Mountains are the means, the man is the end. The goal is not to reach the tops of the mountains, but to improve the man.
– Walter Bonatti, Italian mounaineer
I’m one of those people who is always taken by inspirational movies, especially if they are true. They really help me dream and look for solutions in life. Having been in the online retail business though, I am not tainted by the fact that I know many movies take their liberties with the truth, whether they are “The Blind Side” or “Rudy” or “61”. Like most, I am one of those people who usually tells you to read the book first. The books are always better, right? Movies always leave out the details and don’t capture the true emotion. Not the emotion of the writer, but the emotion you feel from interpreting the words as your eyes meet them.
In this modern day where social media allows us access to more of these stories, I find myself these days inspired by the stories of two fellow alums of Carnegie Mellon. I was lucky enough as an undergraduate to have met Randy Pausch when he was a graduate student at Carnegie Mellon and shared a carpool over Thanksgiving from Pittsburgh to Baltimore. His well documented You Tube video, called the Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams became a hit and inspired many who faced death with a sense of calm, respect and fortitude to keep on teaching and giving back. He also gave inspiration to living life to the fullest. In fact there was no need for a movie as the video captured the leacture and was all that was needed.
More recently, I picked up the book, 127 Hours: Between A Rock and A Hard Place. It is actually a little hard to imagine this scenario if you’ve never been there. I saw the original documentary many years ago on Dateline with Tom Brokaw which I recommend you all watch before seeing the movie or reading the book. It will help you with the perspective. I’ve inserted Part 1 here.
The amazing parts are the actual video re-count that he captures where he makes comments and last testaments in expectation that he will not be able to live to tell us family and friends that he loves them.
I’m about one third of the way through the book and I thought I’d review the Dateline interview again this morning. I’m always looking to inspire my son who at age 11 still is learning to dream and think big. For the first time I saw him riveted and inspired not by the crazy outrageous voyage that led the main character to his predicament, but by his will to succeed, to remain calm and cool under extreme pressure and to show a strong will to find one’s passion.
I’m ready to go out today and succeed. In the book, Aron Ralston talks about his richness in life that he appreciates. I intend to go out there and do that today and look forward to finding tomorrow’s inspiration
“One of the things that my parents have taught me is never listen to other people’s expectations. You should live your own life and live up to your own expectations, and those are the only things I really care about.”
—Tiger Woods
Speaking of Tiger parents, I found the quote above and thought it most appropriate for this post given that Tiger Woods was trained by one of the ultimate Tiger parents. Tiger was trained by his own dad and held to high expectations by him. As we all know, he became arguably the best golfer of all time. His father (African American) dominated his life while his quiest Asian mother watched idly from behind the ropes. Now his off the course issues can’t be overlooked. Were his failures the result of being raised by a Tiger parent? As a Tiger parent, you can’t be expected or expect to be able to manage your child forever.
This past week I was speaking with a work colleague about our 11 year old sons. He told me how he got upset with his son for speaking on his cell phone, chasing girls and forgetting his studies. How did he handle it? With a belt. He said he teared up that he did it and was shaking afterwards. The joke (myth) I always hear is that Asian people never hit their children and that other cutlures are more apt to physically discipline their child. Whether stereotype or truth, there really is no right way. It depends upon the child.
The following is the last of 3 letters that my grandfather gave to me when I told him as a young teen that I wasn’t going to work in his meat company. They were letters that his friend had given to his son who had just graduated from college. Together they reflect what was believed at the time by elderly Asian men to be the proper use of old Far Eastern culture family values and Western culture. These elderly Asian men had nothing and believed that family came first and that sacrifice in the name of family was much more honorable. Please remember this letter is over 30 years old.
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June 22, 1978
Dear XXXX,
As your father I welcome you home, and as the President of YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. I welcome you to enter YYYYYYY . I know you have given up your $14,500 job with a very well thought of consulting company and are willing to work with YYYYYY in order to receive the knowledge and experience in management from me. As you know, I started my business when I was only sixteen. I had no friends to help me and no capital to operate the business, but I have built my business in a way as it is today. Furthermore, I have been formally educated for only six years. But I have been learning very hard by myself, and I believe that today, my knowledge in the economy and in politics could be better than what the avearge people possess.
