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Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Stand Up 2 Cancer (4 days to go) – Final meeting with Reconstruction Surgeon

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“Be your own miracle”

– From “Stand Up” by Beyonce Knowles

Four days to go and the reminders seem to be all around us.  There were women walking in all shades of pink around the city in their Walk against Breast Cancer.  Our daughter asked why mommy was waiving at them,  “Because I am one of them and they are walking for me”, she said.  Then tonight was a major event for the organization Standup2cancer.org.   I think it was a landmark event.  It took just an hour but it was a fundraiser to bring ALL cancer research together.  Some crazy stats:

  • Cancer takes so many forms and one person in America dies from cancer every minute.  
  • Every other person in this world will have some form of cancer 
  • 500,000 Americans will die of cancer this year (1500 each day)

I actually watched the show alone as it was uplifting to the point of shedding a tear.  My wife is going through so many emotions right now we agreed to Tivo it and let her just watch it after the surgery.

I also didn’t go with my wife to her last meeting with the reconstruction surgeon.  I just thought it better that she ask her own questions and give her my questions on paper (of course she didn’t ask them).  I mostly worried about her balance and how steady she might be although I know most people are walking around the next day.  He had some good recommendations about relieving the pain and making sure not to let the drains hang too low as that is why they are painful.  He said that ticket holders (hey my profession comes in handy) are great to put them in  so they don’t pull on your skin.  He also said that the tissue expanders aren’t as painful as some people think.   It was a relatively short meeting so I think it came out okay.  My wife had a few other personal questions about the recovery but the doctor seems to have given her all the right answers or at least the ones she wanted to hear.  He told her that most of his work would be done two weeks after the surgery and just to watch under the bandages for any swelling or infections (redness).

At the end of the day we are exhausted once again, but it always is nice to catch up.  It has become our daily ritual to check in with each other and see where we are mentally.  She’s still a bit anxious, but more anxious to get this cancer out of her body and move on.  Me, I feel like I’ve been managing the emotions of two people and she knows that.  I told her that I’d rather be on the table next Tuesday unconscious because I don’t think I can spend 5 hours waiting around.  I’ll need to buy a new pair of running shoes.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

“What are you thinking?” (5 days to go) – A Loving Fight

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Energy and persistence conquer all things.
Benjamin Franklin, Inventor

Apple iTunes

I’ve been asked how I view this blog.  Well I view it as therapy as well as a resource for husbands with wives who have breast cancer.  I’m not the same as every husband and I know I am unashamedly more sensitive than most guys, but heck I need support too.  All of us do.  The problem is that guys in general don’t open up and tell you how they are doing or feeling.  In fact at yesterday’s meeting with the psychologist she offered an opportunity to attend a husband’s support group.  I don’t think I’m ready for that personally.  Also, contrary to popular belief, guys sitting around talking about their wife’s breasts just seems a bit peculiar.

In fact, this blog is a bit funny in that I’m actually finding this a great opportunity to speak my mind to strangers, yet when my cousin found my blog, I was a bit weirded out.  it got too personal.  I asked one of the other husband’s from school who has been a great resource and he said, “Yeah, I felt like everyone was staring at my wife’s chest for months.  I told myself she was now a priceless piece of art, the Mona Lisa.  People were now required to look at her through 2 pieces of bullet proof glass from a distance and pay an admission fee.”  We chuckled and he told me I’d get used to it and that all the craziness and drama would go away as soon as I reached Stage 2 (post Surgery) and Stage 1 (The Wait) was over.

As the days lead closer to the actual surgery, we are being inundated with appt. emails (as well as calls from our next two presidential candidates (McCain and Obama) and our awareness of everything “cancer” is showing up.  I notice the pink ribbons more, I notice more stories of other people with cancer.  In the restroom at the mall was a series of posters for Searchforthecause.org. Looking at my own community I thought about not only my mother and mother-in-law and realized that I have 6 women related to me (including cousins and aunts) who have been affected by breast cancer.  There are even more when I broaden my community to friends, neighbors and our school.  Then I saw this televised concert tomorrow on CBS featuring Beyonce and just diagnosed actress, Christina Applegate, along with cancer survivors Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong.  There is a new song called Stand up and you can buy it on iTunes to help benefit cancer research.

