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Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Happiness and Longevity

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Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life.
– Burton Hills
Longevity & Happiness
Longevity & Happiness

Dressing for work these days is not the same as it was 20 years ago.  Back in my days on Wall St. it was about the power tie and the pinstripe blue suit.  Now in the world of techology it is about the right jeans, the coat, the shirt that goes untucked, no tie.  Yup, that’s how you dress to impress.  I remember that first day on the job in NYC when my mentor looked at my suit and told me we were going to leave early and he was going to take me to Barney’s down in the garment district.  He had the tailor fit me with two suits, some shirts and some ties, 4 pair of socks and a pair of brown shoes as well as black shoes.  He paid for it all.  I was shocked, but years later I figured he expensed it.  I appreciated the effort but dressing up was never my thing.  I always wanted to dress appropriately,  but not to impress.

Yesterday  morning I threw on my cool jeans and found one of my fitted dress shirts I had worn once before for a party.  I forgot the shirt needed cuff links and scuffled around for something to insert into the cotton holes.  I found an old box of my dad’s cuffs and picked out two old fashioned ones with Chinese characters that I could not read.  When I got to work I forgot about the cuffs.  I scuffled through a few phone calls and a slew of emails until one of our foreign engineers spotted me getting some water and smiled saying , “Long Life and Happiness”.  I looked at him inquisitively.  He pointed at my left wrist and said “Long Life” and then my right, “Happiness”.   I smiled.  That was appropriate.  I now was dressing for success. And I had my dad, the man who gave me all of my life’s rules right there to guide me.  Such simple words and yet so powerful.  On my left wrist I also wore my yellow Livestrong wristband.  Live Strong and Long Life on one hand and Happiness on the other.  It felt like those days as a kid when my dad gave me those notes of wisdom.  I stared at my wrists as I ate lunch.
Quite frankly I haven’t been happy about many things lately even as I try to maintain a positive attitude.  I feel overworked, overburdened and have very little time to contemplate, smell the roses and share some quality time with my family.  Staying up late is one of the few times I can empty my mind and take care of the things I need to for my family.  What I really need is a good primal scream.  Can you do that in a blog?  I”ll try and do it quickly.  I need to realease the tension in my life.
Please skip the rest of this entry if you don’t want to read my negativity!  I’ll be better in my next entry, but I need to do this in order to honor my dad’s wishes of Longevity and Happiness!  Okay, plug your ears and close your eyes!
1. My son’s music teacher is a complete nerd who needs to get a life!  He’s worse than an abusive sports nut coach!
2. Comcast is so incompetent!  Why can’t they just come to my house and fix the problem!
3. What the heck are the city planners doing by narrowing the boulevard I’m living on yet adding traffic?!  Someone’s going to get killed!
4. Someone want to give me a raise or help me win the Lottery? …Please 😉
5. Will my mother-in-law please enjoy life and not torment her daughter?
6.  Dear protesters, stop blocking my streets!  I respect your voice but hate your methods of communication.
7. Dear politicians, stop wasting our money and time!
8. (Quietly looking skyward) Do not put my wife through cancer again.
9.Someone out there…I need 30 hours in a day! (2 more hours of sleep, 2 more hours of work, 2 more hours to spend with my family!)
10.  Vacation Gods…where are you?
Okay.  Feel better now.  Time to go to bed.  Longevity and Happiness to all!
Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Business - Affiliate Marketing, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

It’s About Nothing!

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“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.” – Jerry Seinfeld

You might have noticed I slightly altered the tagline about this blog.  I’ve been debating it since I had a conversation with a good friend a couple of weeks ago.  He was interested to learn I had a blog and wanted to know what it was about.  We’ve shared many of life’s details that we haven’t shared with our own wives so he wanted to know more about the phenomena of blogs.  After I told him, he laughed.  We both love the comic, Seinfeld.  He didn’t have to say it.  He knew what my blog was about….

Below is a work of semi-fiction.  The names have been changed (or not). If you followed the show, Seinfeld, this blog entry might sound familiar.

