San Francisco is the longest lasting love affair of my life. Her beauty inspires me anew each day and I am very thankful to be able to live here on the edge of the continent in what I feel is the heart of the world. ~Nicole ,sfheart.com
The last couple of weeks have been a bit nutty from me. I think it all started with my annual check -up ( I got a clean bill of health by the way) but as soon as it was over, I got sick. I had a rash, a hacking cough, a fever….no it wasn’t “swine flu” although I had just taken a flight from Los Angeles to San Francisco where I was about the only person not returning from Spring Break in Mexico. In the end I think it was just the winding down from all the stress of making sure that I was healthy for my check-up that my body just relaxed and broke down. The stress had been hitting me hard and now it was just taking over my body in its weakened state.
Today, after two weeks, I felt like something came over me. I wasn’t sure. My wife went in for her 5 month appt for her study and was given the approval for more medication to lessen some of the side effects. A relief for her too I guess. She still wants to revisit her physician and see if he can make a few more corrections. These days, these decisions I leave to her. She wants to remove me from the clinical aspects of our marriage. In her view it is like my not telling her what hue of lipstick or what pair of shoes to wear. We then proceeded to make summer plans and take care of the millions of little things that have been bothering us. The Comcast cable issue, summer camps for kids, and all those little things we’ve been meaning to coordinate around the house, but just haven’t asked each other to help.
Then despite working late, skipping lunch, having a late dinner, and barely getting home in time to tuck my kids into bed, I had that burst of energy. I still have been coughing and I just knew I had to get out and run. I needed to have a healing run. In fact I had a major coughing fit just as I put on my shoes. I was dreading this run. While recuperating from this cold I joked with my wife that we really were getting old. I now had more medications on my bathroom counter than I can remember ever having. I joked with my wife that i need one of those daily pill boxes that my mom has.
It was a beautiful foggy night that San Francisco is so well known for. The damp mist on my face was so refreshing. I ran further than I had on any run this year and I set personal bests this year for the mile, 3k and 5k distances. It was truly amazing that despite my sickened state that my body could perform so well. It had to be that home-cooked weather. The damp streets from the fog, along with the blurry street lights created a dreamlike feel as I ran up and down the hills. It felt so good and all my thoughts raced in and out of my head. By the time I completed my circle back home I could have gone longer but it was already midnight. I felt stronger at the end of the run that I did at the beginning. My cough is suddenly gone and I don’t feel any shortness of breath.
It is amazing how much I needed this run. Not just for the energy, but mostly for my mindset. I think the San Francisco weather is like that comfort food for me. It’s healing effects on this native son are like my fountain of youth! I felt like Tony Bennett was singing to me as I glided through the streets, window shopping and gathering in the view of the fingers of fog as they reached under the Golden Gate Bridge and curled their way across the bay. It was like a lullaby that your mom sings to you when you can’t sleep. Sometimes it is the power of the soul to heal. The power of the mind helps rejuvenate your passion and your spirit. Those comfortable surroundings which lessen our worries are better than all the medicines that can be prescribed.
Speaking of sleep, I better get some. Long day tomorrow.
If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen FOR you, TO you and BECAUSE of you. ~ T-Alan Armstrong, Author
I started writing this in my small free time the other day as I flew between San Francisco and Los Angeles. As usual for me I got myself engaged and absorbed in a conversation with a young couple telling me about the wonderful 5 days they had just spent in Mexico visiting some fascinating places so I am finishing this blog entry at home . It sure beat sitting there in my cramped seat with my computer open for an hour. Sometimes no matter how hard we try we get caught forgetting to look around, observe, learn, listen, absorb and act in a way that shows we respect and enjoy the life we have.
This young couple had a passion in their voice as they talked about their vacation. It hit home with the topic of this post that I had been thinking about. Lately as I have been running at night I’ve come across a greater understanding of what motivates me and keeps me motivated. I’ve always been passionate about wanting certain things in my life, but at the same time I can get myself into a rhythm in life that can get me into a bit of a daze. Rhythms can be good, but they can also lull us to sleep. I suddenly woke up this week and realized it got away from me. I hadn’t been collecting my thoughts, I had been ignoring what was important to me, and I wasn’t enjoying myself. Stress can do that and when you are just rolling along you sometimes need to hit a bump in the road to wake you from your slumber before you drive off the road. Albeit, paying property taxes, filing income taxes, preparing for a presentation this past week and for next week can be distracting and took me away from my ability to focus on life’s pleasures and little things.