Apple iTunes

Yes, cancer seems all around us and I am having trouble focusing myself these days as well.  I’m definitely in a good state and need to revisit my benefits on what I want to get out of this.  There are definite gentle reminders in life to revisit your priorities and this is one of those times to do it.  As Ben Franklin, said, “Energy and Persistence”.  I have to get through it the next 5 days and we’ll be right there ready to start living a life of moving forward with new conviction.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

The Psychologist Visit (6 days to go) – A Loving Fight

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“Stay focused and keep the course.  Keep doing and stop thinking. Especially stop overthinking.”

Today was the meeting with the psychologist.  Actually this is the meeting I dreaded because I don’t know how you can meet with people for one day and drop advice and hope that people take it right.  It was also a meeting we didn’t have to take , but my wife said , “Let’s just go and listen”.  It has actually thrown my wife off kilter.  She hasn’t been able to stay on task at work all day and it has created more worry in her life.  My wife was fine for the most part and now I had to undo what the psychologist did…..and of course, listening to my advice is not what my wife likes to do.

There were some good parts of the visit.  The doctor first encouraged my wife that distraction is good and that what we are doing is right with her continuing her work.  She also told my wife to start some breathing exercises so my wife doesn’t become dependent on Adavan (sp?), a drug my wife has been taking to deal with some anxiety.  They don’t want you to become too dependent upon it.  Then things got worse when she started reminding my wife of things that she didn’t need to remind her of and telling us how to handle other matters that we’ve already taken care of.  What the heck?!!!

I have taken the responsibility of worrying about things for my wife and making sure that she doesn’t dwell on things and throw herself into a depression and suddenly this “Quack” does that. We were definitely in good spirits all the way until this psychologist starts telling my wife of people of longer recoveries than expected, kids who have been traumatized, and other roadblocks that we have discussed in the past, but have agreed to be prepared for, look out for, and deal with them when the time comes.  This psychologist might have been trying to talk to us as if we were unprepared when everyone has told us so far that we were more than prepared. Argghhh!

It took a few hours, but I’ve gotten my wife’s mind focused back on other things.  She’s in a good way.  We spilled our anger over the psychologist’s thoughts and said, here’s what we will listen to…and the rest is “Quackiness”.  We’ve refocused on the good points and are at piece.  We laughed because my wife’s month long cough is finally gone.  Definitely an anxiety cough and something the psychologist did say was likely a product of stress and even possibly the medication.

Today was the first day of school and there was some sadness for us.  Two young families in the school with us lost parents this summer.  One lost a father to an aggressive pancreatic cancer and another lost a mother to breast cancer which had metastasized into her liver.  We had seen her all summer at the pool with her young sons and were saddened to hear of their loss. 

At the same time, we are so grateful to have a wonderful core group of parents that we have told who have already approached us with help, food , etc.   Such amazing people and we are so happy with our school community.  They will watch out for our children to make sure that they seem okay with what is going on at home.

Hey wait…was this more of a distraction? I guess we somehow got distracted by more events and other drama, my wife got a lot of work done, our kids seem pretty psyched about school and soccer practice and our first games this weekend!  5 more days of this!?  Aiyyee!  Somebody needs to distract me!

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

“Dad, is mom going to be OK?” – A Loving Fight

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“Stay Focused.  We’re almost through the hard part of waiting.”

The waiting is almost over, thank goodness.

I have this little puzzle that sits on my desk which has 8 pieces that lend to success in the business place: Teamwork, Imagination, Knowledge, Determination, Optimism, Leadership, etc.  Fighting cancer has been a little bit like that.  I’ve called this section of the blog “A Loving Fight”, but like a heavyweight boxer, we haven’t even begun.  We are one week out from her surgery and are still in the training phases.  We can stop waiting and start recovering.  Waiting is also a misnomer as we’ve spent the last month preparing.  The “knowledge” piece of the puzzle is what we’ve been working on to prepare us.  We’ve been stocking up on meds, food and pillows as well as getting those nagging little errands done like fixing the car, fixing small household projects and other things which would be pushed aside over the next several months.  It’s crazy, but our home has never been more efficient.  My wife is finishing off a monster project that has been a godsend as it has preoccupied her mind.