 

seinfeld1

 

(At a Keith Urban Concert)

BUD: So you write these entries about your life in a blog and people read them?  I think that is pretty ballsy.  I think that is interesting.  Maybe I should write a blog too.

ROUTE53: Really? Well I can help you.

BUD: So, if you have any idea for a blog for me, well, let me know.

ROUTE53: I’m not sure if you can write about your legal clients, but I’d be very interested in something like that.

BUD: Well, that is attorney-client privilege so I don’t think I can.  Maybe something else.

[They listen to Keith play “Sweet Thing”]

ROUTE53: Well let me know if you come up with something.  Just tweet me.

BUD: Tweet you?  Is that like, give you a ring?

ROUTE53: Um …never mind.

BUD: I’ll read your blog and see if it inspires me.

 [Two days later BUD and Route53 meet at the local Peets]

BUD: I’ve been reading your blog.  Why do you do it?  It’s kind of public.

ROUTE53: I thought I’d write down my thoughts.  It keeps me honest with myself.

BUD: For what?  I mean, it’s kind of boring reading that you ate oatmeal again.

ROUTE53: It’s for me first, but if you find my life interesting, go ahead and read it.  You don’t have to.

BUD: So it’s a blog about your everyday life?

ROUTE53: Yeah, I guess so.  I’m getting old and have lots of thoughts.  Sometimes I want to step back and remember them.

BUD: Yeah, but eating oatmeal.  How could that possibly help you?

ROUTE53: Well, let’s say someday I get accused of a crime and the police ask where I was on this day and time?  I can read my blog and tell them I remember because I ate oatmeal with Flax seed and that night I was at a country music concert with you.  Well, because nobody would ever believe that story.

BUD: Come on, how hard is it to make it all up? It’s all fiction. Look at all the junk that’s on TV.
You want an idea? Here’s an idea. You’re a butcher. And you’re married. And your son is a vegetarian and you’re pushing him into the business.  That would be fun to read.

ROUTE53: Why should I care if my son doesn’t eat meat?

BUD: Because you’re a butcher. It’s only natural.

ROUTE53: But meat is not for everybody.

BUD: I know, but he’s your son.

ROUTE53: So what?  Besides you hit the nail on the head.  Look at the junk on TV.  It’s all reality TV.  Well my blog is reality me.

BUD: All right, forget that idea, it’s not for you….Okay, okay, I got another one. You’re bankrupt because of the recession and you auction your life treasures on eBay.

ROUTE53: Yeah and…?

BUD: And people buy your junk and you get involved in their lives wanting to know if your items are getting good homes

ROUTE53: What person who runs an auction on eBay gets involved in people’s lives?

BUD: Why not?

ROUTE53: So someone bids on some my old comic books and all of a sudden I’m
getting them to tell me their life stories?  I could see if I was a pharmacist because a
pharmacist knows what’s wrong with everybody that comes in.

BUD: I know, but online auctions are very popular right now.

ROUTE53: No they’re not, they used to be.  It’s all about Web 2.0 and social marketing

BUD: Oh yeah, like you know.

ROUTE53: Oh like you do, you’re a lawyer [Route53 Tweets the whole conversation]

[STEINBERG enters Peets]

STEINBERG: …And you’re the manager of Cirque du Soleil.

ROUTE53: [Looks at BUD]  You told STEINY about my blog?

[BUD shrugs his shoulders]

STEINY: Come on, this is a great idea. Look at the characters. You’ve
got all these freaks on the show. A naked Asian woman who contorts herself into a pretzel? I mean, who
wouldn’t tune in to see a headless man with an umbrella; a mute clown; underwater acrobats.

ROUTE53: I don’t think so.

STEINY: Look ROUTE53, web blogs aren’t about boring lives.  People want to read about the nuts of the world.

ROUTE53: I don’t think people will go for it.

STEINY: Why not?

ROUTE53: Look, I’m not about writing about freaks.  I’m writing my everyday thoughts about the people around me.

