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3 weeks post-surgery – A Loving Fight Against Breast Cancer

“Keep resting, take your chances to rest.”

Well we are now 3 weeks post-surgery and we are slowly moving back to normal.  We both have finally gotten rid of our coughs which both hit us around the time that she was diagnosed.  I’m thinking it was a bit psychosematic (sp?) but either way, it’s all done. 

I’m still dropping off the kids and preparing everyone’s breakfast and lunch as she is still weak in the mornings and has not regained her stamina.  Picking up the kids in the afternoons and helping them go to their activities is exhausting and I see the weakness in her.  We had a long discussion to remind her to her rest when she can.  She has resumed light work which again is a good distraction for her, but she can barely stay awake at the end of the day.  She has also been going on walks with friends so I think that is helping to both get her out, but also take a lot of her energy away.

We did watch Christina Applegate on Oprah today.  Yes, I watched Oprah.  It was good for her to see Christina Applegate and her diagnosis.  They are very similar in age and diagnosis as well as surgery and timing.  I don’t think we learned anything new but I could see my wife breath just a sigh of relief.  It is the sigh of knowing that she has more people like her.  She is not alone and not left wondering why her as opposed to someone else.

It is still hard to leave her alone.  As someone recently said to me, men just want to fix things.  I do.  I want to make her feel better.  Traveling again for work is difficult to do.  Leaving her and not being close to help is so hard.  It is good though to get immersed in work again for one week (before next week’s oncologist appointment). 

At dinner though our son did ask us about the other mother of a classmate in his school who died of breast cancer.  We had to remind him that her case was different and that there are all kinds of situations.  He was also under the impression she passed after visiting the hospital again.  This explains a little why he is worried each time we go to the hospital.  Hopefully he understands a little better now.   It is best to remind our children to ask us every time they have a new question.

As a funny aside, today I met Kathy Ireland!  Wow, pretty amazing.  I was speaking at a Social Media Marketing Sunmmit and walked in to the Speakers Area before the conference and there she was.  it was like the episode od Friends where Chandler gets caught in a banking vestibule with Jill Goodacre.  Kathy even knew my name which left me feeling like I was 15 again.  My wife had a good laugh when I Tweeted her and told her I was sitting next to Kathy Ireland.  She knew at least it was relieving the tension of giving my speech.  It went well by the way.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming? Well almost.

“You’re not quite ready to be a full time soccer mom.”

Weekend number 3 after surgery and we started to try to get back to something normal.  Soccer season with two games across at the same time required logistical gymnastics.  Another mom drove her and our daughter to the game.  She never watches but I made her promise me that she’d stay in the car and watch the game or at least watch the whole game and not take her eye off the ball if she stood on the sideline.  I reminded her that a kid or ball running into her would not be good and that she wasn’t quite ready to be a full time soccer mom.  Of course she didn’t listen, stood on the sideline, and according to our daughter, took a ball in the hip.  Yikes!

The next day was a cousin’s wedding reception.  We have lots of older sick relatives so we hadn’t told them anything.  It was a crowded restaurant with very little wiggle room so my son and I played like offensive linemen protecting her from any blind-sided impact or overzealous hugging relatives.  Somehow we made it through the 3-hour ordeal with her being totally exhausted but happy to get out of the house.  She also had the chance to talk to a cousin and a couple of aunts who had had breast cancer.  They consoled her and reassured her that all would be well.  Their stories were all different.  My cousin had the same surgery my wife did.  One aunt had a lumpectomy and had to go back for a bilateral mastectomy.  Another had a mastectomy and reconstruction on one side.  At one point the 3 of them and my mother all took a photo together with the bride.  I alone shed a tear thinking how these 4 women all indirectly related by marriage were impacted by cancer and were sisters in a community of women who have been through a lot.  There were no shared genes.  All connected by marriage and a similar disease and very bright smiles.  I don’t think they even realized the circumstances of who was in that photo.

My wife did say that the pain was lesser and that she only seemed to be pained later in the afternoon.  She really looks great and I know part of it is her always positive style which I told her she needed to put away sometimes.  While it is good to look great so everyone can feel good for her, there might still be some tough times ahead and she might have to let everyone understand that.  We still won’t know her possible chemo plan for another week.

The week is starting off okay.  I’m still taking the kids to school and she is now picking the kids up.  I think the kids really feel better knowing mom is okay enough to pick them up and play chauffeur again.  I have to remind them to take it easy on her though.  Her mobility is good and we don’t have any visits to the PS this week so it is just a good week to get things done.  The hard part for me is to get back to work and keep my concentration.  I do worry and call just to make sure she is okay.  Letting go is going to be a hard one for me as I will not feel comfortable until she has fully regained her strength and we feel like we can truly begin the healing process.