As regards to your job, in general parents want to send their children to other companies for receiving the initial training in order for them not t be spoiled. I cannot agree with them in their views. When you work in the big instititutions your job is only limited in the very small area. Your work experience an d knowledge when then be suitable for a limited small area in a big organization like YYYYYYY. I have some experience with some employees of Nihon Schering, who worked with Takedi and Shionogi. These employees had obtained a very little working experience from those big companies, but they had learnd how to criticize the work instead of how to improve the work. As Mr. Takeda told me, in his experience the best employees he had acquired were those who came from Nihon, even they were not the best situation for Nihon.
Naturally it was difficult for the father to employ his children in his own company. If the father expects his children to perform a good job, he should make himself a model to show his children. This is not easy. For most fathers in my age want to be relaxed and enjoy their late life, especially when they have enough money to support themselves. But I am still willing to work hard to set an example to show you until you have learned the business.
In your case, you are very lucky because you are well-educated, you have the capital from your father, and you have many friends from your own and from your father. I believe you can do hundred times better and be more successful than your father , if you try hard.
You work with YYYYY and you certainly hope one day you will be promoted to the management level. To be a member of the management, it means you are in a high position and receive more money, but it also requires you to perform a more important job with more responsibilities. To be a member of the management in YYYYYYY, as the policy adopted in Nihon Schering,
1. You need to work more than other employees,
2. You need to perform more important work,
3. You need to perform more difficult work, and
4. You should be a model to show to the other employees.
I know the above requirements are not easy to perform. But, for your future success, you should try your best to achieve it.
Love from
Your dear father
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I’ve kept these letters for over 32 years. I still find the nuggets in them, but am reminded of the stern nature by which the patriarchs of Asian families ruled their families. You take this back to modern times and there is no way I can parent like this with my own children. While I try to teach my kids the value of the nuclear family and that working hard and striving to be the best that you can be is important, it is no guarantee for success.
What everyone keeps asking me though is if this individual and his father ended up okay. Well the truth is that the person these letters were written to eventually became the CEO of his dad’s company and took over as CEO 10 years ago. He is a mulit-millionaire public figure and I would venture to guess that he is more successful than his own father. His two younger brothers are okay financially although they both left their father’s business and received only the value of their trusts. It must be mentioned that the father’s philosophy did have it’s toll on the family. He divorced his wife, and she went back to Asia with their daughter. His old-school treatment of the women in his life could not withstand the pressures of Western culture .
This is the last of the 3-letter series of the Asian Tiger dad.
A son can bear with equanimity the loss of his father, but the loss of his inheritance may drive him to despair.
– Niccolo Machiavelli
Tiger Dad
I read today the Tiger mom’s husband was backing his wife. Of course he would. As the article suggests, these two sure know how to utilize the media to promote their book. As I read more and more, I think that we are missing the point. These parents are just guiding their children with a firm hand. To many of us out there who never had a parent who pushed hard, this may seem like a foreign concept. It is a fine art. A balancing act of cultivating, nurturing, and motivating without a rebellion.
When I was young, we were all taught to treat my grandfather with respect. When you visited my grandfather you had to listen to him speak his philosophies even if you thought they were outdated. This was a very successful man and he didn’t get to where he was without strong conviction. He had no education and he somehow raised 6 boys and my mother from the streets of Chinatown to the posh estates of Atherton, CA. All of his sons except his first worked for him in his meat company. Even his nephews worked for him. It was a family business. If you were a male, you were expected to work in my grandfather’s meat packing company. I remember spending one summer when I was 12 (a year older than my son) that as an 80 pound kid while my friends were on vacation, I pushed around slabs of beef twice my size in a 20 degree refrigerated meet locker slipping and sliding on the discarded fat on the the floor. My parents knew I’d hate it, but they wanted me to understand what it meant to work hard and to understand what made my grandfather successful. This was before the movie Rocky ever came out, so there was no Asian glory in pushing around bloody carcasses of beef. I didn’t earn minimum wage of $3/hr. My grandfather would yell my name at lunch over the speaker to come in and eat a lunch that he made. That was my pay. Family worked for my grandfather gratis. It was a privilege, not a job. Hard work, family values, and a tight fist with money is what I learned and all I needed to know about my grandfather’s money. This is something shared amongst many Asian cultures around the world. It is also shared by the cultures of many of my Caucasian friends who are closer to their heritage and have tight family bonds.