Me?  What have I been doing?  I’ve been gatehring all the information I can.  Breastcancer.org has been a great resource for information.  The forums have also allowed me to communicate with other peopl in our similar situation.I really do need to thank everyone there.

This week we have our final consultation with the surgeons as well as a psychological visit.  I do think she needs the psych visit as she has had a nagging cough since her biopsy.  It does however go away when she sleeps and when she is running around doing something exciting.  She only gets it at night when she relaxes.  So I do think the cough has to do with her anxiety.

We’ve managed to keep an even level of emotion in the household so it was a bit of a shock while on a walk to the store with my 8 year old son he asked me, “Dad, is mom going to be okay?”  I stopped and told him everything would be all right and gave him a big hug.  He’s always been wise beyond his years.  He then asked, “Are you going to be okay?”.  I hugged him and said, “We’re all going to be okay”.  When we got home, he vacuumed our whole house which made us smile.  I have to admit that if any of you remember the show, “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father” starring Bill Bixby, I felt like I was living in an opening episode of one of those shows.

School starts tomorrow so the kids will now be bable to preoccupy their minds with friends, teachers, soccer and schoolwork.  Anyone who says having kids take years off of your life needs to laugh and spend time with ours as they are going to be a big part of our healing process both physically and mentally.  They have a lot of things going around in their tiny little heads, but they aren’t immune to the situation.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Skin-Sparing Mastectomy – A Loving Fight Against Breast Cancer

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“Inspiration comes in many forms.  Let’s keep our eyes open.” – Today’s email to my wife

Actually something less formal like “Keep on Truckin'” might have been a more appropriate word of the day as we headed into this Labor Day weekend.  We are both working the late shift getting major projects done and trying to keep our lives as hectic (normal) as possible.  We still keep getting the “How are you doing” phone calls which we politely respond to, but then have to cut short not only because we are so tired of telling everyone, but also because we have so much to do before the surgery.

The surgery itself is fairly new but even moreso is the reconstruction.  The following photos from Breastcancer.org describes the basic procedure:

Skin-Sparing Surgery Image from Breastcancer.org
Skin-Sparing Surgery Image from Breastcancer.org

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A pink line indicates “keyhole”–like incision

B pink highlighted area indicates tissue removed at mastectomy

The major difference for my wife is that the “A” incision will be done above the nipple and not around the nipple thus sparing the nipple as well.  We were told that this can only be done if the nipple has not yet been exposed to the cancer as some tissue is left around the nipple.  This is a surgery more recommended for women who are early stage.  My wife was also told that she did not have enough tissue from other parts of her body to pull from her tummy or her back shoulders so this was probably the best way if she wanted reconstruction.  Each side takes an additional 45 minutes.

Many husbands might be adverse to the feel etc of implants, but for me I think this is the woman’s choice.  Many believe that reconstruction will best leave them with a mental state that will help them adjust to life after cancer.  This is truly the woman’s decision and I think that every spouse or significant other should try to stay out of the reconstructive decision and not pressure their spouse to do it.  While I wanted my wife to choose reconstruction, I feel better that it is her choice that she made and fully understand her reasoning.  I also think the doctors believe it is the right decision for her and she is making it for the right reasons.

I know some people might  think I’m full of baloney on this, but one of most inspiring stories I ever witnessed was that of Dave Dravecky, the SF Giants pitcher who lost his arm to cancer.  I happened to attend that game when he lost his arm.  I heard it snap.  I cried for him and still cry when he comes back for Giants reunion games. It wasn’t just any arm , but a million dollar arm that earned him a living.  Did he choose to wear a prosthesis? No.  He says sometimes he still dreams that his arm is still there.  But that is not the end of Dave’s story.  he has gone on with his life as a pitching coach and inspirational speaker for those not only diagnosed with cancer, but those he need to be inspired even when they lose something so important and identifiable as who they are.