It is hard to believe it has only been two months since her diagnosis.  It seems like forever.  And we still have a litle longer to go.

If the boob fits, wear it? – Post Surgery Procedure

“You two are my favorite patients.”

Well our second visit to the PS was a little longer than expected.  More because he was busy.  By 9:30am he was running an hour and a half late. For the first time it seemed as we waited there that the patients all seemed older and more sick.  Many of them were asleep and to be awakened by the nurses as they were taken to the back.  My wife and I just held hands as we saw all these lonely people.  My wife later said that she was happy I decided to be with her as waiting in that room for 2 hours would have been real depressing although it is probably one of the more upbeat waiting rooms you could probably find in a cancer clinic with inspirational quotes from patients and pleasant music. 

Having visited the breast care clinic several times I have decided to contribute to their library of magazines.  Although I’m not sure many of the women want to read about golf, sports, photography or travel, I hope that the occasional husband or father or son who decides to go the extra step in this journey with their spouse, mom, or daughter can feel comfortable in doing so.

When we finally were called, Andrew, took my wife’s vitals.  He laughed and joked with us regarding my wife’s normally low blood pressure and how she wanted to be weighed on the “pound reducing” scale.  We actually notices one scale adds 5 pounds in the office.  Our respect for this office practice has grown so much.  While these physicians deal in a very “flashy” part of surgery, they have to deal with many real world situations that aren’t so glamorous.  Sitting in that room watching a 70 year old bald lady  walk in by herself in a very expensive suit, she still looked refined, but the sadness on her face was visible.  The chemo and the wear and tear of this journey had taken its toll.  When Andrew greeted her before us, he put on his best smile with a , “Nice to see you again, you’re looking strong”.  She finally emitted a smile. 

Our situation seems so minor compared to others and I’m sure emotionally seeing all of these sick people does affect the staff as well.  It did make us feel good though to hear Andrew say to us out of earshot of others, “You two are my favorite patients.”  Whether he meant it or not, we actually felt good that we were able to put a smile on his face.

As we waited another 20 minutes in the procedure room, the resident came in, then the fellow, then the nurse, then finally our PS.  My wife had forgotten her questions she had for him, but I was able to help her remember them all. It was good to ask.  They have so many patients it probably is hard to keep track.  We have to get another appointment so we will still need another 3 after the one we had.  That will make five visits post surgery.

He added another 100cc (total 350cc so far ) and gave my wife more recommendations for care and comfort.  My wife upped her dosage of her meds and felt much more comfortable to sleep and rest and was not awakened by the children this morning although she is still stiff.  The PS again was able to smile. He is such a serious guy, but even making him smile made us feel better.  He definitely had had a tough morning.  He had a better picture of where he was going with my wife and drew more pictures on her file.  He’s not a bad artist.  I think that is a good thing in his profession.  He told us enough to make us think we’ll have an exchange (barring chemo) sometime around mid-November. 

The real light hearted moment was when my wife asked him about implants – what kind, what size, etc?  He told her he won’t know until she’s in surgery again.  Depending upon the rib cage (the expander is currently sitting on the rib cage), any adjustments he decides to make depending upon what she tells him, etc. he will put what best works at that time.  When my wife asked him how he does that, he told her that they have this big storage room at UCSF just outside of the O.R. that has the largest consignment selection of implants in the US.  With the vision of this magical golden room full of implants my wife skeptically questioned, “Even more than they have in Beverly Hills?”  He proudly said that they have every imaginable size and selection readily available and approved in the US with more options than any other clinic in the country.

My wife’s eyes lit up, “So kind of like a shoe store, where you try on a few”.  She knows I hate shoe shopping.

He chuckled at the analogy, “Well we theoretically get one shot at this, so we try and get it right and there aren’t a selection of colors.  So if the shoe fits, that’s the one we’ll give you.  You might even have two different ones, but we try and match them.”  Great, we have an orthopedist and a comedian for a PS.

In the end the light conversation took my wife’s attention away from the growing discomfort that she was feeling in her chest.  She was too tight to drive home at that point, so it was fortunate I took her to this appointment. 

