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Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

A Warm San Francisco Holiday To All

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Happy Holidays
Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays Everyone,

Before everyone takes off on their vacations from their virtual world, I just thought I’d wish you all a very Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwaanza, etc.  Please be safe if you are traveling this season!

As I pushed through the chilling temperatures and blustery winds of San Francisco during my run last night I kept reminding myself of those cold December nights I’ve spent in New York City, Chicago, and Pittsburgh.  Nothing will ever compare to those cold bitter nights when I wore long underwear under my wool suits and wondered why I left my “City by the Bay”. I do remember telling myself that I would remember those days so I would appreciate San Francisco that much more when I would eventually return.   Although cold, my run was dry and I ran down the festively lit shopping areas of Sacramento St, Fillmore St., California, and Clement St. distracting myself with the observations of the decorations people had in their windows.

While the glittery lights were dazzling and the quietness of the air still reminded me of how our economy is not quite back up to speed, the most warming images of my run were of the people. 

First, there was the elderly couple walking together with their arms around each other as they left their party at Spruce Restaurant (http://www.sprucesf.com). They stopped and kissed saying “I love you” and touching their foreheads together in the middle of the sidewalk as I dodged them.  It was a split second of our paths crossing but it was a beautiful image.

Second, there were the two inebriated young ladies in their short cocktail dresses stumbling out of the Elite Cafe (http://www.theelitecafe.com/) before crashing to the ground.  I say crashing because they fell backwards into me as I ran behind them.  Fortunately I caught one before she hit her head on one of the tables outside. They were inebriated because as the cabbie and I helped them to their feet, neither of them could pronounce their destination.  I laughed when she said they were going to New York.  A great guy, the cabbie, a little Frenchman in his beret and scruffy clothes had me and one of the waiters watch him as he helped one girl open her purse to find her address. She kissed his scruffy face as he pushed her back into the cab.  “Welcome to Christmas on the Barbary Coast”, he said as he tipped his cap to us while mentioning one of the many long-gone nicknames of San Francisco.  I think I ran a whole another mile before the whole incident washed behind me, turning towards home.  The cab driver reminded me of the kindness of people at this time of year.

As I passed by San Francisco’s only 24 hour Starbucks in Laurel Village (yes I love running by it at night just so that I can get a whiff of the caffeine aroma) a bunch of Fire Engine’s raced by me.  Looking for an alternate route, I followed their sirens.  A Portable Potty had been set ablaze nearby.  This has been the work of arsons as dozens have been set on fire over the last year.

Not wanting to end my run on a negative note, I continued on and started  to notice a pattern that is so familiar this time of year.  I had been seeing it over the a past week as cars and taxis pull up in front of homes and the dwellers come out to greet and hug a family member returning home.  The tears of joy and happiness really signify what this season is about and while the images weren’t exactly Norman Rockwell-esque, they told the story.  The story of family and friends coming together.  I even saw a soldier returning home a couple weeks ago in full gear as his mother screamed when she opened the door (adorned with a yellow ribbon).

All of these images (including the fiery portable toilet) told the story of 2009.  Maybe they weren’t my story, but they were nice ones.

2009 will be just that for me.  “A Nice One”.  I’ll definitely take that after 2008.  I needn’t look much further than 2008 to remember what was happening last year as my wife was recovering from her second surgery in 3 months and we scheduled ourselves for a very low key Christmas with only enough fanfare to keep our kid’s spirits high.  Just 365 days ago I sat by her bedside making sure she’d be okay just to get up and deal with Christmas.  While 2009 was no picnic, and we did deal with two more minor surgeries, life today compared to last year couldn’t be much better healthwise.

The holiday is often on its long tail as we’ve already had two family gatherings, a work party and a large bash at a friend’s home yet we are still 3 days shy of Christmas.  We still have two more family gatherings to go to.  Such is the life of the fragmented world and family.  As I sit here in my den, I know of local friends spending the holiday in Hawaii, Argentina, Spain, France, England, Italy & Brazil just to name those places not on this continent.  They all sound enticing…. the Champs Elysees on Christmas?  How magical does that sound!?

Well San Francisco is where we remain and where we will keep our hearts this Christmas!  No snow and no sand!  The image above is from  Sara Showalter, (www.sarashowalter.com) or @gidget on Twitter.  A great local artist, the image was used for our holiday card this year. If you are looking for an artist or photographer, I highly recommend her.  And the best thing about her?  She is a diehard San Francisco Giants fan!