STEINY: Oh come on ROUTE53, you’re wrong. People they want to watch freaks. Look at Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. This is a “can’t miss.” [Queue laugh tracks and fade to commercial]

[Later that week at The Butcher and The Chef in San Francisco’s South Park]

BUD: So, what’s happening with your blog? You come up with anything new?

ROUTE53: No, nothing.

BUD: Why don’t they have Acai here?

ROUTE53: What do you need Acai for?

BUD: Everyone’s doing Acai in America.

ROUTE53: I know, my wife makes me drink an Acai shake every morning. You know why? Because people like to say “Acai.” “Excuse me, do you have AH-SAH-EE?” “We need more acai.” “Where is the Acai? No Acai??”

BUD: You know its crazy that first it was ginko biloba and now it’s acai.”

ROUTE53: “Don’t you know the difference between ginko biloba and acai?? You can’t order an Acai bagel at Noah’s Bagels.”

BUD: That’s not Acai, that’s Asiago.  It’s a Cheese.

ROUTE53: See, that’s a blog entry.

BUD: What?

ROUTE53: This. Just talking.

Bud: (dismissing) Yeah, right.

ROUTE53: I’m really serious. This is what I blog about, my everyday life.

BUD: Just talking? Well what’s great about that?

ROUTE53: Yep, that’s what my blog is about.  My life.  It’s about nothing.

BUD: No story?

ROUTE53: No forget the story. It’s about the people and it’s about sharing experiences with similar people who find me

BUD: You’ve got to have a story, don’t you?

ROUTE53: Who says you gotta have a story? Remember when we drove to Santa Barbara and Herbie broke down and we spent the night in King’s City in that creepy motel? That could be a blog entry.

BUD: And who is in the blog?

ROUTE53: Me, you, everyone.  I spend find minutes with someone and I’ll be writing about them.

BUD: Great, but can you fictionalize me?

ROUTE53: You?

BUD: Yeah. You could base a character on me, but not write about me, per se. 

ROUTE53: So, in my real blog, there’s a fictional character named BUD?

BUD: Yeah. You can call me Art Vandelay, the architect. There’s something wrong with that? I’m a character.  People are always saying to me, “You know you’re a quite a character.”

ROUTE53: And who else is fictional in my blog?

BUD: STEINY could be a character. STEINY..

ROUTE53: Now he’s a character. (Pause) So everybody I know now has a fictional side to them?  I don’t think so.  This is about my REAL life.

BUD: Alright, have it your way.  Write about nothing.

ROUTE53: Thanks.  You really think so?  Nothing? I guess I’ll have to re-title my blog again.

BUD: Absolutely nothing.

ROUTE53: So you’re saying, I continue to spend my days and write in my blog about nothing.

BUD: WE write about nothing.

ROUTE53: “We”? Since when are you my ghost-blogger?

BUD: (Scoffs) Blogger. We’re talking about the web.  You think Internet Geek Girl writes all her own material?

ROUTE53: You want to go with me to WordPress?

BUD: Yeah. I think we really go something here.

ROUTE53: What do we got?

BUD: An idea.

ROUTE53: What idea?

BUD: An idea for the show.

ROUTE53: I still don’t know what the idea is.

BUD: It’s about nothing.

ROUTE53: Right.

BUD: Everybody’s doing something, we’ll do nothing.

ROUTE53: So, we go into WordPress, we tell them we’ve got an idea for a blog about nothing.

BUD: Exactly.

ROUTE53: They say, “What’s your show about?” I say, “Nothing.”

BUD: There you go.

(A moment passes)

ROUTE53: (Nodding) I think you may have something there.

[ROUTE53’s apartment]

(ROUTE53’s explaining BUD’s idea to STEINY)

ROUTE53: So, the show would be about my real life. And one of the characters would be based on you.

STEINY: (Thinks) No, I don’t think so.

ROUTE53: What do you mean you don’t think so?

STEINY: I don’t like it.

ROUTE53: I don’t understand. What don’t you like about it?

