Tag Archives: therapy

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

3 Days of Shopping to go – Life is a Highway

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Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart. – Washington Irving

Tonight’s run was a cold and painful one.  Each run is like every day in life.  One day you might feel good but the next day you might feel like you are running a marathon without shoes.  One day is different from the next.  It’s like life.  Many of us are given the same set of circumstances, but some make more or less of it than others.

I’m reading a book by Chad Moutray, another man who had a wife with breast cancer only his story ended tragically.  Why would I read it?  Why do I care?  I often wonder if I am alone in this world.  In fact I think we all wonder if our life is unique or normal.  Do others deal with similar issues?  Are all my peers being hit with the recession the same way? 

Chad, while raised differently, has many similar qualities to me.  I’m finding the book entertaining at times and hard to read at others.  It hits hard and close.  I’ll write more about the book at a later date once I am finished.

Today my wife went back to the clinic and the nurse practitioner supplied her with new and cleaner steri-strips to cover her scars.  Her breast surgeon came by to say hello.  This would be the last visit with her for another 6 months.  She gave my wife a hug and then said some complimentary words about me.  We had become more cordial with each other over time and recently discussed my blog.  I was hesitant at first to tell her about this blog , but gave her the adress.  She told my wife that she loved my honesty.  Whew!  I was not ready to go back and edit anything here.  While this blog is more of a channel for me to express the feelings which I can’t describe with words, I find it to be more of a release for me and hopefully a memoir for my children

I am encouraged by my wife though.  Her energy levels are high and her desires to enjoy herself and get back to a regular exercise regimen.  She is worried about the scar and I’ve told her that I’ll help her to get used to her new self and promise to be honest and open about my feelings with her.  It’s hard to argue with her when I want to be positive, but I have to pick my points.  Sometimes she deserves the ability to just be down.

We are getting ready for the holidays this year with a full house of family.  While everything might be the same as years past, just like running, it might be a bit more of a struggle than in the past

Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Each Visit Is A Reminder – A Loving Fight

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I love you so much it hurts.

Sometimes the everyday stress of this fight against cancer pops up.  It is an undercurrent in our lives as we try to move on.  Certain days we avoid the topic either because we don’t have time to catch up or we don’t want to bother each other.  We know how each other feels and when the kids are asleep we’ll have a quick discussion.  The stress though recently has been over the decission or lack of clarity on her trial with bisphosphonates and other hormonal therapy.  The stress and anxiety is in her and she wants me to help.  This is the first time in our relationshipp where I just keep having to let her make those decisions.  I will just never know her true feeling about how badly she wants to fight some days.  The tensionhas been there and I want so much to help and support her but the stress is just making us crack a little.

Today though was the first of her OS shots and her bisphosphonate cocktail.  Along with Tamoxifen she is getting the triple whammy of hormonal therapy and bone density treatment to fight against a recurrence.  Although she was lucky enough to avoid chemotherapy and radiation, she had to go to the ward where those treatments are provided in order for her to get her shot.  Seeing the other women with sadness in their eyes, a slouch in their posture and bald heads was a reminder of my mohters treatment as well as a reminder of how lucky we are to have caught this cancer early.

Tonight we just gave each other a kiss and reminded each other how lucky she/we are.  She still inspires me.  Tonight when I just didn’t want to go running I reminded myself of the pain and suffering she is going through and told myself that no amount of pain and suffering I have will match hers.  It was 4 miles of therapy for me as I took a deep breath and breathed in the cold crisp air.  I spent the run thinking of all the people we’ve met along the way and gave thanks.

Well once again it is late and I need to cut this short.  I also need to get back to some of the postings of the fun parts of my life.  I do have fun sometimes.

Route 53 - Life is A Highway

And the Beat Goes On – My Bucket List

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“I think we have a better persepective right now”

Living in the San Francisco Bay Area, one of the most expensive places in the country right now is an interesting study during this down economy.  Many people are talking about selling their homes, holding on to their jobs, downsizing, etc.  There still is a lot of materialism going on, people are contemplating which option to choose for a new leadership and yet for us, the world seems to be at a standstill.  All of these factors seem inconsequential right now and my wife said it best tonight, ” I think we have the best perspective right now”.

She’s right.  We have plenty to be thankful for.  Tonight I went for my first complete run in a while and the cold wind against my heated face felt so refreshing that I almost didn’t want to stop.  At this point, I’m refreshed with the perspective that I’ve lived about half my life expectancy and I need to start dreaming of what I want to do as well.  Just like a kid who dreams of being a fireman or an astronaut when they grow up, it is time for my bucket list.  The DVD we watched this weekend had a special piece about the guy who came up with the bucket list concept and mentioned that it is different for everyone depending upon their point in life, but here is my list with a little different organization:

Bucket List

  1. With my children – visit their ancestral countries of origin and provide a deep respect for those countries – Italy, France, China
  2. For my children – leave them with lessons for living a happy and productive life
  3. For my children – provide a healthy respect for parenthood and the love of their parents
  4. For my children – a childhood filled with laughter and pleasant memories
  5. With my wife – provide her with the self-confidence and self-esteem that makes her great
  6. With my wife – help and remind her to enjoy life and savor it.
  7. for me – play golf really well (break 80?)
  8. for me – learn to play a new instrument
  9. for me – learn some new Hawaiian cooking recipes
  10. For my family – play golf as a foursome in a beautiful setting. (at least play Pebble Beach with my son)
  11. For my family – Visit an inspiring natural state park
  12. General – provide a positive legacy for a community
  13. General – let friends and relatives know they are respected and loved
  14. General – Inspire someone to do the right thing

Well that is it for now.   That’s a lot to do before I kick the bucket!  I’ll add more later if needed

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

Breathing Deeply – A Loving Fight Against Breast Cancer

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“I can’t tell you anything else to tell you how much I love you”

After the good news to end the week, it was easy to take a deep breath, smile and be thankful.  Have we dodged a bullet?  Maybe, but we will be dodging it for a while.  I think that is why cancer victims rally and stick together.  The treatment time is for many years.  I might be wrong, but I’ve not noticed this kind of camaraderie and community of survivors for heart attack survivors or by-pass surgery survivors.