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Doing the Manly Thing

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“Cancer is never just about the person who has it. At least it shouldn’t be. It’s about everyone around that person. Chris made a selfless decision and I love him dearly for it.”  – Stefanie Spielman about her husband Chris before she lost her battle with breast cancer.

Many of you may not know who Chris Spielman is, but he was an All-American linebacker from Ohio St. and NFL All-pro.  He also exemplified in my mind a great role model for all husbands out there when it comes to supporting your spouse.  It isn’t just that he is a celebrity that I give him credit for being a good husband.  I think he went beyond the call of duty as a co-survivor.  I copied the story below by Lisa Olson

Recently his wife passed.  What I really loved about this story is how he showed what co-survivorship is all about.  I‘ve attached a link here, but you can also just read this story below:

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by Lisa Olson 

When Chris Spielman suffered a brutal neck injury, he said overcoming it was a breeze compared to most everything his wife Stefanie had faced. When her hair started falling out, when clumps of it began landing on the floor and in their toddler’s hands, Chris decided to shave his own head, a soldier in solidarity. When it became apparent that more chemotherapy and a mastectomy — breast cancer’s evil twins — were high on Stefanie’s schedule, Chris bid a temporary farewell to the NFL, skipping an entire year so he could be with the woman he proposed to on the 18th hole of a Putt-Putt course.

None of the above should be considered exceptional behavior by husbands or partners forced to watch their loved one undergo treatment for cancer. But everything Chris did back in those gloomy days following his wife’s diagnosis was regarded as unusual and, in some parts, emasculating.

Stefanie Spielman, 42, died Thursday after a lengthy battle with breast cancer. Chris Spielman, the NFL and Ohio State star, was by her side, along with their four children, and while she deserves a thousand hosannas and a billion thanks for her work in raising millions over the years to combat the disease, it should be noted that he was quite the trailblazer.

When they met at a teen dance in their hometown of Massillon, Ohio, Chris was a high school stud who soon would be featured on the cover of a Wheaties box; his football journey continued at Ohio State, where his bone-crunching hits as an All-American linebacker became legendary. By the time Stefanie found a lump in her right breast during a routine self-exam, they had been married 10 years and he was deep into an NFL career. This was 1998, and let’s just say the world of sports was not as enlightened as it is now.

She was three months pregnant when she felt that lump, and later miscarried. Chris told her he wanted to skip his upcoming season with the Buffalo Bills so he could accompany her to doctor appointments, and hold her head when the chemo made her nauseous, and be a calming force as she underwent surgery to remove her breast. Eight stellar years with the Detroit Lions and another two with the Bills (he set a team and personal record in 1996 with 206 tackles) had given him much credibility with the football-crazed public, but how would they understand this kind of absence?

“Players just didn’t leave the game unless they were injured or retiring on their own terms,” Stefanie once told me at a fundraiser for Lance Armstrong’s Livestrong foundation. “It seemed so simple to me. Just tell the fans your wife has breast cancer. Who knows? Maybe it will have some kind of trickle-down effect. Maybe one fan will go home and say to his wife, ‘Honey, sweetheart, don’t forget to make that appointment for your mammogram.’

“Cancer is never just about the person who has it. At least it shouldn’t be. It’s about everyone around that person. Chris made a selfless decision and I love him dearly for it.”

He took the season off, shaved his head to match his wife’s beautiful bald dome and still there were the grumps in the Neanderthal section wondering why a Pro Bowl linebacker had to go and mess up their Sunday fun. When Stefanie’s treatment reached a manageable level, he returned to the NFL for the 1999 season, this time with the Cleveland Browns, but a second neck injury ended his NFL career.

“Nothing my body has gone through can begin to compare to what Stefanie deals with almost every day,” Chris once said. “She’s my hero.”

Stefanie’s plan, formed in the aftermath of her diagnosis, began on a small level, with a sign at Big Bear, the Spielman’s neighborhood grocery story, asking shoppers to please donate money to Ohio State’s James Cancer Hospital. A few thousand dollars, she said, would have made her delirious. Girl Scout troops and baseball teams and individuals and clubs from all across the community began offering their pennies, and within six months those pennies totaled $1 million.

The Stefanie Spielman Fund for Breast Cancer Research, along with the Stefanie’s Champions awards, has since raised more than $6.5 million for the cause. She survived four bouts with cancer before a fifth, and final, recurrence in the spring left her wheelchair-bound. She accompanied Chris to Ohio State’s season opener against Navy, when he was honored at halftime for his induction into the College Football Hall of Fame. Against a backdrop where Chris once played to phenomenal roars, the loudest applause, by far, came when Stefanie was introduced.

