Tag Archives: chemotherapy

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

This Time’s A Charm Blog Book Tour

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I have just finished a book by Donald Wilhelm called “This Time’s A Charm”.  Its about Donald’s fight to survive cancer 4 times and beat the odds.  To me this is more than a cancer book but a personal philosophy book that I think anyone should read whether you’ve had cancer or not.  I am part of Donald’s blog book tour  (the last stop) and hope you all can follow along:

“This Time’s a Charm” Cancer Blog Book Tour Schedule

2/16/09 www.fightpink.org 
2/17/09 www.cancerbookreview.blogspot.com
2/18/09 www.uniboobclub.blogspot.com
2/19/09 www.moutray.wordpress.com
2/20/09 www.makesomelemondae.com
2/21/09 www.awesomecancersurvivor.com
2/23/09 www.serendipityfactory.com 
2/24/09 www.everythingchangesbook.com
2/25/09 www.cancercornerlive.blogspot.com
2/27/09 www.appendix-cancer.blogspot.com 
2/28/09 www.imtooyoungforthis.org 
03/1/09 www.route53.wordpress.com

I will publish more on my thoughts and feelings as well as ask Donald some questions that will be published on 3/1 right here along with Donald’s answers.

Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Each Visit Is A Reminder – A Loving Fight

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I love you so much it hurts.

Sometimes the everyday stress of this fight against cancer pops up.  It is an undercurrent in our lives as we try to move on.  Certain days we avoid the topic either because we don’t have time to catch up or we don’t want to bother each other.  We know how each other feels and when the kids are asleep we’ll have a quick discussion.  The stress though recently has been over the decission or lack of clarity on her trial with bisphosphonates and other hormonal therapy.  The stress and anxiety is in her and she wants me to help.  This is the first time in our relationshipp where I just keep having to let her make those decisions.  I will just never know her true feeling about how badly she wants to fight some days.  The tensionhas been there and I want so much to help and support her but the stress is just making us crack a little.

Today though was the first of her OS shots and her bisphosphonate cocktail.  Along with Tamoxifen she is getting the triple whammy of hormonal therapy and bone density treatment to fight against a recurrence.  Although she was lucky enough to avoid chemotherapy and radiation, she had to go to the ward where those treatments are provided in order for her to get her shot.  Seeing the other women with sadness in their eyes, a slouch in their posture and bald heads was a reminder of my mohters treatment as well as a reminder of how lucky we are to have caught this cancer early.

Tonight we just gave each other a kiss and reminded each other how lucky she/we are.  She still inspires me.  Tonight when I just didn’t want to go running I reminded myself of the pain and suffering she is going through and told myself that no amount of pain and suffering I have will match hers.  It was 4 miles of therapy for me as I took a deep breath and breathed in the cold crisp air.  I spent the run thinking of all the people we’ve met along the way and gave thanks.

Well once again it is late and I need to cut this short.  I also need to get back to some of the postings of the fun parts of my life.  I do have fun sometimes.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Getting invigorated – Life is a Highway

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“Thanks for doing your civic duty”

Every year we all get that letter.  Jury duty!  Well today I served my first day of the year.  Jury duty in San Francisco like most large cities is a real study on human social anthropology.  You spend half your morning trying to figure out who has a legitimate excuse for not serving and who really does not speak English.  You come back in the afternoon and find that despite being in a City that is 50% Asian that there is only one person of Asian ethnicity possibly on the jury.  As a people watcher, it is better than the DMV though.  There was one guy today who burst out singing Stevie Wonder’s My Cherie Amour.  Believe me, I wouldn’t want that guy on my jury!

The afternoon of jury selection we learn who each other is and both the defense and plaintiff lawyers spend their time trying to figure out if they want to send us home.  I have yet to be asked a single question so I don’t know where I stand.  Tomorrow is the final day of jury selection I suspect.  It is actually very stressful as I look around the room.  The economy is very poor right now and I know many people do not feel comfortable leaving their jobs for several days.  I did have a chance to meet a lady in the Public Health Department who used to work for my dad.   I recognized her from some photos my dad had from work.  She told me that my dad was a wonderful and caring boss and man.  It has been three years, but it still feels good to hear how my dad’s memories still stick with people.