As the first son of the first daughter in a traditional Chinese family, not as much was expected of me, but these letters which I am re-publishing are because of this incident. When I told my grandfather that I was going to camp the next summer instead of working for him in his freezer, he asked his friend, a successful Asian businessman, for copies of letters he had just written for his own son who had just graduated from Harvard. My grandfather gave these copies of the letters to my dad in hope that they would inspire me to join the family business. I never worked at the meat company again, but mostly because I understood that I wasn’t in the direct male lineage of the family. I spent the next summer helping out for $3/hr at my mother’s gift shop selling jelly beans and gift cards.
My grandfather and his good friend would always go for long walks or sit down over tea for hours discussing business and the issues of raising young children in the Western world. They were raising Asian children in a 98% white upper class neighborhood where kids drove Porsches to school and tied tennis sweaters around their necks despite the 75 degree weather. Another planet to 2 Asian men in their 60s who fought for everything they had. Both men had multiple sons and a daughter. The following is a second letter in a series of the three letters written by my grandfather’s friend to his eldest son. My guess is that these letters were inspired by those long conversations with my grandfather:
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Dear XXXX:
The following statement tells you my concept and philosophy in the disposition of property and money.
Before I came to the United States I had established five trustees, four for each of the children and one for us. The value of of each child’s trustee is about $250,000.00 and ours is about $1,000,000.00. The children’s trustees get their income from the investment, such like dividend and interest. The income of ours will be evenly distributed to you children when it is matured All the trustees are under the fidelity and management of XXXXX Bank and will be matured in February 1984. When mature, the value of each child’s trustee will be about $350,000.00 to $500,000.00.
The above-mentioned property and money which is to be given to the children has been decided, but the remaining of our other property and money has not been decided. It depends on the followings:
1) Your behavior and attitude with which you treat your parents and your contribution to the family.
2) Your concept and philosophy in utilizing money. If you expect, after receiving the property and money from us, to enjoy an easy life for yourself, then the chance of receiving the inherited property and money from us is zero. You may have your enjoyment with the money you earn from your work.
3) If you expect to improve yourself, your skill and knowledge, and to develop some kind of business, then the chance is big. But it still depends on some other factors.
4) If you expect to utilize our property and money to commit certain contribution to the society and to the country, then the chance will even be bigger.
Anyhow, the distribution of our property and money to you is under certain conditions: 1) to improve yourself, 2) to contribute to the family, and 3) to contribute to society and to the country. Otherwise, you will be very disappointed and it is better not to expect it.
For the time being, I still have not made any will, until I am able to have a full observation of you.
If you want to work the family business, in order to maintain our relationship better than today, you should treat our business as an ordinary outside working institute, i.e. you are only allowed to spend every single penny which is connected with the business. If you make any expenditure not connected with the business, or you want to get advantage from the company, it will hurt our relationship and I strongly suggest you not do it, even sometimes if sometimes it can get some advantage from income tax. If you want to get some merchandise and/or facility from the company, you should pay a fair market price. You may make some special arrangement with me with regards to expenditures which are connected to your personal purpose. But I still hope this should not happen very often.
In family, I hope you will pay all minor expenses by yourself, such as laundry, clothes, and cosmetic, etc., etc..
PRIVACY. In order to maintain our happy life, all of us should from the bottom of our hearts fully respect each other’s privacy. We should pay attention to the following points. 1) We should all treat our friends as mutual friends, and not to interfere with their personal relationships. 2) Ordinary daily life, such as meal time and others, should be complied with family customs, without creating extra work or burden to the family. 3) In order not to let the family worry, we should let the family know our rough schedule, especially our whereabouts when we leave home.