While my wife’s chest is not the same as a pitcher’s arm, for her it is part of her identity internally.  Only she knows that and there is no way I will be able to relate to that.

At the same time, my wife is wondering how I can be so unselfish about this.  She has always laughed about my infatuation with the human drama of sports.  I do have a bit of a ridiculous man-crush on my idols, Jerry Rice and Joe Montana and she never got it.  I often told her the story of Dave Dravecky and his inspirational life.  She never got it until now.  Now she knows how I feel about her.  Things do come full circle and our inspiration can come from many places and might have been with us all along.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Peace & Quiet – Creating a Calm Before the Storm (A Loving Fight with Cancer)

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“In peace, we shall find solitude and in solitude we shall find clarity.  In clarity we will gather the strength we need to succeed.”

Yesterday was abstinence day.  No talking about “it”.  We spent our first full day of not worrying about “it” or planning for “it” or thinking about “it”.  We needed a break and my wife was surprised at how easy it was to really immerse herself in life.  Kids, school, work, etc. all just seemed to be more rich. 

This morning I showed her the article on breastcancer.org which talk about how a positive disposition led to 25% less risk of cancer.  Kind of a silly article.  I’m sure more depressed people smoke and drink or have bad eating habits that are not good for you, but I don’t think it means that having a good disposition can heal you.  We do agree that when struck by such bad news that a negative attitude is not a fighting attitude.  There is no gain to our children in being depressed when hit with adversity.  Showing our children how we move through difficult times with a level head is one of the best lessons we can teach our children.

We still are monitoring our children daily for signs of stress and are keeping the conversations away from them.  We have decided that i will get them used to me or other people taking them to school so that they aren’t worried the day mommy goes into surgery and really won’t know until after it is over.  As for our social activity, we have been running ragged getting vacations and other things done as we feel like we might be limited in that way for the next several months.  But we aren’t social butterflies anyway so we have learned to start saying no to people and trying to keep our schedule pretty clear until the day of the surgery (actually the day before the surgery).  In fact people have been asking me how I can remain so calm.  I really can’t say that I am.  I’m still feeling tired during the day.  There is a layer deep inside me filled with adrenalin worrying about my wife.  I’m finding myself being tired everyday when I get home.

 I know this is a tangent, but we’ve been getting lots of inquiries about our surgery that my wife will be undergoing.  It appears that my wife’s skin-sparing mastectomy surgery is a little different.  I will be writing more about it tomorrow.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Telling people about your cancer (TMI) – A Loving Fight

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“Save your energy and emotions and let me be your voice.  People can be frustrating, but they mean well.”

My wife and I need to develop a communication plan. First she is getting hit with lots of questions from all the people she has told and secondly,  she is getting inundated with those three major questions which are slightly uncomfortable: 1) Are you going to have a mastectomy or lumpectomy?  2) Are you going to get reconstruction.  3) What size do you think you’ll get?

Hey people?  She’s got cancer?  How about waiting to see?  I know we all have a curiosity factor, but come on!  My wife has been pretty good about this, but our communication strategy has broken down and she doesn’t know how to stop it.  So from now on she is just going to tell people that she is waiting to see what the doctor says.  Well that is partly our fault.  We don’t need to tell everyone.  We don’t want pity.  We want something else.  Well what is that?

Really, the key to all of this is to create a vision. 

We’ve broken it down to: 1) Immediate Family, 2) related family, 3) close friends, 4) School and work social circles, and 5) casual friends.  Only 1, 2, and 3 we are telling about the surgery for sure.  Only #1 needs to know the details of scope and such.

As I mentioned, we have a vision and my wife have discovered this vision as we’ve met people that have had cancer and are helping us.  Every time we find someone has had cancer, we are shocked.  We say, “Wow, you look great!  We never knew!  When did you have it?”  Every time we do that there is a joy in their face!  They know that we are genuinely surprised and are happy that they are healthy and doing well.  It is so much better than the sorrowful look of having to tell people you have cancer as they look for away to ask if they can help and then clumsily ask too many questions.

