished in just a year and half of cancer in your lives. Can you point to one moment or thing that you did that made you feel that you made Laura’s last days on this Earth richer and less painful?
Chad Moutray: Laura did not let cancer stop her from doing things, and our oncologist supported her in this. We went on a number of vacations, including to Aruba and two other beach trips in the summer of 2007. These trips were a lot of fun, and Laura looked forward to each one. She was also the type who put things on the calendar hoping that we might go to them. One of those was a wine tasting event at Mt. Vernon, George Washington’s home, in the fall of 2007. By that point, Laura was in a wheelchair, but she still wanted to go; we went on a double-date with another couple. It was our last date together, but one that I will never forget. (This story is not in the book.) She clearly life to the end.
Route53: Sometimes “bad husbands” who abandon their wives when they can’t handle the stress give men a bad name in the fight against breast cancer. Actually a 1999 Canadian Study called, “Marital Stability After Breast Cancer” found that there was no difference in divorce rates and separation when looking at similar groups of men with wives who had breast cancer and those who did not. Stories like yours obviously give men a better reputation. If you could give advice to other men (and wives) out there who are going through rough times in their battle, what would you tell them?
Chad Moutray: Life does not always go according to plan, and it is easy to say the cliche, “That is not what I signed up for” and call it quits. Laura and I met, fell in love, got married, and had a child; it was the typical life plan. But, then it changed, and life became difficult. Many of our friends went on to have second or even third babies, and Laura was secretly jealous of them. Cancer was not what she signed up for either. We were a young couple and kept hoping for a miracle. When things deteriorated, it was not easy; I prayed for patience, and I was stretched thin. To be honest, though, I never considered abandoning Laura. After she passed away, several women came up to me and told me how impressed they were that I stayed with Laura until the end. The comment surprised me. I loved my wife, and Laura and Charlotte needed me too much.
Route53: Last, please give us an update on Charlotte and your state of mind. Have you fully been able to move on? Now that it has been over a year, have you seen any emotional scars for Charlotte?
Chad Moutray: Laura will always be in my mind. Charlotte will guarantee that; in addition to being Laura’s daughter, she looks exactly like Laura. Such a constant reminder makes it difficult at times. Yet, life moves on. Writing the book helped a lot, and after several months, I began to date again. This was awkward at first, but easier now. It helped that Laura was so insistent that I move on and find someone nice to help raise Charlotte (even to the point of trying to set me up); the fact that she said this to so many people made it easier for others to accept my dating, as well. As far as Charlotte, she is adjusting to full-time daycare and is doing okay. She still talks about her mother and can tell you that her mother died from cancer … but has no idea what cancer is. Someday, I hope that she enjoys my book and learns about how fun her mother was and how strong she was.
Route53: Chad, once again, thank you, Laura, and Charlotte for sharing your story with all of us. I know that I have found much empathy and inspiration from your story. Chad’s book can be purchased here: http://www.lulu.com/content/1828195
Please continue to follow the blog book tour by following this link to the schedule:
Every book means something different for each person. Although my wife suffers from breast cancer, I read it as a love story. Even the parts about cancer were about love for me. Below is an excerpt from an email I shared with Chad after finishing his book. I hope you all find his book as inspiring as it was for me:
I just wanted to let you know that I finished the book. I admit that I did not feel comfortable reading anything after your eulogy as those letters I feel are words for Charlotte. I have to say that the book read faster for me once I got to her part with cancer. Perhaps it was that it was all so familiar to me. My feelings were similar to yours in many ways and reading her journal entry to you was tough for me. I hope you don’t mind , but I have discussed your book with the husband’s group at our clinic as you have gone through and they are experiencing many things that I did not have to endure. I’m also going to pass the book along to one of the fathers at our school who lost his wife at the beginning of the school year leaving he and his two young sons behind.
Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get — only what you are expecting to give — which is everything. What you will receive in return varies. But it really has no connection with what you give. You give because you love and cannot help giving. – Katherine Hepburn
I found the quote above on a site about Spousal Caregiving and it really hit home. We’re done with all the surgeries yet this week my wife had three days in the hospital and if you thought the waiting was excruciating before and during the surgeries, it is only worse now. I guess it is like they say about Chinese Restaurants. You know it is good and authentic if Chinese people work there and it is busy and filled with Chinese people. I think the same goes with a breast cancer clinic. If you have to wait hours even if you have an appointment, then your doctor must be real good.
Last night my wife spent 4 hours at the hospital for a shot, a visit with the nurse practitioner to go over her side effects from her clinical trial, and then to visit with her rock star oncologist. You are wondering why? Well the reason is that she spends so much time caring and listening to each patient that she does fall behind that most people understand. Today was a follow up meeting with the plastic surgeon. My wife has some nip-tuck things she wanted to have taken care of he took a look. and told her to book some time. We checked his schedule but we’re talking about mid-April!! Well his wonderful nurse said to book a time but if we could do something on four days notice, we could get something done pretty quick if we just sit on stand-by.
My travel schedule looks crazy already this year and I just hate being away from my family, especially now. Today was the first day that I had to watch my son practice his basketball. He’s good at it. Not great, but the joy on his face is all that I care about. I drove him home and started to talk about how he could be better, but realized that telling a kid on a Friday afternoon about the nuances of practicing hard and being a floor leader were just not something he wanted to hear. I chuckled at myself, “Come on dad, it’s just practice”. I was just trying to make up for my missing his first game of the season as well as his favorite thing…the annual Little League Skills Assessment Day. Last year I was so nervous watching him that my stomach was in knots. All these men with clipboards and stopwatches taking notes on my 8 year old, 55 pound kid as if he was some kind of bonus baby. Well he did well enough to be put in the elite group where they take the top kids and spread them evenly so no one team is overly loaded with skilled players. This year my wife gets the fun duty. It did feel good though to spend some time alone with my son.
Despite the stress of today’s waiting at the hospital we were able to have an early dinner as my daughter was requesting some family time. Fortunately my flight was late and we could squeeze it in (amazing as I still only arrived at the airport 40 minutes before my flight on a Friday night). My daughter has such a nurturing nature about her for a 6 year old. She loves her older brother and she is always looking after her mom and telling me when she is doing something that she doesn’t think my wife should be doing (yes, she is a bit of a tattle tale in that way). She cares deeply and is sensitive to the fabric of our little quadrangle of a family.
I guess Katherine Hepburn was right…..you do what you do when you truly care.
I did buy some tickets for Valentine’s Day for the two of us. Hopefully my mom won’t mind having her grandchildren over as her Valentine’s. I really need to get my wife alone and see her have that smile back on her face. When we lived in the New York Metro area, Valentine’s was a big day when I courted her. We usually planned one big meal where we would eat at a top 20 NYC restaurant. I remember those Valentine’s Days 20 years later! We’d have to make a reservation before Thanksgiving to get any of our choice restaurants in NYC. Ah…to be young again….
I did pick up the Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama at the airport tonight. I was curious. It almost reads a little too highbrow like a lawyer wrote it. I’m sure the intellectual Democrats follow it, but I’m not sure if the average joe on the street Democrat would really follow. I’m not big on politics personally as I feel like it is a topic that divides and not brings people together so you might not see much about my political opinions here…and that is a good thing.
The source of all life and knowledge is in man and woman, and the source of all living is in the interchange and the meeting and mingling of these two: man-life and woman-life, man-knowledge and woman-knowledge, man-being and woman-being. – D. H. Lawrence (1885-1930) English writer
I hinted at this yesterday but it has been beating on my mind all day. When I retraced my steps over the last several months I looked back and wonder how I made it with my senses still intact.