And in a cruel coincidence, on one of her last days came a report from a federal task force saying women should delay mammograms until they’re 50, 10 years later than the medical community has traditionally recommended. Not to make the Neanderthals in the balcony squeamish, but if you, the sports fan, have a mother, a sister, a wife, a girlfriend — or if you just happen to like healthy breasts — this might be a subject worth discussing at halftime. There is one tough linebacker who’d appreciate it.

“Stefanie has gone home to be with the Lord,” Chris Spielman said in a statement released by WBNS radio in Columbus, where he co-hosts a radio show. “For that, we celebrate, but with broken hearts. I want to thank everyone for their support over the last 12 years. Together, with your help, hopefully we made a difference in this fight.”

We hear all the time about athletes who’d never win plaques for Father or Husband of the Year. They fail in the complicated tango between celebrity and sports, neglecting their human responsibilities in exchange for fame and an enlarged ego. But there are many more who quietly go about their business between the lines, before returning home and acting as good citizens, good partners.

Chris and Stefanie Spielman’s story might have been one of the first public examples of an athlete doing the right — dare we say, the manly — thing. Thankfully, and in her memory, it won’t be the last.

(by Lisa Olson)

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

What’s Up? How’s Your Wife?

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This is my most special place in all the world. Once a place touches you like this, the wind nevers blows so cold again. You feel for it, like it was your child.

– Moonlight Graham, Field of Dreams

Ah..what to write.  When I run each night, the mind swirls with this thick soup of thoughts.  Some people have writer’s block.  I have writer’s neurosis.  I wish you could see the list of half written blog entries that I have yet to complete.  You will, but hopefully they will still be relevant.  I guess tonight I will have to address some recent inquiries to my email……

Funny how I still occasionally get an email (this week I got two) which asked how my wife is and why I don’t write about cancer anymore in my blog.  The short answer is that this blog was never intended to be about my wife’s cancer.  It was just a continuation of my personal thoughts on life.  My public memoirs if you will.

The long answer is that I can say that I feel so lucky that my wife is doing great, gets monthly shots and takes daily pills to make sure the cancer does not come back.  We are just about at the one year mark of five years of Tamoxifin treatments (20% done is quite an achievement).  The monthly shots leave a nice black and blue mark on my wife’s abdomen, my wife’s surgical scars are starting to fade, and occasionally we talk about her side effects, but I take my cues from my wife for the most part.  She’s ready to move on.  That said, we don’t forget.  We don’t forget the fears, we don’t forget the worries, we don’t forget those nights without sleep, and we don’t forget the months of surgeries.  Reading some of the blogs and talking to those who have just been diagnosed or who have wives reminds us of where we were and how much our lives have changed.  

Breast cancer is now a large part of our lives so much so that we have to escape.  No breast cancer walks or runs for me.  My runs are my way of running in honor of my wife, mom, mom-in-law, cousins, aunts, and friends who have all been struck by breast cancer.  Every night when I run I am reminded of our fortunate results, my wife’s strength, and those others who we have met through our ordeal.  By the way, of all the above mentioned, only my mother was over 50 when first diagnosed.  Yes, this is in light of the new panel study which says that women should now wait til 50 before having mammograms.   It is really a shame that we are now trying to cut back on preventive medicine during a big time for research and discovery.  Now is not the time to cut back when we are making so much progress.

Yes, breast cancer as a topic is all around us now and we just can’t escape it so we relish those moments when it doesn’t remotely come close to infiltrating our conversations or thoughts.   It is like my friend who works with juvenile delinquents on a daily basis.  He has told me that because of his job he doesn’t want to have children of his own.  This week I met with a gentleman who has been waiting a month and his wife’s surgery is right after Thanksgiving.  I had met him a couple times, but this week he just broke down.  His fears and concerns finally overwhelmed his facade.  His worries about his wife, his kids, the mounting medical bills, and all the uncertainty surrounding the outcomes finally came to a head.  It just took me back a year and I relived it all in one hour.  That feeling of hopelessness hit me like a ton of bricks.  I broke down with this man I barely knew.  I couldn’t tell him things would be alright as I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to hear either.  I wanted a path.  I wanted a path out of the mess.  All I could tell him was to bury himself into caring for his wife.  Focus on the task at hand.