So we are working on our cancer epitaph.  What do we want people to say to us when we kick this thing.  We want high 5’s , wows, and congratulations.  That is what we want and are going to strive for.  We are only telling people who can help us and that need to know.  No need for sorrow or pity. 

Now be sure to get back to me here on this.  I’m going to come back to this section in November and hopefully we’ll be getting those pats on the back.  They are so much better.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Mood Swings, MRI Results – Fighting Breast Cancer

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“It’s time to focus not only on the opportunity we have, but how we can improve.  It’s also a time to communicate openly”.

Every day brings new results, new problems, new hope, etc.  Every day we run into someone else we tell about the cancer and they offer their help.  It is also a time to spot the problems in your relationship.  The pychological impact of living with cancer is now starting to really creep into our relationship.

I hate myself sometimes.  How can I argue with my wife who is struggling with cancer and is about to face a key life event?  I want so much for her to be happy, but obviously this cancer is creating tension that strains the fabric of your relationship.  We have always noted our issues in our marriage, but in times of crisis, these small things get magnified.

Our basic problem is the same as everyone else.  You’ve seen the commercials where the husband and wife go shopping and asks for his choice on color for shoes, and other items and whatever he picks, she goes with the other?  Well that is our life in a nutshell.  To be honest I am okay with this on most matters of trivial decision-making.  In fact, I’m partly to blame as I’ve always been attracted to neurotic people.  My dad used to say “It hasn’t been easy” when asked about his marriage.  I’ve never wanted the storybook marriage,.  I want excitement, challenges, change, etc.  My wife has given me all of that and I find many of her quirks very endearing,  but these days my frustration is growing as I try to be helpful.  My wife is asking me which doctor she should go to and choosing the other one, asking me which reconstruction size she should try and going with the other one and on and on and on……I finally lashed out last night and told her that if she wanted to go this alone, then go right ahead.  I told her I was the one feeling like he was on an island and if she had a choice, then don’t ask me anymore.  I wasn’t sure if she was disagreeing with my choices or really choosing what she wanted.  I didn’t want her to choose the wrong one because it had become a habit to go with the other choice.  In the end, I didn’t need to be disagreed with, but rather just have her choose what she wanted.  I told her that this is no longer a game and that I can’t take the rejection along with the stress.  I’m here to provide support but not at the expense of being bashed against the rocks.

Was I being selfish?  Insensitive?  Fortunately my wife came around and apologized.  I told her this has to stop completely.  Not just now, but after 20 years of this, I was flat broken down.  We can’t be like this and revert back to our bad habits when we are faced with this life crisis.  We made up, but it made us both think.

I reminded her that we have to start dreaming again like we said we would do at the beginning.  Separate dreams, big dreams, long-term dreams would help us.  We also needed to work on eliminating some of our faults, our unnecessary habits, and other things which we waste our time and effort on each day.  It was just the contrarian in my wife.  She never rejects my thoughts maliciously.  She just always likes to see the other side of the coin. If my glass is half full, hers is half empty and vice versa.  Some say that we are perfect complements to each other.  Well sometimes being black and white isn’t always the best.  Being gray together helps bring the harmony.

Well we were at least dragged out of our despair with a great email this morning from her canecer surgeon.  She wrote that my wife’s MRI came back clear on her nodes and both breasts other than the cancer we’ve identified.  This increases the chances even more that my wife will not require any sort of chemo, radiation or other unlikely road bumps that will alter her recovery.  The last hurdle will be the final pathology of the cancer and the nodes which occurs post-surgery.  We’re almost there at the top of the mountain it seems and yet we haven’t even started to get our harnesses on.

We are now on a high again on that emotional roller coaster.  The energy is flowing for both of us.  we can now get back to work and focus on being productive in life, work, and our marriage for the next two weeks.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

15 days and Counting – Preparing for our Fight against Breast Cancer

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“You know you are in Love when the other person’s individual happiness is more important than the desires you have for the two of you together.”