I’ve been getting asked recently about my running and odd hours. It is true I don’t sleep much. I find that the it isn’t about how much I sleep, but the consistency of my hours. Sleeping more will throw me into as much of a funk as sleeping less. If 5 hours is all I need, then if I train my body that way, I can function very easily on 5 hours. Even the other morning I had the oddest exerience as I woke up on my own at 3:30am without the help of an alarm. I opened my eyes and heard nothing. I sat there for 5 minutes staring at the ceiling and didn’t even hear a car go by or even the hum of a refrigerator, heater, etc. For a second I almost thought I was dead. More like dead tired as I somehow made my way to the airport for a 6am flight. But that is how life goes these days. My body is on automatic. I can make my body run 5 miles and it monitors its own pace 9 minute mile followed by 8:30 minute mile, followed by 8 min. followed by another 8 and then a 7:30 pace. At first I used to look at my iPod to monitor and now I can just run and my body goes on autopilot. Some people might look at my time and wonder why I always start slow and speed up. I think it has always been my running style to start early at a moderate pace and develop a rhythm and build endurance or power. I was always the way I ran when younger and I find that is what I do in my everyday life with work, problem solving, playing with my kids, etc. Its about getting into a state of mind that you can be happy with and not have to think about. Establish a pace and then power through my tasks with endurance.When I ran in school I used to start off near the back and then slowly pass the runners as the race wore on.
For me when I develop a pattern or rhythm with your life, the rest can come easier. That is where the passion comes in. For me my running is now no longer something I have to think about. When I run all I think about is what I want to do and what I need out of life. Yes, what are my passions. What am I running to and what am I running from on my nightly jaunts are my passions in life: my wife, my family, and yes, sometimes even my work thoughts and ideas can come freely. I run from my work politics and crazy commute drivers and I run to my wife and children as well as the freedom to observe things, gather lifes lessons and share in many of life’s pleasures
My wife has needed some cheering lately and I’ve been knocking myself out trying to keep her happy, keep the kids distracted and staying in rhythm. Part of that lulling rhythm I had fallen into was that is okay. I think physically she is okay. She is not necessarily pleased with the outcome from a cosmetic view. I don’t think many people look at their bodies after surgery and can ever be totally pleased. It will never be exactly the same. Of course, she’s happy that the cancer is gone. We all are.
Tomorrow is a new day, the weekend, a chance to keep the rhythm and pursue our passions.
And with that I am off to another run tonight. I will run to my passions and run away from the distractions of life that keep me away from those passions. The song at the top of this entry is part of my mantra right now and one of the songs I listen to when running with my iPod.
I love Opening Day. …It’s just a special day in our American culture. It’s weaved into the fabric of what we are, and I think it’s a great day. – Padres manager Bud Black
Opening Day 2009
I’m not a poet so maybe I never understood TS Eliot’s poem, The Wasteland, when he says that April is the cruelest month. It has always been one of the liveliest months for me.
Yesterday was Opening Day in San Francisco. San Francisco is not a sports crazy town and I didn’t grow up in a family where baseball and professional sports were considered anything but one of the many choices of entertainment. That said, I cherished those days when I got to go see a baseball game, a football game, etc. Moreso, I really enjoyed sharing the time and history with those I love. I remember the many games I saw at Candlestick Park with my dad (mostly football games during the 49er dynasty). In fact I remember having to look through binoculars to see everything and that is how my dad noticed I needed glasses.
They say Football is America’s Passion and Baseball is America’s Pasttime. I don’t know if my dad knew that those moments he spent with me on those cold windy nights (at the ‘Stick) were making such an impression on me. They were times where I sat there with my dad and talked between pitches and your dad casually passed on his knowledge of baseball and life in general (along with the hot dog, peanuts, popcorn and watered down hot chocolate). I don’t remember what we talked about, but it was about laughing and cheering for a cause and just sitting next to each other shelling peanuts for 3 hours. Going to those games with my dad stopped in my teens as my dad spent more time working to pay for our education and to enjoy his time on the golf course. Maybe he didn’t enjoy it as a dad, or life did get that busy.
When I got older and San Francisco opened what is now called “AT&T Park” (formerly Pac Bell and SBC and more affectionately, “the Phone Booth”) , I bought a couple tickets and was able to share “Opening Day”. I think it was the 2 years I spent in Chicago where the nostalgia really started coming to me and made me not just love the game on the field but everything that surrounds it. As I mentioned in a previous entry, I had the chance to take my dad to Wrigley Field to watch the Cubs on a warm Summer day, share in a Giants victory, and help the Cubs fans drown their sorrow at Murphy’s Bleachers in a plastic cup of Old Style before showing my dad some of the better watering holes and blues clubs that Chicago had to offer. Although by this time I was well into my 20s, it was the first time I felt like I was able to relate to my dad on an adult to adult relationship. I was well free of his financial backing, we talked about my pending marriage, my future, our family, and of course baseball. It was the beginning of a new course in our relationship , the adult-adult rather than the parent-child relationship, and from there I knew that baseball was more than just a game for me.