As a side note, my wife has had a cough almost since the day of her diagnosis.  The day the drains came out, it magically went away.  I always thought it might have been brought about by anxiety, but this almost proves it.  Interestingly enough, I think I developed a sympathetic cough.  My cough went away too.  I think last night was the best sleep we have had since this whole journey began.  Her chest still aches, but the exercises are helping and the higher dosage of pain killers is working.

On the way home, we decided that no matter if Andrew meant it or not, we would try to brighten the days of our medical team.  His comment of being his favorite patients meant a lot to us and reminded us that they are human beings too.  Each time we visit we would try and do something whether through nice conversation or a small gift of appreciation (more magazines for the waiting room, etc.) to let them know we care about them and appreciate all that they have done or are trying to do for us.  My wife reminded me that he referred to me as a patient as well and so did the PS.  Yep, we’re in this together.

Alright a Deep Breath and onto the Next Hurdle – A Loving Fight

“We’re in a good place but let’s keep on our toes”

And off she goes….I think my wife really is a new woman.  Although she has pain and deep discomfort from her expanders, her first full day without drains seemed to go without a hitch.  Although I still made breakfast and drove the kids to school, she had energy to go for a walk with our Principal’s wife, entertain my mother and sister who came by to check on her at lunch, and drive the mile to our kid’s school, read to our son’s 3rd grade class, and then make it home.  While still in discomfort, she said her energy level was more than back and all the exercise she had done to get in shape before surgery was a big help.

I sat at work worried and checking in on her.  I thought it was too much and stood at the ready in case she needed me.  I married a stubborn fighter.  She’s still soft inside, but she’ll fight when she needs to.  I reminded her that although she is feeling good today, the road is still long and we have some uphill painful battles yet to climb and we needed to keep on her toes.  That did it, I stepped over the line.  I needed to let her enjoy the moment.  Don’t rain on her parade, you fool!

The expanders though are our next hurdle and from what i’ve read the more they get filled the worse the pain  will get.  So although she says she doesn’t need me to take her there, I think I will just be there anyway to take her home just in case.  Funny we were so focused on the drains and then now our attention is on the expanders, the schedule for exchange and lastly the looming possibility of chemo.  It really is one step at a time.  While we are aware of each potential situation my word of advice is to cross the bridge when we get to it.  I think our physicians are amused by my wife’s lists.  My wife’s lists are famous in our house.  I don’t think there is a thing my wife won’t list.  I think our list of questions though will change from previous visits now that the drains are behind us.

Today she took her first shower and re-bandaged herself  Like many said it would, it felt good just tor un water all over her.  I think we’re going to have a water shortage here in California after that marathon shower.

One other note.  Sadly, someone out there on a message board thought it was “weird” that as a husband I was being an active information gatherer and was bothered by my being an active participant in my wife’s fight against cancer.  It really angered me and when I mentioned it to my wife, she gave me this big hug and assured me that many people don’t know what it means to have great support.  She’s right but I also think it is a sad state that someone would feel that there is some kind of perverted research that I am doing.  We’re talking about someone I love deeply and there is no end to what I would do to find out what I could do to help her.  I also feel saddened but understand that there are many out there who can’t feel open about what they share.

I also think she thinks it is weird mostly because I am a guy asking the questions as opposed to another woman . Many women ask questions but when a guy asks the questions she got scared.  This is sad because I think husbands need to be more active and help their wives through this.  The day will come when I will be in the hospital and I will need all of my wife’s support and I sure hope she can do for me what I did have been able to do for her.  People!  Cancer does not discriminate! Black, white, young, old, men, women, children….we need to fight the cancer, not the people!

The Last Day – Preparing for Breast Cancer Surgery

“I’m with you, you’re stuck with me”

The day before surgery there is nothing else you can do.  I think I had more questions than my wife.  You just go through the procedures at the hospital and then learn about a million more things about the surgery.  The surgery is tomorrow at 7am.

We had three appointments today.  Good thing I went.  It was just a whole lot of information and stuff that you wouldn’t want to go through alone.  I was sitting there looking around in the waiting room noticing 20+ women by themselves and only two husbands.  I couldn’t imagine leaving my wife to do that without me there.  The first appointment at 9am was to get the blood work.  It was also a nice meeting with the anaesthesiologist and nurse practitioner.  It was a very calm and relaxing meeting in which we made sure there weren’t allergies or history of complications.  They give you a special soap to use the night before when you take a shower.  They also recommend no eating after midnight and to take an Adavan before you go to bed and when you wake in the morning to take the edge off.  When we get there they will give you a cocktail to get you drowsy and then make some markings on your body where the surgery will be.