The weekend was filled with our children’s sports events (soccer and golf) as well as concerts, the Blue Angels, Fleet Week, and professional sporting events.  Our 9-year old golf prodigy son lost against an 18 year old in a golf match and although he’s tough on himself and had very little chance to win anyway, he gained a great perspective.  As a dad all you try to do is encourage your child and make sure that kind of event doesn’t damage him.  Afterwards I patted him on the back and told him how proud I was and that he was very poised and gracious in defeat.  He laughed and said, “Dad, he was twice my age.  It won’t be the last time I lose a match.  There are more important things if you know what I mean.” Nothing can make a parent more proud than to try and teach one’s child a life lesson and to be reminded of one of the more important lessons in life.  You just don’t expect to get reminded by a 9 year old.

That afternoon at the soccer match I caught my wife sitting on a grassy hill (making sure she didn’t get accidentally hit my a soccer ball)  She had her eyes closed and I wanted to make sure she wasn’t suffering from more exhaustion.  She smiled and replied, “I’m okay.  The sun feels good.  It has never felt this good.  I just want to soak it all in”.  It isn’t like she’d been out since the surgery, but I knew what she was doing.  Something she hadn’t done in a while.  She was smelling the roses.  The good news had taken a huge weight off her shoulders (something she hadn’t been able to express).

She looked so peaceful all by herself with the Blue Angel pilots flying over head during Fleet Week.  I’m sure she didn’t even hear the planes roaring.  We’ve aged so much in the last few months.  Maybe we haven’t aged, but we sure haved lived a lot.

I watched the “Bucket List” again with her and she sobbed.  It meant more to watch it now.  Her perspective changed now that the chemo was not in her near future.  She could laugh now.  Her own bucket list would now be more thoughtful.  Her sobs were of relief.  Of sorrow. Of joy. I had been afraid to hold her til now.  I didn’t want to hurt her.

Today was her fourth meeting with the plastic surgeon.  We’re almost done and he said that a middle of November final surgery for the swap would be likely.  It will give her time to rest before Thanksgiving.  The recovery time might be about 2 weeks and only 5% of all patients need drains afterward.  Along with the hormone therapy we decide on, it will be the last mile of this journey.  It will be a long last mile but a journey worth traveling.

Breast Cancer - A Loving Fight, Route 53 - Life is A Highway

We’re a Family Again – The Highway of Life

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“Let’s keep our batteries charged as things usually get worse before they get better”

Almost a month since surgery and we seem and more importantly, feel, like we can do some normal things again.  As we had no appointments this past week, there was nothing to break up our schedule and we had what we might term to be a “normal family weekend”.  As we sat around the table at our favorite sushi restaurant on Sunday night, we had our team meeting about what we had going on this week (playdates, practices, appointments, etc.) we reviewed the past week with our children to ask them how they were doing and what they enjoyed.  Our son said he enjoyed playing in his first golf tournament.  Our daughter said that she enjoyed “being a family again”.  When we asked what that meant she said she enjoyed going out to dinner, going to her soccer game, and even playing a family board game  with all of us present.

She was right.  It was the first time we had energy to do things together rather than split up or outsource parenting to our friends and family.  We were smiling and laughing again.  The sushi dinner was never mentioned as such, but it was our first real time we had gone out together in a month for a meal and thus served as a bit of a celebration.  We needed the break, the laughs, the down time and I think we really needed to lavish our children with much needed attention.

They have seen and heard so much and partly because of their naivety and partly because they are mature for their age, they were able to process their feelings. Unfortunately, I think it wore on them to see their parents not having the fun they used to have and seeing their mom’s sunny disposition remain sunny, but at a cost of her strength.  Our daughter’s comment raised some flags for us to make sure we focused on them during the coming weeks especially if chemo becomes part of the equation.

Today marked the third of 5 appointments with the plastic surgeon post-surgery.  He says she is progressing okay but we’ll have to see how things are going with chemo to know our full schedule.  We have our 1st appointment with the oncologist on Thursday morning so we are a bit nervous.  I just wish we’d know a little more before we go in the first time to meet with her.  She’ll definitely tell us about the Tamoxifin (sp?) but all we are worried nabout now is the Oncotype score reading.  We are bracing for her to tell us she will need chemo and agreed that we just need to get our batteries charged and braced for the coming months ahead.   It is just natural to assume things will get worse before they get beetter.  In a peverse way we both agreed that everything so far has actually not been as bad as we thought it would be, but we have run across some things we never thought we’d encounter.

On this highway of life, cancer has been more than a bump in the road, but  a very windy detour that we hope leads back to the main road and let’s us get back to destinations unknown with many life adventures to discover.