STEINY: I don’t like the idea of a character based on me.

ROUTE53: Why not?

STEINY: Well it just doesn’t sit well.

ROUTE53: You’re my colleague. There’s got to be a character based on you.

STEINY: That’s your problem, buddy.

ROUTE53: I don’t understand what the big deal is.

STEINY: Hey, I’ll tell you what – you can do it on one condition.

ROUTE53: Whatever you want.

STEINY: I get to play STEINY.

ROUTE53: You ARE STEINY.

STEINY: I am STEINY.

ROUTE53: But you can’t act.  It has to be the real you.  This isn’t fiction.

STEINY: Phew!

[ WordPress reception area)

(ROUTE53 and BUD are waiting)

ROUTE53: (To himself) Acai, Asiago. Hey, excuse me, you got any Acai? No, not Asiago, Acai. (BUD doesn’t react) What’s the matter?

BUD: (Nervous) Nothing.

ROUTE53: You sure? You look a little pale.

BUD: No, I’m fine. I’m good. I’m very good.

ROUTE53: Why are you nervous?

BUD: No, not nervous. I’m good, very good. (A beat, then he snaps) I can’t do this! Can’t do this!

ROUTE53: What?

BUD: I can’t do this! I can’t do it. I have tried. I’m here. It’s impossible.

ROUTE53: This is just a blog.  We don’t even have to tell them.  You’re supposed to just write it!  Besides, this was your idea to be part of my blog.

BUD: What idea? I just said something. I didn’t know you were going to listen to me.

ROUTE53: Don’t worry about it. They’re just an internet social platform.

BUD: They’re men with jobs, ROUTE53! They wear Crocs and drink way too much Acai.

ROUTE53: I told you not to come.

BUD: I need some water. I gotta get some water.

ROUTE53: They’ll give us water in there.  In fact, they have free soda and catered lunches.

BUD: Really? That’s pretty good.

[ WordPress‘s Conference Room]

(The WordPress Network staff are all talking with ROUTE53 and BUD)

Staff Member #1: (To ROUTE53, laughing about one of his bits) The bit, the bit I really liked is your hiding in your cruise stateroom hiding from the horny 65 year old ladies. Now that’s funny.

ROUTE53: Yeah, it’s one of my favorite life events.

Staff Member #2: I was touched and felt for your wife’s battle with cancer and all the stories of other survivors.

Staff Member #3: I like hearing about how you make money on the web with affiliate programs

Staff Member #4: I think your life in San Francisco is worth reading about.  And the fact you drive a beetle named Herbie with a big “53” on it.

StaffMember #2: What about you, BUD? You have any funny stories?

BUD: (Quickly making it up) Well, possibly. I wrote an off-Broadway show, “Dos Hermanos.” ..Actually, it was off-off-Broadway. It was a comedy about two Mexican entrepreneurs.

ROUTE53: Oh, it was very funny. There was one great scene with the CTO- what was his name?

BUD: Pepe.

ROUTE53: Oh, Pepe. Yeah, Pepe. And, uh, he was making a Facebook Application.

Staff Member #3:Oh, he actually wrote code on the stage?

BUD: No, no, he tweeted it. That’s what was so funny about it.

Staff Member #4: So, what have you two come up with to talk to us about?

ROUTE53: Well, we’d like you to feature our blog.  We’ve thought about this in a variety of ways.  But the basic idea is I will just write about my life.

BUD: (Interrupting) May I?

ROUTE53: Go ahead.

BUD: I think I can sum up the blog for you with one word: NOTHING.

Staff Member #3: Nothing?

BUD: (Smiling) Nothing.

Staff Member #3: (Unimpressed) What does that mean?

BUD: The blog is about nothing.

ROUTE53: (To BUD) Well, it’s not about nothing.

BUD: (To ROUTE53) No, it’s about nothing.

ROUTE53: Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something.

Staff Member #3:What’s the premise?

ROUTE53: Well, as I was saying, I would blog about myself, and, as an internet entrepreneur, living in San Francisco. I have a family, friends, and co-workers, which is all true.