The will then take her to surgery where she will be given Propaphal (sp?) which has basically replaced the truth serum anasthesia that they used to give.

At 11am we had our quickest appointment of the day, the visit with the nuclear medicine team.  They injected her directly where the cancer is with a radioactive injection that will will follow her drainage to her sentinel lymph nodes.  This is so the surgeon can use a Geiger counter type of device to find the nodes and take them away for a pathology study.  Within 15 minutes they will know if there is anything in those initial nodes and if they will have to take more nodes.  This nuclear medicine has a half life of 6 hours so must be done the day of or the day before the surgery.

At 1pm we got the final meeting out of the way.  The pre-op appointment with the head nurse.  It was informative including drainage information, pillows to take home, samples of the expanders that will be inserted and finally samples of saline and silicone breast implants.  Pretty amazing I must say.  I think I had more questions than my wife, but the advice was all good.  One Big piece of knowledge.  My wife’s surgery is called “A Total Skin Sparing Mastectomy” , so there you have it.

A couple of good reminders:  No ice to reduce swelling!  Observe the 90 degree rule and not raise your arms above your head, and don’t worry about showering for a couple days after you get home.  Also, you are allowed to take Tylenol with Adavan.

It was a draining day and despite all our preparation, we learned so much more.  There is an information overload going on and my mind is racing.  Fortunately she is already asleep.  Tomorrow will be a big day for both of us.  I just hope I don’t forget anything last minute!

Skin-Sparing Mastectomy – A Loving Fight Against Breast Cancer

“Inspiration comes in many forms.  Let’s keep our eyes open.” – Today’s email to my wife

Actually something less formal like “Keep on Truckin'” might have been a more appropriate word of the day as we headed into this Labor Day weekend.  We are both working the late shift getting major projects done and trying to keep our lives as hectic (normal) as possible.  We still keep getting the “How are you doing” phone calls which we politely respond to, but then have to cut short not only because we are so tired of telling everyone, but also because we have so much to do before the surgery.

The surgery itself is fairly new but even moreso is the reconstruction.  The following photos from Breastcancer.org describes the basic procedure:

Skin-Sparing Surgery Image from Breastcancer.org
Skin-Sparing Surgery Image from Breastcancer.org

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A pink line indicates “keyhole”–like incision

B pink highlighted area indicates tissue removed at mastectomy

The major difference for my wife is that the “A” incision will be done above the nipple and not around the nipple thus sparing the nipple as well.  We were told that this can only be done if the nipple has not yet been exposed to the cancer as some tissue is left around the nipple.  This is a surgery more recommended for women who are early stage.  My wife was also told that she did not have enough tissue from other parts of her body to pull from her tummy or her back shoulders so this was probably the best way if she wanted reconstruction.  Each side takes an additional 45 minutes.

Many husbands might be adverse to the feel etc of implants, but for me I think this is the woman’s choice.  Many believe that reconstruction will best leave them with a mental state that will help them adjust to life after cancer.  This is truly the woman’s decision and I think that every spouse or significant other should try to stay out of the reconstructive decision and not pressure their spouse to do it.  While I wanted my wife to choose reconstruction, I feel better that it is her choice that she made and fully understand her reasoning.  I also think the doctors believe it is the right decision for her and she is making it for the right reasons.

I know some people might  think I’m full of baloney on this, but one of most inspiring stories I ever witnessed was that of Dave Dravecky, the SF Giants pitcher who lost his arm to cancer.  I happened to attend that game when he lost his arm.  I heard it snap.  I cried for him and still cry when he comes back for Giants reunion games. It wasn’t just any arm , but a million dollar arm that earned him a living.  Did he choose to wear a prosthesis? No.  He says sometimes he still dreams that his arm is still there.  But that is not the end of Dave’s story.  he has gone on with his life as a pitching coach and inspirational speaker for those not only diagnosed with cancer, but those he need to be inspired even when they lose something so important and identifiable as who they are.

While my wife’s chest is not the same as a pitcher’s arm, for her it is part of her identity internally.  Only she knows that and there is no way I will be able to relate to that.

At the same time, my wife is wondering how I can be so unselfish about this.  She has always laughed about my infatuation with the human drama of sports.  I do have a bit of a ridiculous man-crush on my idols, Jerry Rice and Joe Montana and she never got it.  I often told her the story of Dave Dravecky and his inspirational life.  She never got it until now.  Now she knows how I feel about her.  Things do come full circle and our inspiration can come from many places and might have been with us all along.