That night I ran a long run.  Couple that encounter with an incident earlier in the morning where I had a woman faint in the elevator bank in my office bulding.  It turns out she was having a heart attack.  All she kept saying was “my babies, my babies” . Her predicament had me distracted the rest of the day until I had my conversation with that breast cancer husband.  Both incidences had me reeling.  They reminded me of how fragile life is.  All I wanted that night was to be alone with my thoughts so I could just make sense of it all.

Well I hope that explains it all.  Thankful this Thanksgiving? Yep I sure will be.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Some Mondays Don’t Go as Planned – A Loving Fight

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“It Ain’t Over til It’s Over” – Yogi Berra

Gifts from our UCSF Decision Services group
Gifts from our UCSF Decision Services group

As I start this entry we are waiting for the nurses as my wife waits on what we hope will be her final surgery, almost a year to the date of her original breast cancer surgery.

This summer has been a rough one with my father-in-law in the hospital on the opposite coast for 6 weeks fighting a staph infection that laid him up with severe back pains and a high fever which made him hallucinate.  Trying to entertain kids on their annul summer visit while juggling a couple hours in the hospital each day was not a fun chore for my wife.  On top of that her longtime neighbor and family friend died of lung cancer while we were visiting.  My wife loves going home to visit friends and family, but this time despite the pending birth of our new nephew, I think she was happy to get back home.  She hadn’t even gotten the chance to mention that she was about to undergo her 4th surgery in a year.

Four surgeries in a year is not a badge of honor and at the same time it is not even close to the amount of surgeries many people have gone through with breast cancer, but looking back on it I still wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  A total of 22 hours in surgeries so far and the 4th only expected to be 90 minutes and I can only imagine the toll all the anaesthesia takes on the brain.  Maybe its old age but I can already sense some memory issues with my wife.  She’s been through a lot and I have all the respect for her approach to this last one.

This morning our kids were cranky about having to get up early and were giving my wife a hard time.  It really didn’t make me feel good to have to pull each of them aside and remind them how lucky we are.  For two young kids who have had nothing but cancer and hospital visits all around them for the last two years, they instantly knew this was not the time to be acting up and realized how fortunate to have what they have.

(Move ahead 15 hours)

Well my wife had a bit of a temperature today and they didn’t want to operate on her for fear she might be getting sick and there could be a resulting infection.  They knew my wife and I would be disappointed when they broke the news.  We had waited 4 months for this date, but now have to wait more.  After such a hard morning  getting there it was a bit disheartening.  I could see my wife was bothered.  I was bothered too.  A little for me and a lot for her.  Tonight I just felt I had to apologize as I think she could tell I was not happy with the delay as well.  We just want to get all of this overwith.  One last surgery we hope.  Now the wait again.  A wait for another surgery date.

We can’t be angry though.  My wife and I tried to console each other and subtly reminded each other of how lucky we are to be where we are today.  It hasn’t been easy and this wasn’t going to end easy either.  We’d been patient this far and couldn’t take this personally.  It is so easy to lose your cool when you can taste that chance of moving to the next step.   What’s a few more months…heck we still have to wait a few more years to be considered cancer (and Tamoxifen) free.  The cancer clinic itself has been great.  Just a couple weeks ago during her pre-op appointment they gave her a framed article from the Wall St. Journal that she had helped with (she took photos with the physicians) as well as a huge bouquet of flowers.  They really care for her well-being and would rather err on the side of conservatism.  Getting to know people on a first name basis makes things so much easier on the patient.  I remember seeing them having to look at the charts to remember my wife’s diagnosis and name.  Unfortunately they know it real well now, but that sterile feeling of being “just another breast cancer statistic” is gone.  Being able to ask your sugreon about their kids and how they are liking their new school just helps to ease the tension.

On a side note, our son’s classmate’s father who was given only a few weeks at the beginning of the summer is still holding on.  He is weaker now, but he really wants to see his kids start the school year.  It will help them and I think he will make it to that goal.  It is really sad, but in a small way having their sons back in school with such a supporting community will make the eventual loss not as lonely.  Just last year this happened with another schoolmate when they lost their mother after her six year battle and the school rallied to make meals all year long.  I had a chance to see the father at the pool this summer and he said it had been a long year but it taught him about patience and forgiveness with his two young boys. They had lived with this cancer with their mother for 6 years and he said the highs and lows were rough.  This year was very numbing without her. Knowing that my wife was in a similar situation, he just put his hand on my back and let me know I could talk whenever I needed.

