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Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

15 days and Counting – Preparing for our Fight against Breast Cancer

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“You know you are in Love when the other person’s individual happiness is more important than the desires you have for the two of you together.”

It is still over 2 weeks to go and we are still waiting for MRI results.  That’s a good thing I think.  We’ve gotten into a good routine and my wife has refocused her mental energy on work and the kids.  I am personally struggling with how to keep things together for the 2-3 weeks where I will have to carry 100% of the physical action while also maintaining a full load of work.  I don’t want my kids to feel like we are tossing them around to other people to drive them everywhere.  My 8-year old son is already getting a little clingy with his mother.  The kids have been excellent though understanding that mommy is going to need them to help out.  I’ve avoided telling them the exact day of the surgery as I don’t want to stress them out the morning that i take them to school.  We’ve basically explained this as another business trip for mom except that she is going to be exhausted for a couple weeks when she gets back.  These next two weeks they are practicing “staying out of mom’s hair” while mom gets work done on her projects.  They are growing up through this process fairly quickly, but after it is all over we are going to have to help them become silly kids again.

Yes, mental distractions are what we are continuing to strive for as we try to remain busy.  My wife told me a few things she is going to do in the next couple days that I would normally have said “No” to, but right now I just want her to keep happy.  The other day I finally awoke to a birthday and didn’t realize it was that day until I got a call that afternoon.  Suddenly if dawned on me that I was definitely distracted by my concern for my wife that normal everyday events which are important to me were no longer a priority.

My wife commented to me last night as we watched the closing ceremonies that having the Olympics on the last two weeks really helped to challenge her inner spirit.  It wasn’t just the stories of Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt, but the stories of age over youth (Jeannie Longo and Sara Torres), overcoming tragedy (Hugh mcCutcheon), unbearable pain (Zuzana Thomas), handicap (Natalie du Toit), and a year long struggle and grieving for the loss of a loved one (Matthias Steiner) that have inspired her that the mind can heal and drive you to greater things if you want them.

I told her she can have whatever she wants.  We just have to start thinking about what those things are.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Day 10 – Letting go – Loving someone with breast cancer

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“Your strength allows me to live and thrive”

Traveling away from your spouse when she has breast cancer is so hard.  I spent the whole night before leaving for my strip just preoaring things around the house so my wife would not have to deal with them while I am gone.  Leaving my wife for a few days is hard.  This is not just any business trip when you know your sife is hurting and you have to leave her.  That is not waht you do when you love someone.

Even on the airport shuttle I ran into a gentleman who was traveling to visit his cousin who is dying of breast cancer.  It jsut seems to be everywhere I look.  Someone is talking about breast cancer.  At this conference I ran into the conference organizer who tahnked me for my contribution to her 3-day cancer walk efforts.

I do thank my wife for being strong enough to let me continue to work, to let the kids continue to enjoy their summer and for those around her to not feel uncomfortable when they are with her.

In reality nothing can really happen while she is gone.  Breast cancer takes years to matastecize according to what her doctor said.  Things don’t change that rapidly.  Now her doctors only have a limited view through my wife’s mammogram so while we believe we are only at Stage 1 breast cancer, we’ll know more after the MRI and other tests.  It just still is hard to be away.  My wife though let me know that she is okay and that she knows that I love her more than ever.  It does give me some peace of mind.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Gathering Inspiration Daily in a Fight Against Breast Cancer

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“Everyday I’m reminded of another reason why I love you so much”

I think one of the pieces of the healing process during the journey from diagnosis to surgery to recovery and treatment is hearing the stories of so many other women.  Amazingly enough I still haven’t heard a story that I felt is exactly like my wife’s.    Today a woman who is helping another woman in her recovery told me about her patient who is getting tattoos on her nipples after having a bilateral mastectomy and has been trying to find the right tattoo artist for the procedure coontacted me via this blog.  I responded to tell her that my wife’s situation was slightly different.

As I’ve been told, my wife will be able to maintain her nipples.  This is called a skin saving procedure or something like that.  Frankly when they told us this was an option during the counseling I didn’t react.  I wasn’t even sure what was the appropriate reaction for a husband in that moment.  It has been a couple days since then and all I can say is that I truly married my wife for the woman that she is.  Her external beauty would not be there if her inner light wasn’t so bright.  If she needs her breasts reconstructed to make her feel good, and that means it will enable her to keep up the spirit I fell in love with, then I will take whatever she wants.