All that sitting around today did invigorate me.  I put lists and lists together as I waited my turn.  Because we were excused early for the day I was able to get home early and re-wire my bedroom and office.  I was also able to finally download some software that I’ve been meaning to do for 3 months,  I also had time to go on a 5 mile run tonight.  Runs for me are best when I have lots on my mind.  I remember where I put things that I lost, I solve problems that have been bugging me, I remember why I love my family and I give thanks to all that has been provided for me. Yes, I am so invigorated and motivated more than ever!  I even voted 2 weeks early for the election.  Secretly i just can’t stand any more people calling me about the elections.

Despite my wife’s recovery from breast cancer still being a “work in progress” we are almost back to normal.  Planning social events (dinners and nights out with friends).  It really is good to see and I am so proud of her.  At first I was just saying that I was proud, but now I really am proud and I think people are impressed to not only see her up and about, but really working so hard.  Right now I know she is feeling bloated from her expanders, but she is not taking any medication (painkillers, etc.).  I did get a chance to look at my wife’s scars today and quite frankly they look really good.  I think she is going to be just fine.

Well that is it for now…more on jury duty tomorrow.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Remember, Reflect, & Learn – A Loving Fight Against Breast Cancer

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“Time Heals all Wounds”

We currently await our final decision on the oncology plan as well as our final fill before the swap out.  This coming week will be the final fill, we’ll schedule a date for surgery, and then begin the recuperation period. Amazingly it is hardly the major topic on our mind these days 

I wish I could tell our children about the emotions of the world today with a global recession, a new political environment, and many other macroevents affecting their family, friends, and community around them.  Someday they will see how difficult it is to raise a family and live a clean life devoid of heartache and stress.  In their smiles and laughter and innocence I see inspiration and drive to keep them away from the pain around them.  Daily I hear about families having to sell their homes or move away and it saddens me to hear that people are having to take such sacrifices to keep afloat.

My dad used to say that Time Heals All Wounds, but actions are important to me as I’d rather not sit still.  It is time I believe to work overtime and put in the extra effort needed to make sure we can maintain the course in these tough times.  Fortunately as a family we have a diverse plan of action that will help us to syndicate our efforts and spread the risk as well as maximize our efforts.  Tough times bring out the best in some and I am hoping that in these tough timeswe can just stay the course.

Today finished a stretch of events which have been distracting our family beyond our fight against cancer.  With 75 days left in the year we will begin a stretch that will challenge our imagination, our creativity, and our inner fortitude despite the many distractions in the coming months.  

But first we need to decide on an adjuvant therapy plan for my wife and a schedule that we can use as a guide to bring back health and normalcy to our family.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Breathing Deeply – A Loving Fight Against Breast Cancer

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“I can’t tell you anything else to tell you how much I love you”

After the good news to end the week, it was easy to take a deep breath, smile and be thankful.  Have we dodged a bullet?  Maybe, but we will be dodging it for a while.  I think that is why cancer victims rally and stick together.  The treatment time is for many years.  I might be wrong, but I’ve not noticed this kind of camaraderie and community of survivors for heart attack survivors or by-pass surgery survivors.

The weekend was filled with our children’s sports events (soccer and golf) as well as concerts, the Blue Angels, Fleet Week, and professional sporting events.  Our 9-year old golf prodigy son lost against an 18 year old in a golf match and although he’s tough on himself and had very little chance to win anyway, he gained a great perspective.  As a dad all you try to do is encourage your child and make sure that kind of event doesn’t damage him.  Afterwards I patted him on the back and told him how proud I was and that he was very poised and gracious in defeat.  He laughed and said, “Dad, he was twice my age.  It won’t be the last time I lose a match.  There are more important things if you know what I mean.” Nothing can make a parent more proud than to try and teach one’s child a life lesson and to be reminded of one of the more important lessons in life.  You just don’t expect to get reminded by a 9 year old.

That afternoon at the soccer match I caught my wife sitting on a grassy hill (making sure she didn’t get accidentally hit my a soccer ball)  She had her eyes closed and I wanted to make sure she wasn’t suffering from more exhaustion.  She smiled and replied, “I’m okay.  The sun feels good.  It has never felt this good.  I just want to soak it all in”.  It isn’t like she’d been out since the surgery, but I knew what she was doing.  Something she hadn’t done in a while.  She was smelling the roses.  The good news had taken a huge weight off her shoulders (something she hadn’t been able to express).