I have to give credit to the minister who did my pre-marital testing with the recommendations for the adult-adult relationship suggestion. He was very adamant that my wife start establishing that relationship with her parents as he could see that it would be a harder struggle for them to “let go”. Truth is, that it is harder to gain that respect of a parent. 15 years later, my wife still goes through that struggle. Ironically, yesterday my wife was handed a book by a family friend who heard about my wife’s illness. It is amazing how the “sisterhood” finds each other. The book is called “The Middle Place”. more appropriately it talks about the sandwich generation we are in where we are now adults looking after our sick parents, our children and ourselves and the author comes to realize she is no longer her dad’s little girl as she deals with her diagnosis of breast cancer. My wife read the cover and said she wasn’t sure if she could read it and I offered to read it for her, but told her it is something she will have to read because she needs this example. Another example of an adult-adult relationship – and defintiely very relevant. I know my wife doesn’t want to listen to me about this subject so I’ll sit tight.
Back to the subject of Opening Day, since the park had opened in 2000 I have been able to share the festivities with some of the more important people in my life on a one-on one basis (My dad, my mom, my brother, my wife, my best friend, my daughter, and my son). There is nothing like it. The pomp and circumstance, the hopes, the memories, the patriotism can be quite overwhelming. So on this Opening Day, it was a little different as I missed it for the first time in 9 years, as I listened in my office. My office though is located only blocks from the ballpark so at lunch I wandered over, grabbed a hot dog and a soda and watched through the “Archways” in right field. A great feature of the park is that for FREE you can watch the game from behind the righfielder. It is the best way to catch a Big League Opening Day in this economy. I stared across the way between innings to where I shared so many memories with my dad and others I’ve attended games with. Its not just the Opening Days but the hundreds of other games and conversations.
The walk back to my office was one of solitude. I had gotten my fill (yes the Giants won), but more importantly I had taken the people I cared for ( not physically) to the game with me and I shared those conversations again. It hadn’t been my intention to reminisce, but it just happened in the moment. Perhaps it was the text I got on the way to the game from my mom about her friend, “Mrs. E”, who had passed. “Mrs. E” had her own connection to me with baseball. Back in high school she picked me, this gawky geeky kid to entertain her granddaughter who was visiting from Kansas. She told me not to do anything “romantic” and that the girl’s dad was the police chief in their small town. Well 9 innings later we were dating and I was scared sh–less about the midwestern Sheriff who was going to kill me for corrupting his daughter. Truth be told I think she corrupted me but I can’t remember. What I do remember though is telling her about the art of hitting a baseball and showing her the smooth swing of Will Clark as she grabbed and held my hand. Amazingly she got what I was saying, or at least she pretended to. From there I knew I had to marry a girl who could hang with me at a baseball game.
Yes baseball and life have a fabric that is woven tightly in the American hearts of fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, and friends. I grew up on baseball and baseball grew up in me. While a full-blown adult, I can still go to the game like a kid and imagine I’m there with my dad or sit with my son next to me and my daughter on my lap and teach them about how to appreciate the game of baseball (because it is about appreciating life as well).
“Touch me. Take me to that other place.” – U2 lyrics from “Beautiful Day”.
I don’t subscribe to the TGIF motto. My father always worked 6 days a week and played golf on the 7th. Fridays were never an extension of the weekend and he always told me that weekends are two days for the common man, 3 days for the lazy man and 1 day for the man who takes life seriously. I’ve felt that people who said TGIF were coasting on Fridays. Well now that I have a family the 1 day weekend is no longer in my repertoire but the 3 day weekend is not something I’ve ever longed for. Fridays to me are always my most efficient days.
Yesterday Friday took on that TGIF feeling. it was one of those warm mornings in San Francisco where you put the top down and turn up the music. What played? Yep, my CD Player happened to randomly select, U2’s Beautiful Day. Work started with an informal BizDev breakfast in San Francisco’s SouthPark . I like going here in the mornings to have a casual coffee and chat about different ideas and network with other industry players. South Park is modeled after an English neighborhood and was once the home to the first real neighborhood in San Francisco. It then became what has been termed “ground zero” of the dot-com revolution and is now considered to be a leading player in the Web 2.0 movement.
I try to take one or two good ideas out of this gathering each time, but Friday it spurred some great ideas after some conversations with some attendees. With these new light bulbs over my head I walked back to my office in the bright sunshine and got into work (still the first person into my office before 8am) with a bundle of energy and a load of caffeine in my body. Before I new it I had already taken action with my new plan and was seeing results. I love it when change can be affected just like that. The morning and the afternoon flew by and one of my conference calls turned into a great opportunity that I cannot wait to see implemented by one of our partners. It isn’t often these days when two companies put money aside and focuse on proper execution and that is what we are doing. Hopefully it will succeed and people will take notice by the results we achieve.