Let me first say that what the men go through when their wives have breast cancer is nothing compared to what their wives or mothers or daughters will experience, but I believe the life partners (I’m mostly talking about husbands) are a critical part of the management when cancer enters a woman’s life. There is no doubt that men get a bad rap about how we react when our loved one tells us that she has cancer in a part of her body that is such an intimate part of our physical relationship. But aside from where it is located, we just aren’t ready for cancer period. Even if we men were better prepared, all it takes is one bad apple to spoil the cart and our reputation as a group would be back out curbside.
I’m not saying we men are the fairer sex. Heck no. We definitely have a few (make that many) flaws. That’s why we love women so much!
What I am saying is that while my wife came home with packets of information and videos, there was nothing for me. Not a word of guidance. I spent hours taking notes at each doctors visit, I ended up having to do lots of research and looking to other women and their spouses for what to do and more importanly what not to do. Its harder than you think. I don’t even think that my wife’s surgeon shook my hand the first time we met. Mind you she is a wonderful lady and we have a great relationship, but I don’t know if the doctors know what to do when the spouse shows up. Rightly so, they spend all the time talking to our wives. They need tools to give us. I don’t need much. All I needed was a one pager. Something that said, the best thing you could do right now is hold your wife’s hand.
Well I gathered a lot of information. Unfortunately I found some good resources after the fact, but I saved them. I have links to most of them in the Cancer Resource Links in the right column of this blog. So if you’ve just found this, take a look at these links specifcally for men. Some come from friends I’ve met and others from research I’ve done:
If you’re going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill
Before I begin my post for today I want to thank Stacy from FightPink.org. Stacy was kind enough to post my original three blog posts on her site in the co-survivor section of her website. I hadn’t read them in a while and it seems like years ago since I wrote them, but I’m glad she found them and felt they were worthy of posting. I hope someone finds them useful.
I also want to make sure anyone who reads this post to come back here on January 19th, Martin Luther King Day. I will be hosting an interview on the Blog Tour for Chad Moutray’s book, My Life with Laura – A Love Story. It is a love story which ends sadly when Chad and his wife lose their battle with breast cancer. Chad is having a blog tour about his book and several of us have read it. I encourage you to follow the different dates on his two week tour of many different blogs. Here is a link to his schedule:
Today flew by for me, but I can say it was a full day of thinking, laughing, and eight glasses of water to fight my voice which is pretty weak right now. I received an email that made me laugh. The person asked me why I was posting “Celebrity Sightings” on my Cancer Blog! Yes, my life is moving in a different direction. Cancer still stares us in the face and will occasionally be on topic for the next several years as my wife faces her post-cancer trials and therapy.
In fact as I worked up some interview questions for Chad, I was thinking about the predicament that many men are put in when their wives discover they have breast cancer. We have to be strong, silent, empathetic, and unselfish all at once. Some of us have not even had practice at one of those things. That does not even begin to talk about the tasks that we need to serve as cook, provider, chief information officer, Florence Nightengale, joe the plumber and many other things I can’t remember. Let’s face it, men just don’t have a good rap as caregivers. When I was faced with those many hours sitting in the waiting room, I hated being the only husband sitting in the room with a young wife. Where were the other husbands? Face it, the waiting room of a breast cancer clinic was no place for a man. All those glamour and cooking magazines. I was left to read last year’s ESPN Spring Training Preview where they picked the Detroit Tigers to win it all (boy were they wrong). I started bringing in more current magazines on business, sports, photography, and travel. By the time my father-in-law made it to his first and only visit with his daughter to the doctor (5 months after her original diagnosis) , all he could tell me about was the marvelous skiing magazines they had. My wife and I could only smile.
In those hours of waiting, I did discover the bulletin board which was full of community groups to help with coping. I wandered around the Clinic’s Cancer Resource Center which was helpful and I met a few men and befriended a few sharing stories about our wife’s situation then asking if we knew the score from last night’s basketball game.