Yep.  Patience.  Practice before and after.  Take one step at a time. There is no rush when it comes to cancer because it is a long road.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

UCSF Breast Cancer Videos

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Both my wife’s surgeon, Dr. Shelley Hwang, and her oncologist, Dr. Hope Rugo, are part of the team at UCSF’s Carol Franc Buck Cancer Clinic in San Francisco and have put together a series of videos (Dr. Rugo is also part of Breast Cancer.org’s panel of Medical Experts). The videos are reflective of the care my wife is receiving.

The videos discuss bisphosphonates, Tamoxifen, AI, OS, and DCIS research as well as alternative approaches to care for those who have discovered DCIS.

They are both very interesting or at least can help you in your dialogue with your physician or even your spouse. Sometimes it is hard to communicate to others what is going on and I know I personally found these easier to digest than having an emotional discussion with my own wife and physicians.

One thing you will notice about the demeanor of both physicians is their sense of community with the patient as well as their keen sense for wanting to find both the causes and the cures for this disease. It is my hope they will not only uncover many of the keys to solving breast cancer, but other cancers as well.

– Shelley Hwang on DCIS

– Hope Rugo on New Frontier of Hormone Therapy

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

UCSF’s Breast Care Center

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Dr. Esserman of the Carol Franc Buck Breast Care Center
Dr. Esserman of the Carol Franc Buck Breast Care Center

I thought I’d share this great article that appeared today about Dr. Laura Esserman who is the lead surgeon at the UCSF clinic where my wife goes for her procedures.  My wife’s surgeon (S. Hwang) is part of this great group of surgeons who provide a great personal service.

The article also speaks to Jessica Galloway, who we had met through our children’s nursery school when my mother and she were going through chemo together.  5 years later, Jessica would be a great asset for my own wife as she navigated the information and questions associated with breast cancer. 

I thought this article just captures the great community and personal excellence needed to get through a very trying time in the lives of breast cancer patients and survivors.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/07/20/DDSF18KFH2.DTL

Route 53 - Life is A Highway

I know you all hate this quote, but….

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“Life is Like a Box of Chocolates.  You never know what you’re gonna get.”  Forrest Gump

Life Lesson: Just go out and enjoy yourself.  No need to worry about the cards that you area going to be dealt.  You can’t change ides but moreso

This week my personal comfort of where I am in the stages of life was challenged.  I reacted the way all people do.  We all do it.  We can’t help it.  When surrounded by tragedy and tales of sadness that make you think, our body and mind react in a self-defense mode..  Let’s face it. When we all heard about the Air France flight, we thought about whether we’d want to fly that same route that plane took and how we’d be if we knew someone on that plane.

Even closer to home, a little 7-year-old girl who is a friend of my daughter found out that she has a brain tumor and will be undergoing surgery to have it removed.  The proximity of our relationship to the girl has us and our daughter’s classmates all feeling terribly sad for this young girl and her family.  I do have to admit that the thoguht ran through my head – “What if that were my own daughter?”  And of course I thanked someone up there that it was not my little girl.  Guilty?! Yes…we all do it.  We worry and pray for those struck with a curveball that life has tossed.  And we hope that curveball doesn’t get thrown at us .

I remember going to my uncle’s funeral when I was 16.  I cried looking at him in his casket.  Yes, he was one of my favorite uncles, but when I saw him and because he resembled my own dad, it just hit me how much I loved my own dad and thankful I was that my dad was still there.  Years later, when my dad did pass, my friends came to console me and I looked at my best friend who had lost his father a decade before me.  I looked and asked him how I’d do without my dad.  I know we are grown me but we still need our dads.  He told me you never get over the loss of a good dad.  I knew he wasn’t sitting there at the funeral saying, “I’m glad it wasn’t my dad” since he had already lost his dad.  In fact he told me that my own dad’s funeral reminded him of his own dad’s death and then he lost it.

When my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, the moms in our kid’s school were great and really rallied around our family.  Once again I know it was proximity.  Proximity of being a mom with young children.  With one in 8 women getting breast cancer, these moms knew my wife might have been the first, but they knew the chances were high that other moms would get it and that they could be next.  They understood our troubles, but they also knew this was  a situation that could hit them just as easily.

Is it okay to feel this way?  Of course it is.  It is human nature.  This weekend is the funeral of  a friend of the family.  The eldest daughter asked me for some advice given that I was an expert and had been through the same thing.  I told her it was not the same.  Every night for 5 months I had read my friend’s bedside account of her mother’s poor health on www.caringbridge.com until she passed.  We can only learn from our own experiences and from those around us.  We are dealt many cards in life and it is okay to put ourselves in those situations and wonder “What if?”.  What if that were me?  What if that were my daughter or son?  What if my daughter had gotten cancer like that little girl http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/05/19/earlyshow/health/main5024777.shtml?