I know there are many women who get bilateral mastectomies with different consequences:  Some don’t get reconstructive surgery at all, some decide to delay or can’t get reconstructive until later, some have reconstructive where they lose their nipples and have to have them tattooed on, some just never get them tattooed on, or in the case of my wife (this is the option that has been discussed to this point), she will have immediate reconstructive without losing her nipples.  This was an option I didn’t even know existed at the time where we walked into the doctor’s office.  They say that no matter what there is some loss of feeling.

But like I said, there are so many variables that breast cancer can throw at you which will change the possible opportunities.  My mother-in-law decided to have a double mastectomy (cancer had only been found in one breast) and never had reconstruction.  My own mother decided against a lumpectomy and had just a unilateral mastectomy without reconstruction.  My wife had the otpion of just a lumpectomy.  Family history, age and actually my wife’s current breast size had a large impact in the choice she/we have made.

We are going to take a break for a little family vacation before resuming with meetings with the plastic surgeon, getting the MRI and having some genetic testing done.  Still a while to go so a little recharge of batteries will be needed.

As for me, I’m finding myself still needing to talk about my wife with my own friends.  It helps me to talk about it and fortunately my co-workers and friends have been so supportive.  Telling them how my wife is fighting hard also makes them feel good to.  They are my inspiration.  Their wishes and prayers are not taken for granted and the fact that they are doing this for my wife makes me even more inspired to work harder for her and to show her my love will never waver.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Fighting Cancer is a Marathon not a Sprint

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“Please pace yourself.  This is just the calm before the storm”

My wife has so much spirit right now that I think she feels ready to take on the world.  The truth is I think she needs to save that inner strength and fortitude.  We have yet to even visit with the breast surgeon or had the MRI.

One of the hard things to do is tell people you have breast cancer.  It has been my job to do that but I think the best strategy is to not tell people until you have all the facts and maybe not until after.  Right now everyone wants to help when we don’t need their help.  We’ll need their help after the surgery.  We decided to not even mention it to other parents in our children’s class.

Although that is a good plan it can backfire.  My “superhuman” wife decided to run a milion errands even taking the kids with her to the hospital to pick up slides and arrange a few more appointments.  It was a good idea to get them used to the sight of a pleasant hospital surrounding.  She then decided to clean the house and got caught while washing her car but a neighbor kid who invited himself into our home.  This kid is really nice but way too much energy and my wife should have just put her foot down and told him to go home.  Although my wife said it was fine, I could see her body was tired at the end of the day, she was still feeling short of breath from being tired, and I was not coming home to the dynamo wife I had been seeing the past few days.

We discussed the need for her to pace herself and she agreed.  We are beginning to set out a plan through the holidays and it will keep us focused on the future.  This might just be longer than a marathon.  Yes, the Olympics start tomorrow.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Day 7 – Inspiration

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“You are my inspiration.  Now you have the opportunity to inspire others not only with your actions and words, but your positive attitude.”

I woke up this morning and stared at my wife who had a beautiful smile on her face although she was still asleep.  Here is someone who is going to lose a body part, have major surgery, and is currently living with a major disease inside of her and she looked so peaceful.  I’m so concerned about her yet believe she has found a good place right now where she can function and feel good about her situation.

The reality though is she faces major surgery and months of recovery which might disrupt her life a bit. 

My wife now joins the legion of survivors of cancer or those living with cancer who inspire us all.  She’s not Lance Armstrong, Sheryl Crow or Scott Hamilton, but those who will learn of her plight ad see how she handles herself will be inspired by her just as I am.  I find that even those I’ve spoken to already are amazed by her spirit to continue to move forward.  One friend today said, “You really want to have a playdate at the pool with our kids?”  I think she was amazed to hear how my wife, one day after finding out her fate, was ready to move forward and keep on living and keeping her life on a normal path.

Every day we hear amazing stories and are inspired by celebrities to every day people in our lives.  My wife interestingly enough never folows the Lance Armstrong  type sotires as much as I do.  I’m always moved by people who take adversity and not only recover to where they were before, but make themselves better.  In her own litle way, I think my wife just might be one of those people.  When you live closely with someone for 20 years you sometimes forget who it is that is standing beside you and why you fell in love with them in the first place.