BUD: Yeah, but nothing happens on the blog. You see, it’s just like life. You know, you eat, you go shopping, you read. You eat, you read, You go shopping.

Staff Member #3: You read? You read on the show?

ROUTE53: Well, I don’t know about the reading. Maybe blog about blogging.

Staff Member #3: All right, tell me, tell me about the blog entries. What kind of stories?

BUD: Oh, no. No stories.

Staff Member #2: No stories? So, what is it?

BUD: (Showing an example) What’d you do today?

Staff Member #3: I got up and biked to work.

BUD: There’s an entry. That’s an entry.

Staff Member #3: (Confused) How is that an entry?  If you Tweet that, will people read?

ROUTE53: Well, uh, maybe something happens on the way to work. And yes it would be more of a Tweet than an Entry.

BUD: (scratching his head)  No, no, no. Nothing happens.

ROUTE53: Well, something happens.

Staff Member #3: Well, why am I reading it?

BUD: Because you’re following me and you’re my “Friend”.

Staff Member #3: (Threatening) Not yet.

BUD: Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I’ll tell you
something else, this is the show and we’re not going to change it. We’ll just put this on Blogger (To ROUTE53) Right?

(A moment passes)

ROUTE53: (To Russell) How about this: I manage Cirque du Soleil……?

[Later at Peets]

ROUTE53: I don’t even want to talk about it anymore. What were you thinking? What was going on in your mind? Artistic integrity? Where, where did you come up with that? You’re not artistic and you have no integrity. You know you really need some help. A regular psychiatrist couldn’t even help you. You need to go to like Vienna or something. You know what I mean? You need to get involved at the University level. Like where Freud studied and have all those people looking at you and checking up on you. That’s the kind of help you need. Not the once a week for eighty bucks. No. You need a team. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock thinking about you, having conferences, observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man. That’s what I’m talking about because that’s the only way you’re going to get better.

BUD: . . . I thought the woman was kind of cute.

ROUTE53: Hold it. I really want to be clear about this. Are you talking about the woman in the meeting? Is that the woman you’re talking about?

BUD: Yeah, I thought I might give her a call. I, I don’t meet that many women. I meet like three women a year. I mean, we’ve been introduced. She knows my name.

ROUTE53: IT’S COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE!

BUD: Why? Maybe she liked me. I, I mean she was looking right at me. You know, I think she was impressed. You know, we had good eye contact the whole meeting.

ROUTE53: Oh, I forgot to call STEINY.

BUD: Wait a minute let me call her.

ROUTE53: No, no this is more important.

BUD: She might be leaving to work any minute.

 [BUD and Susan enter]

BUD: Hello, oh, hello. You remember, … Susan, from WordPress

ROUTE53: Of course. How are you?

SUSAN: Fine, it’s good to see you.

BUD: And this is STEINY.

SUSAN: Hello.

BUD: All right go ahead Susan, tell him.

ROUTE53: Tell me what?

SUSAN: Well, I, [phone rings]

ROUTE53: Uh, sorry, Excuse me one second. Hello.

TEL: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.

ROUTE53: Oh, gee, I can’t talk right now. Why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you later.

TEL: Uh, I’m sorry we’re not allowed to do that.

ROUTE53: Oh, I guess you don’t want people calling you at home.

TEL: No.

ROUTE53: Well now you know how I feel. [Hangs up]

BUD: Well, go ahead, tell him.

ROUTE53: STEINY, are you drinking that milk?

STEINY: Yeah.

ROUTE53: What’s the expiration date on that?

STEINY: April 1st.

ROUTE53: The 1st?

BUD: and SUSAN: The 1st?

STEINY: Um, Uh, ugh, …

SUSAN: Noooo… [STEINY throws up on Susan]

[Peet’s]

BUD: I never should have brought her up there. Should have known better. Should have seen it coming. I didn’t see it coming.

ROUTE53: I think SHE saw it coming.