What I realize was missing when I was working on my questions for Chad was a primer on what to do. I had gathered so many articles and written so many notes and resources that I put together a small guide. I think it would be a great set of readings for husbands, so I’ve packaged them together as a reading list for our surgeons and oncologists to give to their patients and spouses. Even though my wife has passed her surgery stage of chemo I just feel like we owe so much to those that will follow behind us.
So what’s the status with my wife? Well she still has scars and is dealing with letting them heal. There is always some mention of them every night. I keep reminding her that time heals all wounds. I hate those words. Who said that anyway? She has four visits to the clinic this week. The first was to check on her suture which opened up. Tomorrow she gets one of her monthly suppression shot to reduce the amount of estrogen that feeds the type of cancer they removed from her, then she meets the following day with her oncologist to go over her clinical trial. The trial is called S0307 and is a bisphosphonate trial primarily for pre-menopausal women. Bisphosphonates are a group of drugs that have strong effects on the bones and have been shown to strengthen the bones in many patients who take them. This study will compare three study drugs, ibandronate, clodronate, and zoledronic acid in breast cancer. My wife is taking clodronate. The study will take place for 3 years. My wife will be taking Tamoxifen for 5 years. She has seen some minimal side effects but we just say that it shows the treatment is doing something. I try not to make a too big deal about it as I want her to feel like it is a normal thing we are ready to deal with.
I know this is a weird note to end this blog, but I had a great run tonight and at the end, my iPod had a congratulations message from Tiger Woods for running my fastest time yet. This was a pleasant surprise and I can’t wait to run faster tomorrow.
The perfect Christmas tree? All Christmas trees are perfect!” ~ Charles N. Barnard, American author, travel writer.
I just got back from my 2nd run of the year. Thanks to the reader who said they’d help remind me to get out there and “Just do It”. (Note to self – next time you write down your resolutions, tear them up and burn em). It definitely was the weekend to start throwing out the Christmas Tree. I counted 118 trees on the sidewalk during my run. We could have left it up but the weekends are getting booked up already with travel, basketball games, holidays and parties!
No Christmas tree counting is not what i do when I run, but it sure helped to make tonight’s run a little different than the more than 300 other runs I will have this year.
We had a pretty active weekend. Since I won’t be able to attend my son’s Little League Skills Assessment this year, we went out and played catch and hit a few balls. I love sports, but I am not one of those crazy parents (I hope I’m not) who people can’t stand at the games. My son is so focused anyway that sometimes you can scream at him and he doesn’t flinch. Last year he ran through my stop sign at third base when I was the third base coach. I had a good laugh with the other parents afterward and got a lot of ribbing about having more discipline at home and wondering if he would have stopped if mom had been there instead of me. Seriously though I have a son who has decent capability to play any sport although I’m not sure where he got the talent from. I have no visions of grandeur though as he definitely got his small stature from his parents!
We also got out as a family to spend time at the park and get some fresh air and exercise. My daughter called it her highlight of the weekend which made me feel good. My wife is still limited with her stitches so she and my daughter went for a little hike to a lookout point near our home overlooking the San Francisco Bay. In fact, one of the stitches seemed to maybe have come out too soon and she might have to go back in early this week to have it fixed. After our family meeting at dinner tonight where we talked about our schedules and highlights for the week, my wife and I had some alone time to talk about how we are doing. She laughed at me. She was the one in college who was going to be a bio major and I’m the one who runs at the sight of blood. She was quite amazed at how I was able to deal with all the tubes and procedures she had to go through when she was ill. I told her I sucked it up, and kiddingly told her to promise to never make me go through it again. Well this little stitch is causing some fluid to run out. Oh my…..medic!
She did thank me for being her rock. I had to do a lot of research for her as she was overwhelmed and frankly quite scared to read everything online and also had selective hearing when it came to what the doctors were telling her. Depending upon her mood, she’d only hear the good things sometimes and other times only the bad things. She’s better now and is able to even go online and meet some of the people I met online who gave me lots of advice. I think it is great that she is now able to converse with some of these people and join the sisterhood of survivors.