She looked so peaceful all by herself with the Blue Angel pilots flying over head during Fleet Week.  I’m sure she didn’t even hear the planes roaring.  We’ve aged so much in the last few months.  Maybe we haven’t aged, but we sure haved lived a lot.

I watched the “Bucket List” again with her and she sobbed.  It meant more to watch it now.  Her perspective changed now that the chemo was not in her near future.  She could laugh now.  Her own bucket list would now be more thoughtful.  Her sobs were of relief.  Of sorrow. Of joy. I had been afraid to hold her til now.  I didn’t want to hurt her.

Today was her fourth meeting with the plastic surgeon.  We’re almost done and he said that a middle of November final surgery for the swap would be likely.  It will give her time to rest before Thanksgiving.  The recovery time might be about 2 weeks and only 5% of all patients need drains afterward.  Along with the hormone therapy we decide on, it will be the last mile of this journey.  It will be a long last mile but a journey worth traveling.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

The Beginning of the End – A Loving Fight against Cancer

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“I’m Feeling Totally Empowered”

Meeting an oncologist seems so daunting.  Yet we were so excited to meet her.  We knew it would be a long appointment.  We heard she was thorough and with one appointment before us we ended up waiting a good 90 minutes.  We had had many discussions this week. I think we were both nervous.  All I knew is that I didn’t want my wife to have to go through chemotherapy.  It is such a toxic solution.  On my way back from the restroom I heard the fellow tell her colleagues, “they’re a nice couple and will be very receptive to options”.  We had met her a few weekends before when we were having drainage leaks on a weekend and she patched her up.

After the wait, we filled out more forms and met the fellow, the resident, and the pre-med student who crammed in the room with us.  You’d think that meeting a fairly well-known oncologist you’d think of a big oak desk surrounded by books.  Well this wasn’t Marcus Welby.  We pused into a tiny 8 x 10 room and the wait was finally over.  She told us the Oncotype number.  An 11, which means an11 percent chance of recurrence.  Tamoxifen hormonal therapy would put that number at 7%.  Chemotherapy would not be recommended!  A smile hit our faces.

Then the information hit us like stats on a Wall St. ticker tape.  25% of all cancers are undetectable on mammograms, tamoxifen is sometimes not metabolized by women, soy is not necessarily recommended product as tests are being done to check its relation to breast cancer, ……..it hit like a dumptruck of information being thrown on my head and my hand got cramps writing everything down.  Fortunately the pre-med student was typing notes away as the oncologist spoke.  Thorough and reasonable in her presentation, the oncologist laid out the basic plan for us and then gave us alternative trials with names of drugs and tests that i could not even begin to spell. We’ll have to peruse these options before our next meeting, or we could just email her our decision.

She did turn to me and ask me at one point how I was doing and what questions I had and thanksed me for attending this session and being supportive of my wife and others.  This woman knew everything.  I told her I was concerned because my wife, some aunts and both of my daughter’s grandmothers had breast cancer.  She took notes and then told me I needed to be tested as well to see if I carried the gene that could possibly be passed to my daughter.  I gulped.  Wow.  Sure i will get tested.  When my wife goes to get tested for the Braca gene, so will I.

The only time I felt uncomfortable was when they started talking about the side effects of tamoxifen and the other therapies: Tiredness, osteocrenosis of the jaw, menapausal symptoms, loss of libido, hot flashes…sitting in a small room with 5 women, all I could do was look at the tips of my shoes.  I cracked a small joke and everyone laughed.  They were uncomfortable too.

Three hours after we entered the clinic, we walked out hand in hand and I could recognize a little skip in my wife’s step.  “Are you okay?” I asked.  She smiled and said, “I finally feel like I’m in control.  I feel empowered”.  It was not the answer I thought I’d get, but I definitely could understand her thinking. 

We’ve still got a bit of a way to go, but this is a move in the right direction and quite possibly the beginning of the end of this chapter.  As we sat at home we discussed how surreal this all felt.  Cancer?  No chemotherapy? No Hair loss?  It just seems like we’ve been groomed to think hair loss, cancer and chemo go together.  Well, maybe this is just part of the new age of medicine. 