This is my second letter to you, discussing the concept and philosophy in property and money. This letter will also be distributed to your brothers. I welcome your comments, and theirs, on my letters No. 1 and on this letter No. 2 .
Love from,
Your father
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Granted these letters are over 30 years old, but they reflect the culture by which many in my generation were subjected to. The firm but loving hand. The family unit is a microcosm of what children are exposed to compared to what they see day to day. And the gap between the 2 cultures and philosophies grows every day. It would be only natural for us to be shocked by such dialogue to a young adult today. Do not get lost in the financial figures (remember those numbers are circa 1978), but consider Paris Hilton’s father sending this letter to his daughter. Notice how my grandfather’s friend doesn’t even address the fact that his daughter would get a chance to see the letter. She is treated equally financially, but what is expected of her is not mentioned. Perhaps that is why Amy Chua became the Tiger Mom. She had to guess the expectations of achievement to uphold the family values.
I can divulge that while the two younger sons and daughter did not go on to work for their father long term, they are all relatively successful in their own ways. Unfortunately their parents split up as the mother and father eventually disagreed with the father’s evaluation and expectations of their children.
(To be continued – Letter #3)
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Note: These letters I am publishing are typed with the misspellings and grammatical errors as they were written. The first letter written in my previous posting was written on April 14, 1978. The letter in this blog posting was written a week later on April 20, 1978.
“Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.”
— Bill Cosby
The first big controversial pop culture topic of 2011 was penned by Amy Chua, the Yale Professor who wrote the column in the Wall Street Journal titled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior”. It was all done to promote her new book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”. The key word is promote. As a marketer, you saw right through it when you read the article and you see that she refers to both men and women parents and then notes that this isn’t just about Chinese mothers. I was miffed at two points:…who says this is about Asian women only and why was she giving all the credit to Asian moms? What about the dads? Every parent out there was either saying what about me or what a B*&^% that lady is.
The whole point was to raise discussion on parenting and on that she was successful. In fact, as a Chinese person I was indifferent to the stereotype. I nodded my head in agreement about some parts of the article and in other parts shook my head and said that this was just a crazy mother who happens to be Chinese. I also felt it was a generational thing. My old grandmothers never were like that. They were strong but passive women. In a traditional Asian family of my grandparent’s generation, the mom was the cleaning maid and cook as it appeared to me. The father was the driver. My two Chinese grandmothers raised 15 children between the two of them without husbands around who were absent trying to make ends meet during the Depression era. Maybe that is where Amy Chua gets her intensity. Trying to be like her own mother but in today’s modern society.
One of the controversial moments in the article was what people who read the article refer to as “the piano lesson”. It was an unbelievable example of tough parenting. Then I heard my wife and son arguing the other night over his lack of practice on the piano. It got loud and I stayed out. And yes there were tears. For those who don’t know me….my wife is not Asian. She’s apparently the Italian Tiger Mom. Myth #1 broken.
I should caveat and say that my own mother had me in Chinese school, basketball, soccer, baseball, dance, karate and swimming. Not to mention that I worked in our family business. My mother might have been a Tiger, but she wasn’t a tyrant. She ruled with a stern prodding, but never a harsh tongue. Expectations awere always high and friends (even other Chinese friends) said they noticed it. People often say that some parents rule with an iron fist, well I think Asian parents amonst some other cultures are probably known for parenting via heavy guilt!
When I first read the article I went digging for a note that my dad once showed to me. It was actually a series of letters. They were written by a wealthy multimillionaire businessman from Taiwan who was good friends with my grandfather on my mother’s side. These two old Asian patriarchs would often go for walks on their large properties in Menlo Park, CA (a wealthy suburb of San Francisco) and discuss Asian philosophies and how they related to the Western business world and western parenting. These two men were the first two minorities to move into what had been an all-white stuffed collar community. When going to visit this my grandfather and his friend my parents told me to always listen to their stories before running off to play in the swimming pool. It was boring for a 10 year old, but my dad must have kept the letters knowing that I’d find them again some day. My grandfather’s friend gladly shared these letters with my dad and grandfather and must have been quite proud. The letters were written to his eldest son who had just graduated from Harvard and was about to take a job with the McKinsey Consulting Group. I have changed the names and not mentioned the business to protect the family which is a very high profile Asian family (otherwise, all improper English is because I have kept all the imperfect grammar intact on purpose):
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LETTER #1
Dear XXXXX,
This is the first letter I write to you and I will give copies of it to your brothers. It tells how your parents think about their children.