It is still over 2 weeks to go and we are still waiting for MRI results.  That’s a good thing I think.  We’ve gotten into a good routine and my wife has refocused her mental energy on work and the kids.  I am personally struggling with how to keep things together for the 2-3 weeks where I will have to carry 100% of the physical action while also maintaining a full load of work.  I don’t want my kids to feel like we are tossing them around to other people to drive them everywhere.  My 8-year old son is already getting a little clingy with his mother.  The kids have been excellent though understanding that mommy is going to need them to help out.  I’ve avoided telling them the exact day of the surgery as I don’t want to stress them out the morning that i take them to school.  We’ve basically explained this as another business trip for mom except that she is going to be exhausted for a couple weeks when she gets back.  These next two weeks they are practicing “staying out of mom’s hair” while mom gets work done on her projects.  They are growing up through this process fairly quickly, but after it is all over we are going to have to help them become silly kids again.

Yes, mental distractions are what we are continuing to strive for as we try to remain busy.  My wife told me a few things she is going to do in the next couple days that I would normally have said “No” to, but right now I just want her to keep happy.  The other day I finally awoke to a birthday and didn’t realize it was that day until I got a call that afternoon.  Suddenly if dawned on me that I was definitely distracted by my concern for my wife that normal everyday events which are important to me were no longer a priority.

My wife commented to me last night as we watched the closing ceremonies that having the Olympics on the last two weeks really helped to challenge her inner spirit.  It wasn’t just the stories of Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt, but the stories of age over youth (Jeannie Longo and Sara Torres), overcoming tragedy (Hugh mcCutcheon), unbearable pain (Zuzana Thomas), handicap (Natalie du Toit), and a year long struggle and grieving for the loss of a loved one (Matthias Steiner) that have inspired her that the mind can heal and drive you to greater things if you want them.

I told her she can have whatever she wants.  We just have to start thinking about what those things are.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

More Waiting – A Loving Fight against Breast Cancer

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“The mind is a powerful tool.  Let’s use it to distract and heal us during these trying times.”

As a distance runner, I often found that when the pain hit my legs and abdomen that I could often find something else to focus on to either motivate me or distract me from the pain my body was feeling.  My wife is still feeling the anxiety.  She has developed a cough but I noticed that it goes away when she is not sitting still.  We did a family outing yesterday to a baseball came and her cough magically disappeared.  The same thing happened when we went out that evening with friends.  But as we went to bed, the cough was there again along with her Ricola lozenges.

Still, she is worried.  As I mentioned before, her doctor ordered her a chest X-ray which revealed clear lungs just to make her feel better.  We also had more meetings.  She went in for an optional Genetic test to see if she is a carrier of a rare gene that studies have found is carried my patients with breast cancer showing a predisposition for ovarian cancer.  If your mother had breast and ovarian cancer, it is very likely (50%) that you might have it as well.  We are waiting on that test result.  My wife also had her MRI of her lymph nodes and other chest.  Usually this would have taken place before the meeting with the plastic surgeon, but the scheduling gods were not with us.  There was nothing that could be seen from the initial peek at it, but we will have to wait until tomorrow to hear the results from her doctor.  Hopefully it will be more good news and everything will continue to go as planned.

In the meantime, my wife and I have decided that she needs to get distracted and keep her mind off of things.  She has taken on a huge consulting job that she is going to throw herself into during the next couple of weeks.  I took the kids out today so that she could work on the project, get the kids away from her for a bit and immerse herself.  It gives her something different to talk about and to keep her mind working over the next 12-14 days.

As for me, those runs are distracting me too from the pain.  Only now I can only think of my wife as I go for my runs.  How much I love her,  how much I respect her, and how much I want her to pull out of this better than ever.  Tonight I ran double more normal run as I missed a turn as I was so distracted by my own thoughts.  My body felt good and strong.  I guess the mind really is the most powerful healing tool in the body.