It sure works for me.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

We’re a Family Again – The Highway of Life

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“Let’s keep our batteries charged as things usually get worse before they get better”

Almost a month since surgery and we seem and more importantly, feel, like we can do some normal things again.  As we had no appointments this past week, there was nothing to break up our schedule and we had what we might term to be a “normal family weekend”.  As we sat around the table at our favorite sushi restaurant on Sunday night, we had our team meeting about what we had going on this week (playdates, practices, appointments, etc.) we reviewed the past week with our children to ask them how they were doing and what they enjoyed.  Our son said he enjoyed playing in his first golf tournament.  Our daughter said that she enjoyed “being a family again”.  When we asked what that meant she said she enjoyed going out to dinner, going to her soccer game, and even playing a family board game  with all of us present.

She was right.  It was the first time we had energy to do things together rather than split up or outsource parenting to our friends and family.  We were smiling and laughing again.  The sushi dinner was never mentioned as such, but it was our first real time we had gone out together in a month for a meal and thus served as a bit of a celebration.  We needed the break, the laughs, the down time and I think we really needed to lavish our children with much needed attention.

They have seen and heard so much and partly because of their naivety and partly because they are mature for their age, they were able to process their feelings. Unfortunately, I think it wore on them to see their parents not having the fun they used to have and seeing their mom’s sunny disposition remain sunny, but at a cost of her strength.  Our daughter’s comment raised some flags for us to make sure we focused on them during the coming weeks especially if chemo becomes part of the equation.

Today marked the third of 5 appointments with the plastic surgeon post-surgery.  He says she is progressing okay but we’ll have to see how things are going with chemo to know our full schedule.  We have our 1st appointment with the oncologist on Thursday morning so we are a bit nervous.  I just wish we’d know a little more before we go in the first time to meet with her.  She’ll definitely tell us about the Tamoxifin (sp?) but all we are worried nabout now is the Oncotype score reading.  We are bracing for her to tell us she will need chemo and agreed that we just need to get our batteries charged and braced for the coming months ahead.   It is just natural to assume things will get worse before they get beetter.  In a peverse way we both agreed that everything so far has actually not been as bad as we thought it would be, but we have run across some things we never thought we’d encounter.

On this highway of life, cancer has been more than a bump in the road, but  a very windy detour that we hope leads back to the main road and let’s us get back to destinations unknown with many life adventures to discover.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

Think , Laugh & Cry – A Loving Fight against Breast Cancer

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“Don’t forget to think, laugh and cry everyday.”

 

(note, wrote this on the way down to LA this morning).

 

Those famous words from Jim Valvano came to mind as I watched Oprah’s episode with Christina Applegate and breast cancer last night.  I cried not just for our situation, not just for Christina, but for all people suffering from any kind of cancer.

 

Today as I make (made) one of my day-long trips down to Hollywood for business, I just find myself wrapped in thought and emotion.  This is a trip I was supposed to make weeks ago, but everyone delayed the meeting mostly because I couldn’t make it because of my wife’s surgery.  Short plane rides, showers and bathroom stalls are just some of those places where time stands still and all my emotions come flooding in.  Sitting on a plane and just starting to cry is a weird thing.  I think of those times with my dad in the hospital, then my mom in the hospital and now with my wife’s visits to the hospital and think how lucky I am to still have two of those three people left in my life.

 

This morning was the first day I ever recall walking as a family to school.  You see it on TV where the family unit of four walks to school together down a tree-lined street.  We held hands said hello to other kids and parents we met.  It felt so normal.  We kissed our kids, sending them off with a hearty “Take care of your body” and my wife and I walked back to our car holding hands.  We never hold hands.  Is this the new us?  I don’t know if we can do that forever, but it sure felt nice.

 

Although I’ll be back tonight, I am still concerned for my wife, wanting to make sure she is okay.  She promised that she’d take it easy as long as I made sure to immerse myself back in my work and stop worrying just a little.  I can try that.  I reminded her that I just have a whole new appreciation for how much it means for her to still be with me.

 

One of the movies showing on the plane in October is “The Bucket List” starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.  It’s about two guys with terminal cancer who have a list of things to do before they “kick the bucket”.  We wanted to see that movie before she was diagnosed.  I think we need a good laugh now and will watch it this weekend.  We might also find it inspiring.