You and your other brothers and sisters are always occupying the largest part of our heart. This is the same as any other parents do. First we worry about your health, your education, and then, your work, your marriage, and your family. We do not know how our children think about their parents. Sometimes, I heard complaints from your brothers. They said, “Dad didn’t play with us. Dad didn’t travel with us as other parents did. They play with their children and travel together with their children.” After I heard these complaints I used to wonder why they did not compare themselves with another group of children who work hard to earn more money to support their family. I mean I don’t need more money from your working to support the family, but I mean sometimes working is a kind of education and the experience from working can never be got in school.
Today I write this letter to you is for the purpose of answering your question whether you should work for the family business or in other company after you graduate from Harvard.
Before I answer your question, I want to tell you of my concept of managing a company. If you become a member in the management of the company, you must understand the following concepts and principles.
You should work much more and much harder than the ordinary employees,
You should work for the much more difficult task than the ordinary employees, and
You should work for the task with much more important responsibility than the ordinary employees.
If you want to work the family business, before you have made yor decision, you should convince yourself that you can surely comply with the above-mentioned principles. It means you need to work more and harder and sometimes you may make some sacrifice in your private life. But it will reward you in a later date. Otherwise, you could work outside and you might enjoy an easy life for some short periods.
As regarding to the work experience from working in other companies, according to my past experience, it seems to not be very much useful. Especially when working in a big company or institution, you re just like a a little piece of screw in a big machine. Therefore the experience you acquired is very limited and sometimes useless. Sometimes, you may even bring back some bad habits which will also influence you when you come back to work in my company. Therefore, I do not one hundred percent agree that your experience from working outside will help your work with my company at a later date.
With respect to the future business of our company, if our Chinese venture into apparel cannot succeed, there are lots of other business that you can start and/or develop. The important thing is whether you can convince yourself if you can follow the above-mentioned Chinese principles when you come to work in my company.
This letter is an educational letter. I hope you will keep it.Sometimes it will answer your problem, if you want to know how to manage it.
Love from
your father
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I read this many times over the years and couldn’t believe the audacity of a dad to move his children to the Western world and not support them in pursuit of their own American or Western dream. Was my grandfather’s friend right? I’m not saying he was or wasn’t but his son has gone on to be quite successful owning some high profile businesses and having become a lead investor in many well-known technology companies. Oh, and his father got his wish. His son never went to McKinsey and I remember him being very frustrated at first.
My dad was a kinder and gentler dad, but in passing this letter on to me, he didn’t have to tell me anything more. Blood and my ancestry enough for going to be enough to help me by providing me with the right principles. My grandfather on the other hand was no picnic. He would insult his adult sons. When one of his six sons got divorced, I remember my granfather shaking his head and telling me that my uncle (his son) was now only half a man (in reference that he had to give half of everything to his ex-wife). My grandfather was perhaps the original Tiger Dad.
So I guess in reading Amy Chua’s document I needed to self-reflect and ask if I am that kind of a dad. This morning when my daughter said she was too sick to go to school, I told her to suck it up and go. She’d already missed several days of school and misses school for the slightest problems. I remember that missing school was only if you couldn’t get out of bed. My wife said I was being tough, but I guess I’d rather be tough and involved rather than not involved.
My father always told me his father him he wanted a life better for his children than he had. He then told me he wanted the same for me and my siblings. I think the current generation is different. We want a better way of life for our children. My father gave me a lot, but he wasn’t able to share in it with me just like his father couldn’t with him. I think it is any parent’s wish (Asian, black, white, Jewish, Latino, etc.) to see their kid succeed and to share that fulfillment with them, but hopefully it is not at the expense of too much angst.