By the time 5:30 rolled around I was able to “blow out” of the office. 5:30 is early for me and I was still one of the last to leave. These Fridays I am motivated by the chance to pick up my son from his late Friday baseball practice. Especially on this beautiful Friday afternoon I laced up some tennis shoes and threw on my glove and walked into the middle of their practice. I don’t care what anyone says, but meeting your son on a playground after work on a beautiful Spring evening and having him come running up to you and giving you a big hug just warms your heart and brings a smile to your face. He just smiled his big smile and said, “hey dad, can we call mom and get a pizza for dinner?” (Sure, what the heck!). We tossed the ball around practicing his fielding and working on his batting swing. This is the American Dream, is it not? We stayed a little longer after practice and talked about our days. I don’t know if he thought my day was as exciting as his, but he pretended to be interested. We picked up a pizza and had a nice family dinner full of smiling faces and lots of great kid stories. My wife had helped out at our school fundraiser which includes a luncheon for the school moms. It is one of the events she looks forward to every year at the school and although she didn’t say it, I think she was glad that cancer hadn’t interrupted her ability to attend. The event includes a big plant and flower show and she picked up a plant for the other mom in our class who is recovering from her cancer surgery earlier this week. [As an aside, our thoughts were interrupted this week with the news and an email from another family friend who found out she has breast cancer and will be having surgery on Monday]. For our household, bedtime is easy. Friday night was a funny one as we take time for our kids to read to us and we read something of our choice to our kids. It is our way of bonding with them. As my daughter read to me on this evening i fell asleep next to her on the bed. The next thing I know, she’s poking me in the cheek, ‘Daddy, you going to kiss me or what?” Oh boy, when she gets older, the boys are going to be in trouble (and so am I trying to keep up with her)!
So how do I end a “Beautiful Day”? A little 5 mile workout to clear my mind and an early bed time to rest it. It was another great run with my body feeling relaxed on a warm night. It was a great day to reflect on. It might just be another day in the book of my life, but it will hopefully be a good chapter when all is said and done.
“Spring is Nature’s way of saying, “Let’s Party” – Robin Williams, comedian
The first day of spring and hope was in the air. It is always a day where I start to see hope for people (of course the stock market took a bit of a hit yeesterday after a rally so not all is good). More importantly personally we waited for my wife’s results from her BRCA test. This test is to see if my wife has an abnormal BRCA gene which indicates a higher probability of having ovarian cancer. It has been found that those who have breast cancer and the BRCA are more likely to have ovarian cancer.
The average woman (without an inherited breast cancer gene abnormality) in the United States has about a 12% risk of developing breast cancer over a 90-year life span. In contrast, women who have an abnormal BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene have up to an 85% risk of developing breast cancer by age 70. Women with BRCA1 and BRCA2 abnormalities are also at increased risk of developing ovarian cancer. The lifetime risk is about 55% for women with BRCA1 mutations and about 25% for women with BRCA2 mutations. By comparison, about 1.8% of women without an inherited BRCA abnormality get ovarian cancer. The risk for certain other cancers may also be higher with BRCA1 or BRCA2 mutations. But these risk increases (for cancers such skin or digestive tract) are much lower than the increases in risk for breast and ovarian cancer.
This cloud has been hanging over our heads since last July, but obviously the figth with breast cancer came first. The thought of another surgery (given that we are having revision surgery on Monday) just isn’t something we wanted to consider right now. Well the results came and my wife is negative which is a relief and slightly expected since her mother was negative. It is quite possible though that since my mother had cancer that I could have pass it along to my daughter but we can’t test her until she is old enough and the oncologists said that she doesn’t need to be tested until she is 30 or so. Amazingly we shared the news via phone, talked about it for 2 minutes and then went back about our business. No celebrating, no hugs, no kisses. Just another hurdle that we’ve met and jumped over without incident. No doubt though, this was a big deal. Nobody wants to mess with their ovaries in their 40s. My mother-in-law had hers taken out in her 50s and I think psychologically it is a tough transition and although she is fine and have never really talked to her about it, it is something that affects you more mentally than physically. I know my wife was not wanting to follow that route.
We even remarked at here we are concerned about cancer and how in current events today, Natasha Richardson, a beautiful actress our age could have an innocent fall and one day later be lost to her family. People always say. “What if you got hit by a truck tomorrow…”. Well this is just one more reason to focus on living life to the fullest and not worry about every detail.
So with that Spring in our step I took the time to get out for a walk for lunch yesterday. A beautiful day for San Francisco with crisp clear skies, I sucked in the air, walked by the Martin Luther King Memorial fountain and pool in Yerba Buena Gardens where people were sunbathing, and read his quotes about his dreams. I passed by two Japanese tourists with matching “Have a Nice Day” T-shirts with those yellow Happy faces.