Life is definitely like a box of chocolates that way.

Ah but life isn’t always filled with the coconut filled or cherry filled chocolates.  Sometimes you do get the nuts or caramels that you prefer and others start to follow because they wonder, “what if I had the nuts and caramels”  How happy would they be to be like me?  In the end we should all hope that we get the chocolates we want and when we don’t we should observe what we would, could or should do

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

The Spring Fix and Clean

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 April is a promise that May is bound to keep.  ~Hal Borland

The other day I received a nice thank your from the representatives of Phil & Amy Mickelson’s Foundation in response to my letter about dealing with breast cancer in a family with young children.  It really did put a little spring in my step.

I was spurred to write that note to one of my favorite golfers when I read about the hard time that he was having dealing with the thought that his wife was suffering at home and he was in a sport where he was traveling away from his family.  He was tormented and reacting on instinct.  I just thought he needed to know about some of the resources available to husbands of breast cancer sufferers and I’m glad I reached out.

Phil is one of those husbands who give men a good name.  When it comes to breast cancer, let’s face it, men just have a rotten name.  It isn’t that they don’t deserve it.  Some men have just not “done the right thing” by not being understanding, leaving their wives at a hard time, or just running from it al .  And those few men have made it hard for men to be understood.  The emotions flow and rage enters the picture.  I totally understand and empathize with these women and also with their husbands at the same time.  I guess that is because I know where both sides are coming from.  These women think their husbands might be insensitive or not understanding, but there really is some “reasoning” for some of the behavior.

Recently I got into a discussion with some women online after a woman’s husband was insensitive.  At first I read about it and thought, “here we go again, another man ruining the name of husband”.  Then I said to myself…wait, I’m not much better.  That could very well have been my own wife complaining about me.

Cancer is a tough ordeal.  For a man who has to watch his wife suffer with breast cancer, there is no greater feeling of helplessness.  We’re men.  We like to fix things and there is nothing more that we want to fix is the broken pieces of the only woman in our lives that means more to us than our own mother.  For me, the drains, the blood and the visits to the doctors (things I was not comfortable with) were just part of the healing process.   Most men don’t want to talk about their fears and especially with their own wives who don’t need to hear from their husband about how scared they are when right now they might need a rock or a sounding board and not a whimpering husband.  Heck, they’ve got cancer, not us!  When we aren’t that rock or sounding board though, then we get that bad rep.  Quite frankly I think my wife got tired of all that smothering.  She didn’t want to be thought of as sick and my fawning all over her just reminded her of her illness.

The monthly doctor appointments are continuing shots and side effects of her cancer trial drugs have become a normal part of life that get acknowledged quickly before we go to bed at night. 

“How did it go?”

“Okay, I only waited for 45 minutes.  The shot was easier this time.”

“Great. Good night.’

It really has become casual in conversation because of her desire to ease my burden and not have my attention focused on her.  Similarly I have to pay extra special attention to let her know that I do know she isn’t out of the woods.  She needs to know that if she wants that attention, I will give it to her.

So back to the discussion, the husband was asked by a wife about what her thought of her recent construction.  The husband was pretty dismissive and understandably the wife was a bit upset.  At first I wanted to jump on that bandwagon of saying what a jerk the husband was.  Now I love my wife and “not just her breasts”.  They has always been an asset for her before cancer and she’s been always conscientious about their appearance, but I do find myself trying to remind her that I don’t mind her focusing on them health-wise, but it is heremotional well-being that I care about more.  So in my case when asked about her scars and if the neckline on her dress is too low and her scars show, I do want to tell her she looks beautiful, but a woman knows her husband and what he feels just by looking in his eyes.  She knows that I know they look and feel different.  A woman after reconstruction knows that a husband might not look at her bare breasts the same way (better or worse in appearance), but I know for me it was her eyes, her mind, and other parts of her which remained untouched…or maybe untouched by human hands but they are still the same ones that were part of her when we got married.  I will at some point look at her reconstruction as part of her and without hesitation.

Just like your scars, it takes time to heal and feel comfortable again for you to discuss them with your husband.  Actually, while I don’t mind discussing with my wife about the cancer, I just don’t want her to focus on the appearance of her new breasts.  I do want her to be happy with them, but I don’t want to obsess about them.  My wife would rather me tell her how beautiful she looks in her new dress without prompting than to have a 20 minute discussion on if her scars are fading, if I see rippling, or other imperfections.  I’ve had those discussions and while productive, the conversation did not seem natural (no pun intended).