BUD: You know she was behind the idea. She was going to champion your blog. That’s what I was bringing her up there to tell you. And she liked me.

ROUTE53: Look just because STEINY vomited on her doesn’t mean the blog is dead.  I can still write the blog.

BUD: What, are you crazy? It’s a traumatic thing to be thrown up on.

ROUTE53: Vomiting is not a deal breaker. If Jobs had vomited on Wozniak, Wozniak still would have given him Apple.

BUD: Well, write your blog about nothing.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

My Life With Laura – Book Blog Tour Interview

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Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Author Chad Moutray and his daughter Charlotte
Author Chad Moutray and his daughter Charlotte

 I am proud today to host Chad Moutray, author of My Life With Laura: A Love Story, on my blog today. Chad is on a blog book tour to promote his book and this is his 6th stop to spend some time discussing his book. While the book details his courtship, wedding, family and then their battle with his wife’s breast cancer, I am going to focus on his efforts as a male caregiver as I am the only male on his book tour and I hope to shed some insight on “the other half” of breast cancer. 

I’ve always said, Route 53 is a blog of my journey through life and while I say each of us has our own journey, we often run parallel with others for part of that road.  Some of us drive fast along that road and others a little slower. These roads are what I call life stages and are created by life events.  Chad and I have separately shared a life event as both of us became caregivers for our wives who had/have breast cancer.  Unfortunately breast cancer seems to be all around us these days days (statistics say 1 in 8 U.S. women will have breast cancer in their lifetime). You might think nothing of it, but in Chad, I found someone who not only went the extra mile for his wife, but truly lays his soul out there for everyone to read in his book.  Sadly, the book does not end happily as Chad’s wife lost a valiant battle. 

 In his book, Chad provides us with the often forgotten perspective on not only the fight against breast cancer, but the emotions surrounding the co-survivor or surviving spouse.  As I read the book, I had to read it away from my wife as it was so easy to put myself in Chad’s shoes.  His story could very easily have been my own.  I hope that other men read it and think of how they would react or want to react if they were put in Chad’s shoes.  Below is my interview with Chad about his book:

Route53: Chad, we’ve shared some chats and emails in recent months.  I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but first let me say that I didn’t know Laura, but have met many “Laura and Chads” over the past several months and am sorry about the loss of your wife and Charlotte’s mother.

Chad Moutray: Yes, sadly, there are too many people in our same situation.  That is why I think that this book has been so well received.  Thank you for your condolences for Laura’s passing.

Route53: Let’s first talk about the inspiration for the book.  I know you say that this book was written for your daughter Charlotte so that she could read about her mom before the memories faded and maybe got a little distorted.  As I read the book, I couldn’t help but see another purpose.  This book was written for many and not just Charlotte.  I read it as a place to put all your love and memories in a safe place so that you could move on.  Maybe in a cathartic way.  How much of this book would you say today (besides Charlotte) is this book for you, for others fighting the battle against cancer, for her family, and for her friends?

Chad Moutray: My original thoughts for the book were to help Charlotte better know her mother.  In fact, the book in dedicated to her, who was two-years-old at the time that I started writing.  (She is now almost four.)  But after I started writing, several friends and family members told me that they wanted to read my book when it was finished.  I had a log of pent-up demand, each of whom was anxious for my to publish my memoir so that they could read it.  In that way, I began writing the book knowing that it could be read by many people, some of whom I did not know.  Since its release, I have been proud of the fact that so many people have appreciated the book and have been inspired by Laura’s strength and faith in battling her breast cancer. Yes, I found that writing the book was therapeutic for me.  In the months after Laura’s death, it gave me a project to work on during those quiet moments in the house.  It also allowed me to reflect on the times that I spent with Laura, both good and bad, and more importantly, it provided me a forum to put my thoughts on paper.  I would encourage anyone going through a loss to start writing, whether they make their words public or not.