For those who remember the 70’s a vision of the ubiquitous yellow “happy face” is burned into memory. From every direction this cheerful circular icon extolled us to “have a nice day” and none of us was curmudgeonly enough to not strive for compliance. Along with “Hey the Fonz”, my OJ Simpson football jersey, my Willie Mays jersey and my Farrah Fawcett t-shirt, my “Have a Nice Day” t-shirt was part of my t-shirt rotation that I wore every day after tearing off my school uniform. I was even part of the lunchbag brigade that had white lunchbags with the yellow smiley face which read “HAND” (Have A Nice Day). Instead of the graffiti we see today, you saw Yello Smiley face stickers everywhere. You couldn’t escape it. My dad loved those lunch bags.
After a while they started having different sayings on those lunch bags and then it started getting expensive to just buy those lunch bags. Eventually my parents got economical (or cheap) and started going to brown paper bags for lunch that they’d expect me to use at least 10 times before they would retire it. Every night my dad would write a new saying on the bag. Something inspirational , but mostly something that our friends would snicker at like: “Take care of your body”, “Listen to your teachers”, “Share with your friends” or “Be humble as pie”. Needless to say, we’d hide our lunch bags from the view of our classmates, but once they knew it was all over. As funny or corny as it was, I obviously remember it fondly and maybe it is something I should do with my children by leaving a little message for them each day. Just seeing my daughter roll her eyes or seeing the funny smirk on my son’s face as he reads each message will be priceless.
Yes, hope springs eternal and the first days of Spring not only bring new energy and new dreams, but remind us of old ones that we need to renew.
Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to go now!” – Kenny Chesney
This Time's A Charm by Donald Wilhelm
Well I have the honor of being the last stop on Donald Wilhelm’s “This Time’s A Charm” blog book tour. Before getting into my interview with Donald below, I have to say that I wasn’t sure about reading another cancer book even if he had survived Hodgkins Lymphoma 4 times. Having lost a college roommate to cancer, watching my mom, cousins, aunts and most recently my own wife deal with breast cancer, another book on cancer just didn’t really appeal to me. I’d done a lot of research on my wife’s behalf to help her through her battle against breast cancer this past year and we are just beginning to get our post-cancer lives back. But such as life we find inspiration in all kinds of places from all kinds of people and all kinds of actions.www.thistimesacharm.com or click here to go directly to the Amazon.com purchase page. I have personally purchased an additional copy for a friend and fellow parent who is similarly diagnosed to Donald. If you haven’t read the previous blog tour entries, follow this schedule:
I found Donald’s book to be inspiring, insightful, honest, and just relevant to what I needed. In life I always look for inspiration to help myself and others, and for my mother and wife when they battled breast cancer I always pointed to Lance Armstrong and his mental toughness. There are other celebrity examples out there like Christina Applegate, Sheryl Crow and Patrick Swayze, but Donald’s story hit me not only as a good story about cancer, but a story about life. You see, although it helps, I don’t think you need to be someone touched by cancer to get something out of Donald’s book. Donald’s story doesn’t glamorize anything about his battle and survival which makes it more real and something that anyone touched by cancer or going through troubled times can relate to. Donald takes us through the cold reality of each one of his treatments and surgeries and provides a non-clinical view of what the patient goes through emotionally and physically. Better yet, what Donald does is=2 0typical of his personality. He doesn’t question things without giving his own opinion or answer. He always has his own solution for coping with what a cancer patient will go through.
If you are a Carpe Diem person, someone who believes in the power of positive thinking, or just finds inspiration in real life stories that give you that extra push to remind you about how much you need to respect life and all that surrounds you, then this book is one that I recommend.
I happened to finish this book as I took my wife for a Valentine’s Day in Las Vegas to see Elton John. For me this was my way of saying to my wife that we should get moving with life and start trying to put cancer behind us. It was my wife’s first trip, time away from our kids and time to think of her own pleasure and happiness. As I hit the end of the book and took in it’s messages as our plane descended into Vegas, I found myself nudging my wife and having her read passage after passage. I saw her smiling, nodding and crying as she read each page. She got it. It was time to start living her life
I’m not going to give away the key messages of the book because everyone will take something different from it, but I have some questions for Donald in an interview that will hopefully give you some insight to parts of the book that I really related to the most (especially as a caregiver).
Route53: Donald, let me just s ay that your story is inspiring on some many levels. Even without the message of surviving cancer 4 times I would have found your book inspiring. As a caregiver my first thought was to read who you dedicated the book to: Your wife Amy, friends, family and doctor. As I hit the end of the first page I had to recheck my facts. It talks about your wife Sara (not Amy). It always saddens me to read about a spouse who leave s their loved one at a time of need (What the heck happedned to “in sickness and in health”?). As I read about your separation and other parts of your life I seemed to notice you let people leave your life fairly easily. Is this just the way you wrote the book to not dwell on those matters? Were you not wanting to drag loved ones into your cancer world?
DW: Well, I spent a lot of time while I was isolated with the disease and really took the time to evaluate some of my “friendships” at the time. There’s nothing like a life-threatening disease to help you quickly sift through true friends from the others. What I found was that most of the people I had been spending time with seem to be “takers” and I was always the one that had to be “giving.” I came to realize how draining that had been on me and I knew it couldn’t not continue, nor should it. Life is short. I now choose to spend my time with positive-natured people who only add to my life and don’t detract
from it.