The reconstruction part of cancer recovery really does belong in the domain of the woman.  I didn’t want to look like one of those husbands who “shaped his wife’s looks”. In the end I took my wife “for better or for worse”.  My wife chose her option and I am happy with it as long as she is happy with it. As I look at it, as husbands we have no choice in what your original breasts looked like, we have no choice in marrying women who were stricken with breast cancer, and we should not be a major contributor in deciding what your new body should look like.  What we do have a choice in is being sensitive to our wife’s emotional  feelings and we do have a choice to love them unconditionally.

I mentioned that human hands did not touch my wife’s eyes, mind and spirit, but they have changed through cancer too.  She is more proud and confident of where she is because of what she has been through.  I find her strength to be the biggest turn on.  It makes her more beautiful than ever.

Last weekend was the unofficialbeginning of Summer with MemorialDay and we took that time for the whole family to clean the house and continue with our post-cancer journey.  We threw out the old cancer information pamphlets, the left over get well cards, the sample drain pump and the tons of bedside reading material that was accumulated.  We’re all moving on.  We’re cleaning those cupboards.  We’re fixing our lives and coming on stronger than ever.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Thinking in Rare Air

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Sunset @ 30,000 feet
Sunset @ 30,000 feet

More thoughts from 30,000 feet.  Rare air makes you think.  It makes you appreciate.  It helps you to understand.

 I write these thoughts from the air somewhere along the Pacific Coast after having spent a beautiful day in Los Angeles on business.  The weather there is always debon “air” as Herb Caen once wrote I think. There was just enough of a breeze to keep the smog at bay.   I always feel a bit younger when traveling down there on business maybe because I am hanging out in the hip area of LA in Hollywood.  At the same time I find myself feeling quite antiquated for not recognizing the newest starlet as she just pranced by me in front of Le Petit Four…”that was LC, don’t you know?”.  Even if I did, I wouldn’t have recognized her.

The past week has been the fun part of my job at a music conference where we talked about the ever changing landscape of the music industry and listened to fantastic music of yet to be discovered artists such as Meiko and Matt Morris (@mattmorrisfeed).  I’m probably a relative novice in the world of music, but in terms of talking about the industry, its preservation, and its future, it is a great topic.  Working in an industry that is in turmoil keeps your job interesting much like my regular life.

The future has been on my mind quite a bit.  Why?  Because I find it really great to be optimistic about things and the future is something you can dictate yourself.  For example, my wife has been lamenting about not having been to Hawaii in a few years.  So rather than worrying about it, we booked flights for 9 months from now to our favorite hotel.  Sure lots will happen between now and then, but I sure can’t wait for Spring Break 2010.  We aren’t even sure yet what we are doing this summer or this holiday season.   The message though is that my wife was thinking about doing something fun and going to somplace that made her happy and I was more than happy to want to see that happen.

Its always been a great part of my relationship with my wife that I treasure.  I like to dream and my wife likes to laugh at me as if I were the little kids who is telling her that when I grow up that I want to be “an astronaut and meet aliens” (that’s what I told my mother when I was 9).  That was about 4 months before I met Farrah Fawcett’s manager and I decided that I wanted to grow up to be a manager of a beautiful starlet and earn 10% of everything she made.  I know my wife thinks I’m nuts sometimes when I show her photos of beautiful places and say “we’re going there”.

My wife has always been that rock, that voice of reason.  The one who tells me that we should think before we act and to wait a few days and think about it first.  I’ve always been  the one to do quick analytics and go with my gut instinct based upon those calculations.  I believe that this battle with cancer has made her not only appreciate me more, but the attitude of not waiting.  When I used to ask  her thoughts, she used to say, “I don’t know” or “what does it matter?” as if these were just my musings for me and not for her.  Now she realizes they are for all of us.  My wife has been right to analyze things for sure, but I think when it comes to matters of the heart and mind, sometimes it is good to go with your instincts.