If you’re curious, neither of my children is a concert violinist or pianist (in fact, far from it). My children do have and go on sleepovers and playdates although I think too many. We do NOT have an xBox, Playstatio or Wii. Both my children take piano (my son teaches himself guitar) and both play soccer and basketball. My son also plays golf and baseball while my daughter takes gymnastics. I do take pride as well in the academics of my children who I believe get above average grades. My son (11) has indicated that he feels the pressure to succeed and sometimes puts pressure on himself, but on several occasions when asked, he said he was alright. It is a tight balance we run with our children, but as I tell my son, I am happy that he understands that we want him to succeed as does every parent.
It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. ~A. Bartlett Giamatti, “The Green Fields of the Mind,” Yale Alumni Magazine, November 1977
For 53 years and 53 teams, baseball broke the hearts of San Franciscans, but tonight an improbable team ended years of frustration and enhanced the love of a sport and 25 guys who worked as one. As their management and the team tried to convey, the victory was for a city, for fans, for past players and for past generations. The atmosphere has been electric for the last month. You could feel how badly people wanted this one and perhaps needed it.
Torture was the word of the year to describe this team, but it really wasn’t one year. It was 53 years. A team of underdogs, a team of misfits, a team that nobody ever believed had a chance, was the team that everyone fell in love with. The team with a rich history of Hall of Famers had its most successful season with a bunch of no-names. In the future, many will not remember some of the names that helped to bring San Francisco it’s first baseball championship. As I mentioned previously, the City of San Francisco loves its champions, but more they love their champions who do it the right way. The 2010 San Francisco Giants did it the right way. There will be many who say they knew this team had it from day 1, but if they tell you that, they are liars. A team of misfits, discards from other teams, showed the world what teamwork is all about. They have said repeatedly this post-season that the most talented team doesn’t always win. It’s the team that plays the best that wins. As late as the beginning of August this team was in 4th place and 7 or 8 games out of 1st place, but the team showed how baseball is a parallel to life. You work hard, you keep grinding, and you never stop believing.
Nick and I Fear the Beard!
As a San Francisco native I am overwhelmed. There are hundreds of thousands and perhaps millions of natives who grew up in the same generation as me, who had moms or dads that introduced them to baseball at Candlestick Park or Seals Stadium and had to wait their whole lives. Everyone has their own unique story. There are many people like me who wish the dad that introduced them to the sport were here to enjoy and celebrate with them. Yes baseball is just a game, but it is America’s past time. It is like life itself. Unlike those in New York who have 27 Championships, this is San Francisco’s first. For those who have waited their whole lives for this day, it is a day to be savored. Hopefully it won’t be 53 years until another championship is won. Those who had seen things go wrong in the past know the heartache and how sweet this victory is. This will not be taken for granted. It will be cherished. It will be savored. The team itself reminded everyone of the history of the organization. It reminded those not old enough about the heartaches of the 3 previous attempts at the World Championship. It reminded me of the great history of San Francisco, and it reminded me of all the great things the City has to offer. The team helped me to teach my son about all the great history and people that built this City. My son saw Joe Montana, Bob Weir, Steve Perry, Danny Glover, and a slew of other celebrities from the area cheering for the team just like him. Somewhere around the 7th inning of Game 2 he started to grasp the gravity of the situation and understood the passion around the desire to win the whole thing. A World Series victory would be the beginning of a big healing process.
There is an old adage in baseball that as Spring Training begins, hope always springs eternal. No matter what I am always optimistic about the Giant’s chances. This year I wasn’t. I really felt this team didn’t have what it would take. It shows how life is so unpredictable, how what is perceived could also be deceiving. Baseball and life are unpredictable and just when you least expect it, it will serve you up a surprise.