 

Yes, definitely doing a little laughing, thinking and crying today.  It does feel good to let those emotions out. It feels real human.  The words my wife took from Oprah’s show with Christina Applegate were those words that Melissa Etheridge gave her, “This is a blessing and you now can live your life the way you want to”  or something like that.  Well blessing isn’t really the right word here.  A wake up call?  Maybe that is it.  We had definitely started doing that and my wife was onboard with that mentality, but we had forgotten it.  She told me this morning before I left, ” I need to put the past behind and start living.”

 

Amen

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

3 weeks post-surgery – A Loving Fight Against Breast Cancer

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“Keep resting, take your chances to rest.”

Well we are now 3 weeks post-surgery and we are slowly moving back to normal.  We both have finally gotten rid of our coughs which both hit us around the time that she was diagnosed.  I’m thinking it was a bit psychosematic (sp?) but either way, it’s all done. 

I’m still dropping off the kids and preparing everyone’s breakfast and lunch as she is still weak in the mornings and has not regained her stamina.  Picking up the kids in the afternoons and helping them go to their activities is exhausting and I see the weakness in her.  We had a long discussion to remind her to her rest when she can.  She has resumed light work which again is a good distraction for her, but she can barely stay awake at the end of the day.  She has also been going on walks with friends so I think that is helping to both get her out, but also take a lot of her energy away.

We did watch Christina Applegate on Oprah today.  Yes, I watched Oprah.  It was good for her to see Christina Applegate and her diagnosis.  They are very similar in age and diagnosis as well as surgery and timing.  I don’t think we learned anything new but I could see my wife breath just a sigh of relief.  It is the sigh of knowing that she has more people like her.  She is not alone and not left wondering why her as opposed to someone else.

It is still hard to leave her alone.  As someone recently said to me, men just want to fix things.  I do.  I want to make her feel better.  Traveling again for work is difficult to do.  Leaving her and not being close to help is so hard.  It is good though to get immersed in work again for one week (before next week’s oncologist appointment). 

At dinner though our son did ask us about the other mother of a classmate in his school who died of breast cancer.  We had to remind him that her case was different and that there are all kinds of situations.  He was also under the impression she passed after visiting the hospital again.  This explains a little why he is worried each time we go to the hospital.  Hopefully he understands a little better now.   It is best to remind our children to ask us every time they have a new question.

As a funny aside, today I met Kathy Ireland!  Wow, pretty amazing.  I was speaking at a Social Media Marketing Sunmmit and walked in to the Speakers Area before the conference and there she was.  it was like the episode od Friends where Chandler gets caught in a banking vestibule with Jill Goodacre.  Kathy even knew my name which left me feeling like I was 15 again.  My wife had a good laugh when I Tweeted her and told her I was sitting next to Kathy Ireland.  She knew at least it was relieving the tension of giving my speech.  It went well by the way.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight

5 More Days with Drains – Post Breast Cancer Surgery

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“It ain’t over til it’s over”

Well today was our post -op visit with the plastic surgeon.  We did learn that an initial 150ccs were inserted and he put in another 100 today.  If chemo is needed he will likely be almost done with everything before then. 

It was the first time I’d seen him smile too.  We got to know him a little more as he fixed her dressings again and injected more fluid.  Luckily they gave us more bandages because the nurse did not apply the dressings appropriately and my wife was leaking vascular fluid.  When I got home, my wife asked me to reapply the gauze and bandages.  This was actually the toughest job yet.  We had just hit the weekend and hopefully I did it right or someone would have to take my wife back in this weekend.  It was frankly a little too close  for me.

We still were not ready to remove the drains and they recommended keeping them in another 5 days. Ugggh.  I saw the sadness in her eyes.  I know they are uncomfortable for her and when they tried to push the date to next Friday I knew we had to fight for a Wednesday appointment.  I guess the fighting isn’t done yet.  It ain’t over til its over I told her.  She apologized that I still had to drive her everywhere and I told her no apology was necessary.  How anyone does this alone is just brutal,  She needs to be able to get out and become mobile again and I know she is getting antsy.  The drains are definitely not pleasant to look at for sure and cannot be that comfortable.

We at least have our next three appointments settled for the plastic surgeon, the removal of the drains, and the initial meeting with our oncologist who is supposedly one of the best nationally so we feel very fortunate that she is able to take our case.

Other than the darned trains and discomfort she is feeling okay after today’s procedure.  i guess that is easy for me to say, but I’m sure going to be glad when the coming week is over.  I know she is thinking the same thing.