Most of all I think we are all beginning to learn how to live “with” cancer and not let cancer lead our lives.  This morning I saw the article about golfer Phil Mickelson’s wife having breast cancer.  My children saw it as well and while I thought to myself that it’s always interesting how nobody really seems to pay attention about it until a celebrity is afflicted : Christina Applegate, Lance Armstrong, Patrick Sayze, Steve Jobs, etc.,  my son looked at the article and said, “She’ll be okay, right?  They have kids our ages. Sounds like what mom had.  I guess Tiger is going to win a lot of money while Phil is out.”  That statement hit me hard, not by the words, but by his casualness.  First it showed me that my son hadn’t found the experience of the last 9 months to be all that traumatic, second that he seemed to think of cancer as something that yoursurvive and not something that kills, and last that he felt if a celebrity and their family had cancer, it must be something somewhat normal.  I spent all day thinking about whether all of those outcomes were good.  I don’t want my son to be terrified and I do want him to erealize this can hit anyone and I am happy that he wasn’t faced with the emotional issues.

My thoughts do go out to Phil and his wife Amy as well as all those who are suffering from breast cancer right now.  I am happy to be exiting that long dark tunnel with my wife’s hand in mine and really look forward to seeing that daylight at the end.  Sometimes that daylight still looks like 4 years away, but at least its bright and we have a lot of good hopes ahead. 

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Midlife Re-birth: 8 months post-surgery

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 We don’t understand life any better at forty than at twenty, but we know it and admit it.  – Jules Renard  

This weekend marked 8 months post-surgery for my wife.  She has since had reconstruction, a follow up surgery, 6 months of shots,6 months of a test bisphosphonate, and Tamoxifen.  She has finally started to take another drug to lessen the effects of her side-effects of the drugs.  I really don’t know how she does it.  All these distractions and she continues her duties as class parent, team mom, family glue, top chef, businesswoman, and loving wife.  It’s all become par for the course.  Just yesterday she sent me a text at work to tell me that she had another follow-up procedure scheduled for the end of the summer.  It just seems like such a casual thing now for her to write me and say that she is going to have more surgery, but this is just a stage in our life, not a WAY of life.  We are going to move past this chapter.

In truth as we’ve come to realize her skin-sparing mastectomy is still a relatively new thing in the world of breast cancer surgery.  While it does save your skin and is less traumatic for the survivor than we ever imagined, there is still quite a bit different from the traditional “Hollywood boob job”.  Skin-sparing mastectomy with immediate reconstruction has become popular with patients because, compared with delayed reconstruction, it improves the cosmetic result, reduces cost and anesthetic risk, and in one sitting completes most of the surgical treatment that the patient will ever require for treatment of her breast cancer.   Provided that the breast skin is not involved with or close to the tumor, physicians prefer to perform the mastectomy with optional removal of the nipple-areolar complex (total skin sparing) and the tumor biopsy scar.  The mastectomy is otherwise the same as a standard modified radical mastectomy with removal of all breast tissue and an axillary node dissection.   The part that is difficult for most patients is that so much tissue is removed that the breast becomea basically a large water balloon that holds a big bag of silicone, saline or whatever.  Because the skin is now so much thinner, it is hard to prevent wrinkling and rippling.  With so little tissue left, the breast can look a little misshapen at times.  That said, the results do look pretty good and like life small adjust ments will be needed.  Yes, this is the procedure that you hear for celebrities like Christina Applegate. 

I know many women don’t want to talk about this too publicly.  I mean, how can you complain when you think about the alternatives?  These women are so thankful yet feel so close to what they can see is the final visual end to their suffering.  All of this though is a change.  A change from what past generations had. Not only was life extended but the quality of that life has been improved. 

It is with that frame of mind while sick the past couple of weeks it come to my mind that suddenly we were so accepting of all these new changes in our life.  We’ve reached that mid point in our life.  They talk about midlife and the word crisis is always used to describe it.  I don’t think so.  Sure we’ve come across some bumps in the road.  I told my wife that rather than a mid-life crisis, this is half-time for us.  In the world of sports, this is the time to make adjustments and a time to assess where we are, where we’ve come from and where we want to go. 

Such is mid-life for us I guess.  After taking 10 days off from running because of a nagging cold I found my rested body was now better suited to tackle my nightly runs again.  I told my wife how my body was responding and she reminded me I’m not getting any younger although I may feel young.  Either way, the rest gave me renewed energy and a new energy and perspective that allowed me to set new personal bests three days in a row.  The 10 days of mental relief reminded me of how lucky we are and how blessed our life is.  It isn’t about fate or faith, but about the sense of being.

We took our time to plan that second half, revise our targets and think about how we want to live our life.  It is not about settling.  It is about making choices and pursuing what we believe to be important to both of us.  The one thing we agreed upon is that this is a shared goal and we wouldn’t have it any other way.