Route53: Although you have fought a strong battle on your own, for me there are three major people who were the core of your battle. In your book, you touch on surrounding yourself with the right people so I would like to focus on these caregivers. Let’s first talk about your choice of Dr. Jeff. In the book you talk about how you chose him. What further insight can you tell us about Dr. Jeff that you found was fitting for you, not just as a doctor, but as a person. Tell us about your relationship with Dr. Jeff today.
DW: Dr. Jeff is simply awesome. He’s very down-to-Earth, yet he is an excellent doctor who’s always up on the latest studies and research. I frankly have no idea how he has enough time in any given day to do what he does. Today, our relationship is as strong as possible. He respects me as a patient who runs his own healthcare team and I respect him as
the quarterback, counting on him to think out-of-the-box at times and run an audible if necessary.
Route53: My favorite person in your book is your cousin Dave, a totally selfless person (although I laughed at the halfway house he created for people and pets). Give Dave a big high five for me. He did more for you than most spouses do for their own loved ones who are suffering from cancer. He just seems to be a guy who puts everyone before himself. Tell us about Dave and the relationship you have with him. What makes him special in your mind that allows him to just give all he has to anyone. Were you two very close before the cancer arrived?
DW: Dave and I were close before my diagnosis. I always said we were part cousins, part brothers and part best friends. I can’t tell you what makes him tick, because honestly, most of the time I’m left scratching my head trying to figure him out. But the one steadfast quality he has, that everyone knows about, is that if you’re in need you can and should count on him.
Route53: Your second wife Amy is obviously a special person to you and helped you with much of the shaping of your life as it is today. My college roommate got married to his highschool sweetheart while he was suffering from cancer as well. If I could have changed one thing about your book, it is that you would have found Amy 5 years earlier. You talk about how Amy didn’t flinch when you told her about your cancer. Tell us what it is about her that is different from your first wife and your other relationship that you had during your battle with cancer. Perhaps Amy knew what she was signing up for in a relationship with you? Is it that she has dealt with cancer before? At the same time, what made you ready to let someone new close into your life at that point in time?
DW: Amy really is an incredible person. She has a heart of gold and simply loves to help other people. But the reason that she was able to stand by me, no matter what, is that she truly understands that none of us are guaranteed any amount of time in this life. Most people say things like, “well, you never know when you’re number will be up.” But I find that when push comes to shove, these same folks panic and cower in fear of death. Amy understands death and isn’t overly afraid of it. That being said, she maintains a healthy zest for life and we live each day to the fullest. Like Kenny Chesney said, “Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to go now!” 😉
Route53: We had the same issue as you with the psychiatrist. When my own wife chose to see a psychiatrist before her bilateral mastectomy, I asked if that doctor had gone through cancer and she hadn’t. At that time I told my wife I didn’t think she needed this woman’s advice. It was the first appointment I didn’t go to with my wife and she became so anxious after her visit that she had to start taking Ativan again. I just want you to know that you would make the perfect psychiatrist for cancer patients. Have you realized that you have become the answer for what you yourself needed? I noticed on another blog that you are continuing to help with Dr. Jeff’s patients.
DW: Actually, that’s a great way to put that. I do, now, know that the answers I need were inside of me all the time. I have simply learn to ask different questions of myself, thereby making the game of life a bit easier to win. And why wouldn’t we do it that way?
As for me becoming a therapist, I kinda already view myself as such, but in a very informal manner. I’m trained by life, and my advice is simple and hard hitting. In fact, this is the reason that I wrote my book. So that whomever needed or wanted to fully understand my story, could just pick up a copy and read it at their own pace. I’ve found most people have been reading it multiple times and gaining more perspectives from it each time.
Route53: Chapter 11 and the catchy title you give it was that rough point in your battle. In a way I looked at it as an almost necessary evil. My feeling is that everyone hits that point in their recovery. Maybe not as reckless as you became, but I’m sure there are people who can relate to that chapter in some small way. Like you I believe in experiential learning. I’m sure you got something positive out of that time of your life. Can you share with us what experiences or learnings you got out of that time of your life helped shape your philosphy today?
DW: I think the most important lessons I learned from that period of my life was to watch your emotions and actively managed them. It’s hard for me to really remember that time of my life and what I must have been feeling inside. I must have been very lonely. Fortunately now, I know that I’ll never end up in the place again.
Route53: You ask your readers to read Dr. Phil’s “Self Matters” and Rhonda Walker’s, “The Secret”. Do you have any other good inspirational books or articles that we should read? Have you be en inspired in your battle? If so, who has been your inspiration?
DW: I’d definitely recommend Anthony Robbins’ “Now Awaken the Giant Within.”