Growing up watching Mays, Marichal, Perry, Cepeda, McCovey, Clark, Mitchell, Speier, Fuentes and all it is amazing this team has accomplished something that those other teams couldn’t. No heroes, just a bunch of blue collar ballplayers. Fortunately for me I was able to share a little bit with my own son and helped him to understand how unique an experience this is and how unique this team is. Attending the last game played at home and also participating in the Opening Ceremonies of Game 2 of the World Series was not only a unique experience, but it was the creation of a memory that he will keep forever. Having my son tell me, “I will never ever forget this day” was a highlight for me. I remember when my dad took me to see Ed Halicki’s no-hitter back in the late-70s as if it were yesterday. I know my son will be thinking the same even 30 years from now.
Carrying the US Flag
It is only fitting that Edgar Renteria, a player that is at the end of his career and contemplating retirement was the MVP of the series. He spent many months on the bench, has a torn muscle in his arm, yet was one of the many heroes in the end. Hard work, determination and a never say die attitude, were Edgar’s message to all. It’s one we should all learn to employ in life.
I am speechless to say the least. I am more choked up than anything else. The memory of all those who never got to see this day, but taught us to love this team, this City, and the game of baseball would be proud of the 2010 World Champion San Francisco Giants. They were not only a team of destiny, but true deserving champions in every sense of the word. A team of misfits who fit perfectly together.
As I write this, there is honking and hollering in the streets. The younger generations are celebrating in the bars and dancing in the streets, but I know there are many like me also sitting at home with not so dry eyes thinking of those who never got to see this but helped us to appreciate this moment. They taught us how to “love the laundry” (as Seinfeld calls it). Such a bittersweet time in San Francisco.
The much maligned announcer, Joe Buck, said it best….”America’s Most Beautiful City now owns Baseball’s Sweetest Accomplishment”.
Here you leave today and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow and fantasy – bronze inscription above the tunnel entrance to Disneyland
The Happiest Place on Earth
Today my wife and I had a brief celebration. We quickly acknowledged the mark of the 2nd anniversary of her cancer surgery. We smiled, shared a kiss and went off to work and taking the kids to school. When she was first diagnosed I would see posts about cancerversaries. I asked what that meant. Was it the date from diagnosis? Then I was told it was the date from when you had your surgery. For the most part, most people are looking forward to their 5th cancerversary. It is when they are considered in full remission as there have been no sign of additional tumors. In a way it seems like a 5 year purgatory.
Two years might not seem like a long time ago but it does feel that way. We have somehow been able to mentally put cancer behind us as best we can. There are the daily pills, the monthly shots, the side effects, etc., but it all seems to be like raising a baby. You have some memories, but it seems so long ago and you have new challenges and some of the old memories get thrown out the door. Those sleepless nights, the mental anguish the weeks and days leading up to the visit to the hospital, and all the help and visits from friends the days after seem distant and mostly it is in our minds. That said, we are surrounded by reminders every day during our journey back to normalcy of where we have been and how fortunate we are.
We just got back from a family trip to Disneyland, the Happiest Place on Earth. In reality it isn’t always that way. The crying babies, the tantrums, the frustration of negotiating large crowds and the L.A. traffic are just some of the smoggiest problems that Los Angeles and the Magic Kingdom have to offer. In the end, it might not be the Happiest Place for All, but it is still magical.
My children noticed the large amounts of wheel chairs and ill children at Disneyland. The Make a Wish Foundation seemed to have a large presence this past week. Then it happened. As we rode on the the Grizzly Rapids ride at the California Adventure Park, we struck a conversation with a dad and his 3 sons who were riding in the same raft. The dad confided in me that the family had lost their mom to breast cancer at the beginning of the summer. This trip was a small way to distract his sons before the school year got started. The Happiest Place on Earth was suddenly transformed into a place of hope and faith. When I told them that my wife was a cancer survivor as well, he asked how long and did the quick math. I realized there that it had only been two years since my wife’s original surgery which took place 9/9/08.
After the ride was over, my 8-year old daughter was in a giddy mood. She laughed that both moms in both families were too scared to go on the ride (my wife chose to stay dry). It was my 10 year old son who nudged his sister and told her to be quiet. He had realized what was going on and was attempting to be considerate. My daughter suddenly realized the weight of the situation and actually teared up a little as the other family walked away. What really hit me wasn’t the heaviness of the encounter in such a beautiful setting but not only did my usually unaware children grasp the meaning, but their show of compassion for such a young age.