Yesterday at the doctor’s office when I fell asleep after being exhausted from all the reading and reasearch i awoke to find her holding my hand and patting it as if to tell me that everything would be okay.  Maybe I needed reassurance from her that it was going to be alright.  The jury is still out, but in inspiration we find a pot of hope that is glowing in gold.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Day 6 – Visiting the Surgeon

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“Today like every day is a great day with you.  Seeing you smile with tears in your eyes makes me happy”

If you don’t like waits, this was not for you.  We had a 1pm appt and showed up 15 minutes early.  We didn’t leave until 3:30pm but it was one of the most educational 2 and half hours I’ve had in a while.

For all the Significant Others out there, always go with your spouse to the visit.  Waiting there alone was bad enough with my wife, so I can’t imagine sitting in that room alone.  I think at one point there was a 40 minute wait and I fell asleep while my wife ran through pamphlets.  All of the waiting had me exhausted and it finally caught up with me I guess.  I haven’t been sleeping well.  Worrying about my wife when she wasn’t looking was killing me.  The power nap really helped.

My wife wanted me to take notes as she wanted me to make sure I jotted down the good things as she heard that you only tend to listen to the bad things. My wife’s doctor was also my mother’s surgeon.  While we sat there I read the bio of a young hot shot cosmetic surgeon and was thoroughly impressed, but this surgeon was more comforting and real.  She had a great calming effect and she made me feel good knowing that she saved my mother and is going to save my wife.

My wife’s OB/GYN has to also be commended for detecting her cancer.  “Your OB/GYN did a great job” seems to be the common thread we are hearing.   I’ve never been someone who cared about their wife’s OB/GYN, but I appreciate her more than ever.  I wrote her an email tonight just to say thanks.  How can I ever repay her.

It turns out we were very prepared for what we needed to know.  My wife and I didn’t even have to glance at each other while the doctor told us what it appears her prognosis would be.  I think all this thinking had us thinking the worst.  While the news wasn’t the greatest, I think it brought a great sense of relief for ua to finally know what it is, what our population of statistics tells us that we have to deal with, and what our timing will be.

We had a pretty good idea of what our going in thought would be and after her surgeon told her that a simple lumpectomy might just be fine with some radiation, my wife told her what she really wanted.  A double mastectomy with reconstruction.  This is no laughing matter, but it is not my choice and is all up to my wife.  She knows what she wants and if this means possibly not ever having to deal with this kind of cancer again, that is just alright with me.

Again, I learned so much about the process and preocedures which will help us get through this.  Now we will do a lot more waiting.  Yes, there will be another month before the actual surgery.  There is no danger of the cancer getting worse so the best thing to do is go on living our lives.  We need to take care of our business right now and prepare for the best and worst.

Ironically my wife did hear all the positive and it was me who heard the negatives.  I tempered her enthusiasm a bit.  This is not a print but a marathon.  We will defnitely have some tough days ahead and I want us to be prepared for that.

We started to tell our 6 and 9 year old about mommy’s lump but we’ll have to do it again another time.  We can’t be afraid to use the word cancer.  We need to tell our children about mommy and let them hear it from us rather than someone else.  Again, our goal is to get our children smarter and more mature about life matters.

In the end, I was happy to see a smile on my wife’s face that I hadn’t seen for months.  It made me cry. I’m so happy for her.  I married the right woman.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

A Loving Fight – Day 4

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“You are more beautiful outside and stronger inside than ever before”

It is so hard to tell that to your wife when she is fighting the anxiety of being diagnosed with breast cancer.  The bouts of crying and the number of well-wishes she is receiving is probably overwhelming her.  The fact of the matter is that she is stronger and more beautiful than ever.  Maybe my eyes are welling up with tears as and I’m seeing a glow that I haven’t seen in 20 years, but my wife has never looked better.

She had a great day today getting out and continuing to do what she loves and then spending time with her family.  My mother graciously took the kids and we went out for a movie, dinner and alone time.  It was a chick flick that I would have rather waited for on DVD, but we went and I let her have her movie.  It was all about girl power and it made her cry.  It was her first crying fit in a couple days.  She really need it.

Distraction is the name of the game and keeping her busy is the most improtant thing I can do to keep her distracted.  We accomplished quite a bit today and she was fine until that movie got her back to thinking about the cancer again.  This is a strong woman who is used to fighting physically but this is not something she can beat.  Fate has dealt her a blow and now we must wait for the oncologists to help her set her plan.