Route53: What have you personally gained from writing this book that you didn’t expect or maybe were not quite expecting?
DW: Great question Erik. Well I’d say the biggest surprise is my readers’ responses to it. I was hopeful that everyone would like the book, but the depth of the feedback I get is overwhelming at times. My book seems to touch people in a way that really makes a positive and LASTING impact on their lives. That’s an incredible feeling for me!
SUMMARY: If you want to purchase This Time’s A Charm, please go to: www.thistimesacharm.com I have personally purchased an additional copy for a friend and fellow parent who is similarly diagnosed to Donald. If you haven’t read the previous blog tour entries, follow this schedule:
“This Time’s a Charm” Cancer Blog Book Tour Schedule
I have just finished a book by Donald Wilhelm called “This Time’s A Charm”. Its about Donald’s fight to survive cancer 4 times and beat the odds. To me this is more than a cancer book but a personal philosophy book that I think anyone should read whether you’ve had cancer or not. I am part of Donald’s blog book tour (the last stop) and hope you all can follow along:
“This Time’s a Charm” Cancer Blog Book Tour Schedule
I will publish more on my thoughts and feelings as well as ask Donald some questions that will be published on 3/1 right here along with Donald’s answers.
To know the road ahead, ask those coming back – Chinese proverb
Crossing the Golden Gate
This weekend I was driving across the Golden Gate Bridge early in the morning and listening to John Legend’s “This Time”. It was a crisp morning and we were on our way to our son’s basketball game. It was a family moment with our two children in the back seat, but as my wife turned up the volume and sang along, it became her moment and we all listened. It is hard to explain the feeling when you listen to someone is appreciating what they have and is inspired by their own journey. My wife never has been one to turn up the volume, but the song and the beauty of the morning sun gleaming off one of our country’s iconic monuments probably hit her. I quickly captured the moment with my camera phone.
During the game I pulled out a copy of “This Time’s A Charm”, a book that I’m reading by Don Wilhelm, 4 time cancer survivor. I’ll be part of his Book Blog tour which I will be part of during the beginning of March. Don shows the power of positive thinking. He does not claim it will heal all people, but I personally believe it affects those around you to see such a strong attitude when things are at their lowest. I will write more about the book in the future, but I sat next to one of the other dads on the team. He has lymphoma and has been suffering for three years and I know it has taken a toll on his family and his life. I’ve asked myself if I should offer the book to him to read, but it is not my place.
Back to my wife we took the weekend in stride and went after life. We fixed things in the house like the broken lighting in our bathroom. We also arranged our next vacation, played with our kids and let them help decide where we should go next. We want to expand their life experiences while they are young and innocent. Our lives are touched and we are grateful for all that we have. Despite my wife’s positive prognosis and people telling her how inspired they are by how she has responded, she has (and so do I) felt that her battle is nothing compared to what others have been through or are going through. This weekend my wife heard from an online friend who has the same physicians and it always reminds her that she is one of many and that her struggle is still ongoing. At the same time we heard from my wife’s brother than he and his wife are having their second child, a girl, this summer. Along with my inlaw’s 50th wedding anniversary, this is shaping up to be a pretty eventful summer!
Tonight we watched the 60 Minutes special of local hero Chesley Sullenberger, the captain of US Airways flt 1549 that landed safely in the Hudson River with all 155 passengers and crew surviving. He said in the interview that he didn’t think what he did should be warranting so much praise, but he understands the gratitude and is still learning how his actions can be so lauded even though what happened to him is something he had always wanted to avoid (losing a plane). It is so amazing that what this guy did was such a success and textbook yet he felt so bad and questioned his actions as to whether he could have done better. To me that is the parallel. This man is just trying to make his path, his road down life and yet everyone is looking to him as an inspiration. It isn’t just the 155 lives he saved that day, but all the people who were inspired by him and all the lives he affected through the relatives of those 155 people who are still alive today.
For me this week the road will continue and I will look forward to hearing and observing new stories that help me navigate this world and help me educate my children as to the importance of living life to the fullest.
You make me want to lose myself in the mysterious distance between a man and a woman – U2 (A Man and a Woman)
Blossoms at Yerba Buena Gardens
The skies were dark and ominous this morning as I drove to work. As it started to sprinkle I noticed the trees along the sidewalks had started to bloom. The cherry blossoms along Japantown looked gorgeous and popped against the gray skies. They had a strong glow about them. Maybe they had been glowing for a couple weeks and I hadn’t noticed them until we got our first storm clouds of the year. It is amazing how such beauty shines through even more at the darkest of times.
These are curious times in the economy and everyone seems to be more on edge than normal. You might say there are dark clouds everywhere, and not just in the sky. I even overheard a homeless man here in San Francisco today tell a lady that he was better off than her because he didn’t have a mortgage or rent to pay. So true that we should get heckled by homeless people now. My own company has had layoffs and no matter who you are these days, people are worried abour their jobs. I hear it, see it and feel it. Even though I had an outstanding year there was still a nervousness going over my weekly call. In reality, I had nothing to worry about, but in these times you never know (and one of my colleagues was actually let go today).