Route53: For me, the hardest part of the book was reading Laura’s journal entry to you and about what she wanted for you and Charlotte.  My wife felt close to doing the same thing so I felt like I was reading my wife’s own letter.  When did you first read that entry and how much does it enter your mind to this day?

Chad Moutray: Men, of course, are taught to never read their girlfriend’s or wife’s journal, and I did not open them until after Laura’s death.  I was surprised by many of her entries.  She expressed her thoughts on daily life, her frustrations with motherhood and then in battling breast cancer, and her religious inspirations.  Some of these entries were difficult for me to read.  I was particularly touched by the letter that you cite, but mostly, I was surprised at its timing.  She wrote about her desires for Charlotte and me after her death … but it was written over one year before she passed away at a time when the thought of this was far from most of our minds.  While I did not read this letter until later, much of it sounded familiar, as she and I had discussed some of it in the months before her death.

Route53: Every woman who finds out she has breast cancer remembers the phone call or the doctor giving the diagnosis.  I think husbands do remember too.  I know I do and I know you do.  I often get women who write me saying they wish their husband was as supportive and I always think that the moment you hear is when you know how you will be.  You and I both took that step forward instead of back   To what do you attribute your strength in the face of Laura’s battle with cancer?  What made you the supporting husband that you were?

Chad Moutray: I would refer to two things.  First, I remember my grandfather growing up.  My grandma had a number of heart attacks and was often hospitalized. He remained a beacon of strength throughout her ordeals (despite the fact that she survives him by almost thirty years), and it left an indelible imprint for me on the role of the “man” in such situations.  You are to be a “rock” – someone who everyone looks to for support.  You can see much of this in my actions during this time.  In public and in front of Laura, I was that “rock” even when I was privately hurting inside.   Second, like Laura, I relied more and more on my faith, growing more spiritual as time progressed.

Route53:  What would you say Laura’s battle with cancer taught you about yourself?  Has it changed you or your actions at all?

Chad Moutray: It changed me forever.  I am a different person today than before.  Yes, life goes on, and it has for me.  But, I have a different outlook, and I feel compelled to “give back” to the many people who were so helpful to us during our struggle.  In some ways, the book also is my expression of this.  I tried to write an honest book that showed the true challenges of battling cancer, and in that way, it appears to have helped or inspired some of the cancer families who have read it.

Route53: You mentioned that you hid your fears from Laura and when you did open up, she tried to protect you.  I found the same with my wife.  According to a US News and World Report story, they say the men who are successful in coping as breast cancer caregivers for their wife do two things:  1) Rather than try to be “fixers”, they lend an ear to help with coping and 2) They share everything together.  What are your thoughts on that?

Chad Moutray: As the “rock” that I mentioned earlier, I never let Laura see my emotions.  In hindsight, that was probably a mistake.  Laura would have preferred that I had expressed myself more to her.  Had I done that sooner, she might not have tried to protect me later. 

Route53:  As Laura’s primary caregiver, what were your main resources of information about Breast Cancer that you think would be helpful for other spouses?

Chad Moutray: I relied on information from books, handouts, and the Internet.  Laura, to be honest, relied on these sources even more than I did.  But, my most important source of information was the doctors themselves.  I tried to go to as many of the doctors visits as I could.  This allowed me to show my support for Laura, but it also ensured that I knew as much about her treatments and progress as she did.  Sometimes, the doctors provided an enormous amount of information during a short visit, and she would often comment that it was good to have two sets of ears listening to it.  

Route53: If you could pick one thing, what did someone do specifically for you, the caregiver, to help you through the year and half fight against breast cancer?

Chad Moutray: We had tremendous support from family and friends.  Our church, for instance, was always there providing meals, rides, care for Charlotte, or someone to talk to.  I cannot see how we would have been able to do all that we did without this support.  In later months, we relied on lotsahelpinghands.com to post our needs, get volunteers, and communicate Laura’s progress.  This was a godsend which helped ease the burden of caring for Laura at a time when her health continued to deteriorate.

Route53: When I read the book, I was amazed at all that you accomplished in just a year and half of cancer in your lives.  Can you point to one moment or thing that you did that made you feel that you made Laura’s last days on this Earth richer and less painful?