I tried to get a read from my kids later on in the day, but they seemed to move on. They had a great time running around and laughing at Disneyland, and I didn’t want to interrupt them. In their own way, they had moved on from cancer as well. Cancer had affected them , but in a good way. Having witnessed their grandfather’s death and their own mother’s struggle with cancer in their young lives has only given them a greater apreciation for living life to the fullest and taught them to put the past behind them while recognizing how precious their own lives may be.
We have three more years of purgatory, but I think in our minds, cancer is almost already behind us. We are learning to live with cancer with an enlightened point of view. Well 2 years down and the rest of our lives to go!
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. – Harry Truman
These days I’ve been spending a lot of time on new types of social media both out of personal interest as well as for my company business as I’ve somewhat become their social media community manager. An interesting time to be attacking such a topic. It has both permeated my personal as well as my work life. It does intrigue me that there has been so much talk about moms. In fact not just a little but way too much. Don’t get me wrong, moms are an intriguing and wonderful group of people who have many different interests as well as power both in the online and online world. On Twitter there are Twittermoms and Momlogic, there are websites such as iVillage, powerful female influencers like Oprah,etc. I’ve been asked constantly what I’m going to do to penetrate the world of moms! I laugh becuase I argue about my cousins who are the dads who stay at home while the moms work. I also think dads need more help than moms. More importantly I think these women are struggling to get away from the identity as “just moms” .
It has me scratching my head as a marketer who has always been told that the most powerful and fluential groups are the male 18-34 consumers as well as the always moving group of Baby Boomers. Maybe it’s that dads don;t just view themselves as dads. Yeah, we’re dads, but we’re more than that. I just hope people don’t target me as a dad and only as a dad. We’re husbands, we’re lawyers, we’re doctors, we’re sons, we’re grandsons, etc.
Okay, well as a dad and husband, I’ve been through so much this year. I guess I want to spend more time enjoying those other things. My week ended though on a tough note as a dad. I’ve been having a beef with my son’s music teacher. You know the kind of music teacher that thinks the arts is the most important thing in a man’s life? Also the kind of choir master, and more importantly teacher, who believes that it is his duty to tell parents how to raise their children. This guy had the gall to tell me that I needed to sign a contract for my son to sing in his volunteer choir. I told him that in the future that the only contract I will have with my son is the unwritten one between a father and a son. He then threatened me by saying that if I didn’t sign his silly contract that he could possibly decide not to give my son his little “pin” at the end of the year. What? My son’s baseball team doesn’t require this. My son’s cub scout master doesn’t require this. What ever happened to scouts honor?
In the end this teacher drags me into this with our school asst. principal. This is the same school I attended and the one that I volunteer many countless hours in front of phones and stuffing bags of goodies for fundraisers. What has this world come to that they need a parent to sign a contract to say that they will be responsible for making sure that their son will be committed to their elective activity?
I did take this as an opportunity to educate my son and daughter about the importance of commitments, the importance of making the right decisions, and how to deal with conflict. It is not a conversation one wants to have to have on such a serious note with a 9 and a 7 year old, but with cancer, death and other life situations that our children have been through, I am so lucky that I have two kids who can digest such serious matters yet enjoy life thoroughly as kids. I came away so impressed with my children. More importantly as a dad I found I have a son who knows good reason, understands how people and friends are more important than small material things like a “music pin”. Maybe its the innocence of youth, but I couldn’t be happier with how my son and daughter listened, giggled and asked questions during our little talk. They may never know how proud I am of them, but I am.
A Proud Dad Watches Son
These days as parents we work so hard to make a good life for our children and shelter them from the harsh realities of life such the little girl who was killed in Tracy, CA, the wars in the Middle East, the downfall of our banking and auto making industries and the sicknesses and illnesses around the world. Targeting these individuals for retail and financial reward is one thing, but giving them the resources they need to handle all the things they need to be a good parent is another. In the end though, it is up to the parents to make the difficult choices for their children when they aren’t old enough to make it themselves, and help them learn how to do it on their own in other cases.