Despite all of this I still manage to slow down and smell the roses. Or in this case I was looking for the analogy to my drive to work. Was I capable of finding the cherry blossoms in my life against the dark sky? It made me think about some of the stories I’ve read recently as well as my own. The story of Chad Moutray and his daughter who now must move on with each other and their memories of their wife and mother. They are each other’s cherry blossoms. Last year despite all of the surgeries and doctor’s appointments, my wife’s beauty just showed brighter than ever to me. I don’t think it has shone brighter and it has been there all the time. We’ve known each otherfor over half our lives, but sometimes the dust gathers like it does on a lightbulb and you need to wipe it off and you suddenly realize that 60-watt light bulb is really 100 watts. I think in hard times like this the dust comes flying off and that dark room is radiated by the beauty that exists.
My wife had her oncology appointment and monthly shot today. It was a little painful this time she relayed to me. The O/S pellet they shoot in to here is something she’ll have to get used to and hopefully the side effects will lessen. The wait is still what kills her as they were running 2 hours late. Good thing I gave her a bunch of magazines for the waiting room. There were no reports on her ability to metabolize Tamoxifen yet, but the side effects seem to indicate that she is okay with Tamoixfen and her cholesterol seems to be declining. My wife loves to go into details running through her lab reports and every last minute of conversation she had with her nurses. I laugh at her that it is more painful to me to hear her detailed reenactments of the day than to get a needle poked into me. Listening to her get a shot is almost as bad for a guy like me who is squeamish about needles.
The day before, she had her meeting with her plastic surgeon to go over any adjustments she is going to need in March. It was one of the appointments I missed because I was traveling. Of course she forgot to mention the ONE thing I wanted her to speak about and we laughed. Same old wife…she doesn’t listen to her husband. Maybe that is what keeps her young!
In the end, the day came out beautiful. I was able to get home and see my kids for the first time in a few days. Additionally despite the very mundane conversation I had a chance to spend some time with my cherry blossom in my life.
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
— Winston Churchill
The Santa Monica Boardwalk this evening
I have always sought inspiration through true life stories. I guess I never thought it would come from my life partner.
Those who know me and see me every day will tell you that over the past year I’ve lost over 10 pounds, ran over 1200 miles last year and can run a 5k faster than I did 20+ years ago when I was in highschool and college. That might seem trivial to those who exercise daily, but ever since I’ve graduated from high school I never had the drive for long periods of time to work out religiously and take care of myself. Why now? How do you find that kind of drive?
Last year when my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer I was down, but my wife told me to make sure I kept running. The week after she was diagnosed I remember watching Forrest Gump with my children and there is this scene where his love, Jenny tells him, “If you ever get in trouble, don’t try and be brave. Just run.” There is a scene where Forrest doesn’t know what to do and starts running. I’ve been doing the same, although I ran with purpose. My wife is my inspiration.
We all get inspired by bigger than life stories. The pilot who saved 155 people by landing his plane in the Hudson, the new President who is breaking many barriers, the man who risked his life to save an unconscious mom and her two toddlers from a burning home, etc. Sometimes we see movies like the first one I ever saw called “Brian’s Song” that had cancer involved and get inspired for the moment or for a period of time.
But when we live with someone who inspires you on a daily basis it changes you. My wife has to take pills every day, get shots once a month and every day think that there still might be a cancer in her body that might come back to haunt her. Yet every day, she kisses me, makes breakfast, smiles and goes about her work. All those pills, shots and everyday worries are not something she shares with me unless I ask. I don’t ask because I want her to feel like life is as normal as can be as that is the way she wants to live it every once in a while. She wants to put away that she is a Cancer Survivor. She doesn’t want to be treated like she’s handicapped. How can you not be inspired when the person who shares a bed with you every night does so with smile on her face. She’s had two surgeries and is staring a third in the face, yet she is wanting to bring it on. She’s had 14 hours of anaesthesia in less than 6 months. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have those hours missing from my memory.
The other night she caught me staring at her sleeping before I went to bed. I wanted to soak in her peacefulness, her beauty and my appreciation for her to still be with me and our children. She asked me if anything was wrong and I just smiled and she gave me that knowing kiss that all wives will give when they know you appreciate them. It’s the same kiss you get when you stand before all your friends and family the day you get married and state your love for each other.
Today I am off away on business again. Away from my family. It hurts to be away knowing my wife is still not 100% yet, but she’d not want it any other way. Tonight I had a chance to visit the Santa Monica Boardwalk (see photo). I told my business partner (no offense) that I wished it was my wife with me instead. She deserved this sunset on this beautiful evening more than I did.