Back to normal life? Well maybe it is with the regular TV season coming back on. We’ll be able to have our banter about Desperate Housewives, Lost and everyone’s favorite, American Idol…
“The ear of the leader must ring with the voices of the people.” — Woodrow Wilson
I was recently asked if some of my earlier posts could be used on the site www.Fightpink.org. Quite frankly I was surprised as I never intended for these postings to be used elsewhere. The intent of this blog becomes clearer every day as it is more for me than anyone else. My memory isn’t what it used to be, but more importantly I’ve always documented my thoughts and someday I’d like my children to know why I did what I did or know what I thought about particular incidents in our lives.
Reading those old posts was haunting. I guess I’d forgotten already how I was feeling at that time. That is pretty funny given that many say I have a photographic memory. I laugh at that as I pretty much find myself to be so scattered in life that I just document my life meticulously so I won’t forget. I listen and listen hard. I listen to learn and listen to comfort others. I sometimes am asked why I don’t speak up on some conversations. I guess that I’ve always believed that sometimes silence is golden. And sometimes silence, pictures and images speak a thousand words.
Right now it’s all about listening to my wife’s questions. I can see and hear her concerns about her surgical scars. She doesn’t complain but tells me about the research and conversations she is having. The skin-sparing matectomy has several kinds of scars, but the ones my wife had (over 18 only please) can be depicted through the attached photo links:
The areolar was used for the original expander, but the crease was used to help reconfigure my wife so as to allow my wife to have a bit of a reduction. Right now the ster-strips still cover the scars. The black and blue are gone and now the healing once again becomes both physical and emotional. While many would think this sounds more physical, I’m listening to my wife and her voice. She wants to look normal. Normal for me and for her.Pictures speak a thousand words for her. Seeing things look almost normal will have an emotional healing that things are still the same for her. Hearing her husband honestly telling her that he thinks she looks great is one thing, but she is going to have to believe it herself. Any married couple knows that.
Tomorrow I think I’ll talk more about my own expectations and observations for 2009.
Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart. – Washington Irving
Tonight’s run was a cold and painful one. Each run is like every day in life. One day you might feel good but the next day you might feel like you are running a marathon without shoes. One day is different from the next. It’s like life. Many of us are given the same set of circumstances, but some make more or less of it than others.
I’m reading a book by Chad Moutray, another man who had a wife with breast cancer only his story ended tragically. Why would I read it? Why do I care? I often wonder if I am alone in this world. In fact I think we all wonder if our life is unique or normal. Do others deal with similar issues? Are all my peers being hit with the recession the same way?
Chad, while raised differently, has many similar qualities to me. I’m finding the book entertaining at times and hard to read at others. It hits hard and close. I’ll write more about the book at a later date once I am finished.
Today my wife went back to the clinic and the nurse practitioner supplied her with new and cleaner steri-strips to cover her scars. Her breast surgeon came by to say hello. This would be the last visit with her for another 6 months. She gave my wife a hug and then said some complimentary words about me. We had become more cordial with each other over time and recently discussed my blog. I was hesitant at first to tell her about this blog , but gave her the adress. She told my wife that she loved my honesty. Whew! I was not ready to go back and edit anything here. While this blog is more of a channel for me to express the feelings which I can’t describe with words, I find it to be more of a release for me and hopefully a memoir for my children
I am encouraged by my wife though. Her energy levels are high and her desires to enjoy herself and get back to a regular exercise regimen. She is worried about the scar and I’ve told her that I’ll help her to get used to her new self and promise to be honest and open about my feelings with her. It’s hard to argue with her when I want to be positive, but I have to pick my points. Sometimes she deserves the ability to just be down.
We are getting ready for the holidays this year with a full house of family. While everything might be the same as years past, just like running, it might be a bit more of a struggle than in the past