Chad Moutray: Laura did not let cancer stop her from doing things, and our oncologist supported her in this.  We went on a number of vacations, including to Aruba and two other beach trips in the summer of 2007.  These trips were a lot of fun, and Laura looked forward to each one.  She was also the type who put things on the calendar hoping that we might go to them.  One of those was a wine tasting event at Mt. Vernon, George Washington’s home, in the fall of 2007.  By that point, Laura was in a wheelchair, but she still wanted to go; we went on a double-date with another couple.  It was our last date together, but one that I will never forget.  (This story is not in the book.)  She clearly life to the end.

Route53: Sometimes “bad husbands” who abandon their wives when they can’t handle the stress give men a bad name in the fight against breast cancer.  Actually a 1999 Canadian Study called, “Marital Stability After Breast Cancer” found that there was no difference in divorce rates and separation  when looking at similar groups of men with wives who had breast cancer and those who did not.  Stories like yours obviously give men a better reputation.  If you could give advice to other men (and wives) out there who are going through rough times in their battle, what would you tell them?

Chad Moutray: Life does not always go according to plan, and it is easy to say the cliche, “That is not what I signed up for” and call it quits.  Laura and I met, fell in love, got married, and had a child; it was the typical life plan.  But, then it changed, and life became difficult.  Many of our friends went on to have second or even third babies, and Laura was secretly jealous of them.  Cancer was not what she signed up for either.  We were a young couple and kept hoping for a miracle. When things deteriorated, it was not easy; I prayed for patience, and I was stretched thin.  To be honest, though, I never considered abandoning Laura.  After she passed away, several women came up to me and told me how impressed they were that I stayed with Laura until the end.  The comment surprised me.  I loved my wife, and Laura and Charlotte needed me too much.

Route53: Last, please give us an update on Charlotte and your state of mind.  Have you fully been able to move on?  Now that it has been over a year, have you seen any emotional scars for Charlotte?

Chad Moutray: Laura will always be in my mind.  Charlotte will guarantee that; in addition to being Laura’s daughter, she looks exactly like Laura.  Such a constant reminder makes it difficult at times.  Yet, life moves on.  Writing the book helped a lot, and after several months, I began to date again.  This was awkward at first, but easier now.  It helped that Laura was so insistent that I move on and find someone nice to help raise Charlotte (even to the point of trying to set me up); the fact that she said this to so many people made it easier for others to accept my dating, as well.  As far as Charlotte, she is adjusting to full-time daycare and is doing okay.  She still talks about her mother and can tell you that her mother died from cancer … but has no idea what cancer is.  Someday, I hope that she enjoys my book and learns about how fun her mother was and how strong she was.  

Route53: Chad, once again, thank you, Laura, and Charlotte for sharing your story with all of us. I know that I have found much empathy and inspiration from your story. Chad’s book can be purchased here: http://www.lulu.com/content/1828195

 Please continue to follow the blog book tour by following this link to the schedule:

 http://moutray.wordpress.com/2008/12/15/blog-book-tour-schedule/

 Addendum to Post:

Every book means something different for each person.  Although my wife suffers from breast cancer, I read it as a love story.  Even the parts about cancer were about love for me.  Below is an excerpt from an email I shared with Chad after finishing his book.  I hope you all find his book as inspiring as it was for me:
  
I just wanted to let you know that I finished the book.  I admit that I did not feel comfortable reading anything after your eulogy as those letters I feel are words for Charlotte.  I have to say that the book read faster for me once I got to her part with cancer.  Perhaps it was that it was all so familiar to me.  My feelings were similar to yours in many ways and reading her journal entry to you was tough for me.  I hope you don’t mind , but I have discussed your book with the husband’s group at our clinic as you have gone through and they are experiencing many things that I did not have to endure.  I’m also going to pass the book along to one of the fathers at our school who lost his wife at the beginning of the school year leaving he and his two young sons behind.