Tomorrow will be a better day I’m sure.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

A Loving Fight – Day 3

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“Our marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but sometimes one of us shall carry the load.  Let me do it now.”

I think the waiting is just too much.  We have to wait another 3 days before our meeting with the surgeon and oncologist.  We are meeting with the physicians at UCSF.  My wife feels comfortable with that and has received reassurances for her decision.  She’s still anxious though and her doctor prescribed her some anxiety medication.

The network of cnacer survivors is amazing.  She has met with and spoken with so many survivors.  My mother, her friends, my cousins, my aunts, her mother’s friends,and her mother have all reached out to her.  Their strength has really helped.  I think seeing her mother’s strength has really helped her.  They all have one thing in common.  They are all survivors and that is making her feel better while we play the waiting game.

Meanwhile I am taking more of my 50% on and making sure to distract the kids who we have not yet told.  They’ll be okay and we’ll help them get through it with a sense of strength and courage that will allow them to fight any of life’s many obstacles.  It’s hard to just do the little things.  Not because I can’t do them myself, but I’m so used to seeing my wife do them for me with love.

As I said, my wife has a great support group, but it is amazing to me about how little there is for their significant others.  This is not just her cancer, but it is our cancer.  I snuck away the other night just to look at mastectomy operations on the internet.  I’m not one who can look and blood or anything involving an open cavity, but I forced myself to look.  I need to get used to it so my wife sees how strong I am for her.  I cry too.  I cry in the shower in the mornings while she’s still asleep.  I know she is going to be okay, but it is a very emotional event in our young lives.

In a weird way, cancer has been a positive distraction.  My days at work have not felt so long.  There is more urgency in the work I am doing and I’ve been more efficient.  Running is the same.  My nightly runs seem to have more energy and my runs seem to be with less effort.  Has the cancer made me stronger too?

Today I went to the Livestrong site and bought more yellow bands.  I want my children to wear them again.  I want them to feel like they are supporting their mother.  Again it is a way to help distract their minds too.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

A Loving Fight – Day 2

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“Now is the time to dream BIG.  Dream bigger than ever.  Don’t just dream for today and tomorrow, but for what you truly want years from now.  “

My wife is such an unselfish person and I have always been tough on her.  Begging for her to tell me what I could do to make her happy. “What do YOU really want”, I’d always ask.  Carpe Diem has never been in her vocabulary.  I love her for that.  She’s never been a high maintenance partner and now I want her to be.  Well I’ve always wanted her to at least tell me what I can do for her.  I know the simple things in life that she enjoys, but I want to hear about the bigger things.  This has been like pulling teeth.  Literally, pulling teeth since both of our dads were dentists.

It’s actually a hard thing for someone else who hasn’t dreamed that way before.  I had her watch Randy Pausch’s full lecture in which he tell us his dreams of being Captain Kirk, working for Disney and playing in the NFL.  Hearing her laugh while listening to a man who was dying tell you how he is living his dreams was therapeutic for me. Hearing her laugh and cry made me feel good. I had to remind her that she was listening to a man who was not going to live versus her, a person who IS going to live.  She would likely say what she wants for our kids.  That is what her mom would say.  I reminded her that none of what Randy Pausch says in his lecture has anything to do with his kids although the lecture is for his kids.

I think she gets it.  I think she now realizes that dreaming is not the same as “wanting”.  She can still be unselfish.  I’m just asking her to be positive.  No more glass half empty attitudes.  More Tigger and less Eeyore.  As a consultant I strategized for my clients based on scenario planning and expected outcomes.  Cancer has put many scenarios in front of us.  I want her to have scenarios with outcomes.  Some of those outcomes will be common no matter what those scenarios will be.  If she wants to go to Hawaii, there is no reason we can’t.  If she wants to drive a Porsche, there is no reason she can’t.  I just want her to tell me what she wants so that I can do my job as a husband and help her work toward those dreams.

Cancer is funny in this way.  I always joke to my wife that it doesn’t matter what I say.  She’ll always listen to someone else’s opinion first.  That is why I had her listen to Randy Pausch’s lecture.  She knows I love her so my opinions are tainted and that is true.  In that same note, I think she is listening to the cancer.  The cancer is telling her that life is too short to wait for it to come to you.  Sometimes you have to grab for it and savor it.

She just told me she was going to create one of her famous “to-do lists” today.  I just reminded her to make it BIG and not very easy to cross off each of them……